Peachy belgium buns

Its a week into the Holidays ....only another 5 days of this and I can off load the kids at a pre-paid play/activity scheme for a whole week  ...its a bit pricey - but  worthwhile - I would gladly sell a working organ to fund a full 6 weeks worth...actually its not bad value as you can off load them at 9.30 they get fed lunch and dinner before you have to go and get them again around 6pm....
but looking forward to being at work for the week ..

The now 5 year old boy excelled  himself in Sainsburys this morning.... making his standard  sprint down isle 5 to the bakery department shouting "Donuts" ..he stopped dead in his tracks (described by him as doing a cool skid) pointed to some iced  Belgium buns and changed his high pitched chant of donuts to an excited exclamation of   "look Daddy boobie buns"

 

 "That's nothing"  said the 9 year old boy nonchalantly "These donut peaches look like butt cracks"

School boy laughter ensued as I tried to chastise them -thank god the 7 year old girl wasn't  there to offer here opinion on the items in the fruit and veg isle -she was re-enacting  "Frozen" in a village hall somewhere as part of her "musical dance class" -bloody bargain that one...you just have to provide pack lunch drop off  and run ... then the  main body of your day inst subjected to "let it sodding go" being sang/played on a loop with occasional  accompaniment from 5 year using the the words  his 9 year old brother has taught him "Let it flow...let it flow....let it poo...let it poo" - this version will always induce a drama queen strop and possible fist fight between Sister and Brother,then Daddy begging them to be nice to each other whilst he paints another  bloody wall in a shade of Swedish chalky effect blue

23:26hrs some time to be bloody grumpy at last....

The reasons behind my lack of posts is due mainly to not having enough sodding time - 

Today  I find myself at 23:26 on a Sunday evening with a bit of "spare time" normally I would be in the shed... the last 3 or 4 evenings Ive been in there until at least 1 am I blame Glastonbury Festival- we have inset days on the Friday and the Monday -I guess the teachers like to go and join in  rolling around in mud and waking up in strange tents...thus I have the pleasure of Daddy Duty -trouble is I don't have to get up for the school run so Ive slipped into semi night-shift mode ...so have the kids but they don't seem to care.
Daddy duties this week have included painting the landing sodding window whilst suspended by a sky hook and sanding 130 years of stain,varnish ,evo stick and bastard floor tiles that some twat in the 60s thought would look great stuck to the floor

Bastard Floor

  Now I am sure you have all heard of "I fucking Love Science " on the "Facetwit" pages -where we all pretend we understand whats going on and that we all actually enjoyed Science at School -we all had that "crazy teacher who set fire to the lab" -well my school was shite I didn't have that teacher and I learnt all my science when I left school -but I do like science- what I dont like is D.I.Y so I thought I would start up a new Facetwit page called "I fucking Hate D.I.Y" ....I might expand it to "I fucking Hate Most Things"

 

What could go wrong?

I would certainly include Windows 8 in the "most things" section the hateful thing wasted 1.5 hrs of my life the other day - trying to get the scanner to work via black magic so I could "email" an important document that could only be accepted by "e sodding mail" ..I use to survive without emails  and scanners,the only scan I was familiar with was the one you needed on your testicles after a vicious 2nd row had got hold of you ..
The view from the shed hasn't missed noticing there has been a "World Cup" ...world cup my arse,oh and some Cricket ..sort of.... here were my thoughts on that little lot..

"Good to see England football team adopt an new approach to the 2014 World Cup competition rather than go out “on penalties”- as has been the choice of previous teams this youthful squad brought in some fresh ideas namely the “losing all matches as quickly as possible” approach
“Our new strategy worked very well” said manager Hoy Rogerson” We worked hard on the training ground thinking up new ways of cocking it up” he added “It was one of the new boys who suggested the “school boy gift” set piece and it was great to see that come off tonight”
Captain Heavin Sterard gave his thoughts post match “It was all going so well until we equalised, I’m not sure what Slooney was thinking when he put the ball in their net ...He was meant to have been sent off in the first ten minutes for throwing his handbag at the officials… he’s getting on bit and was never the sharpest tool in the box …after that we had to dig deep and forget to mark their best player..It worked really well and we came away looking like a Sunday morning pub side..It’s a great feeling - now we don’t have to risk winning a penalty shoot out by mistake”

Not to be outdone the Cricketers joined in -

England's Cricket Team have been a bit over shadowed by the glorious defeats of the Football team but have come back strongly by pulling off one of the greatest defeat snatches from the jaws of victory in their recent good run of defeats captain Cook saying " We tried desperately to loose the first test but didn't quite pull if off ending up with the draw" he added "the team spirit was low after that and made worse by the Football team doing better than us at cocking it up,so today's plan was to let the Sri lanka captain score as many runs as he wanted- we even got the umpires on his side which was a nice touch,we have got ourselves in great position at 57-5,I am hopeful of a crushing defeat by midday tomorrow ..well I hope so,so I can get well pissed on cheap lager watching the football team loose 6-0 ...as for my captaincy I feel you would be hard pushed to find anyone that can cock things up better at the moment ...well apart from that Gerrard bloke "

Im writing this listening to the radio ...Ive burnt the TV as its full of shite - Ive replaced it with a "Lava Lamp" the kids havent noticed the difference-

All though it was a mission trying to turn the radio on without the sodding remote control-lost or tidied up fuck knows where it is-  a simple "on" fucking "off" switch would have done rather than having to use "mind force" on the "touch" pad to turn it on and tune it into anything that wasn't welsh folk music or the shipping forecast

Progress

Shed activity has been good - got the car running again ...then took it to bits again...I will update the other blog with more details ..when I get some time?

A core plug started to leak on the back of R/H cylinder head rather than botch it and have it loosing all its coolant up the Alps in September I decided to do the job correctly and take the heads off to get at the core plugs..anyway "I fucking Love my Shed" and I like these sort of jobs

I also really like this picture ..just sums up a golden  F1 era  for me ..

Its now 00:49 so a "reasonable" time to go to bed..

 The grumpy bastard from North of the Border has been writing to me again.....

So, sir, you need a new wiper linkage for your Audi? Well that'll be £300 as it includes the motor, sir. But I don't need a motor, as mine is fine and healthy, so I'll just have the linkage, thank you. But no, let's not be stupid here. We live in a world of finite resources, and we are all doing our bit to save the planet. Except Audi, and M-B, and BMW, and all the other 'premium' car makers I'd guess. What a shame. But an all too common scenario down at the parts counter at Audi.
This of course means that some breaker will get my business, though they get to charge extortionate prices for old bits of scrap as they know full well the old story with Audi.
For now I've dismantled part of the old seized linkage so that the driver's side wiper still functions fine. Its often better if my passengers haven't got a clue about what's ahead.......
Lastly, why, I am sure we all wonder, would Audi manufacture a part like a wiper linkage where there is aluminium on steel contact? Built-in self-destruction perhaps??
I fear that he Audi and Disco are both heading towards their demises. Starter motors, coolant pumps, fuel filter housings, batteries, track rod ends; the list goes on and on and on, and that just for this year. Just remembered that I needed to get a new bulb for the number plate light at the rear of the Audi. So, how much do you think???? Well, housing was deemed to be so rusted that it cost me £100 for a bulb. Deeply joyful.

Meanwhile, the rumblings about independence continue. Lies, lies, more lies, and simply crap. From both sides I fear. But I would say the feeling here is that the race is very close. God help us if the selfish idiot Salmond does win. Lately JK Rowling has donated £1 million to the Unionist cause, which at least may encourage some of the children who will get the vote to think again.
There's been a fair amount of shit around this last week. I got my two-yearly bowel cancer test kit courtesy of the Scottish devolved parliament. Its a bit of a faff, though the mood is lightened by the fact that every time the instructions mention a 'motion', it is translated into the Scots vernacular as 'poo'. Essentially, open your samples card, and provide two pea-sized samples of poo from 3 poos over a 10 day period, and send to a man at Holyrood........ Actually,  what you are given is a card with 6 windows, and 6 lollipop sticks. So, you poo, you DO NOT LET THE POO TOUCH THE WATER, you take your pea-sized poo plops, and smear them on the windows. Then close the window (a bit like the reverse of the advent calendar, but smellier and messier, and potentially a health-risk in and of itself (the card will be hanging around your home for several days. (careful if you own a brown labrador as we all know what appetites they have!). Your two samples from each poo have to come from different parts of your motion, though I'm not altogether sure that the government will know if you've cheated, but then again, Salmond and Sturgeon are experts when it comes to shite... So, all you have to do is work out a method of motion-control that stops the turd taking a bath. Those French toilets where you have what I always think of as an 'inspection ledge' would be ideal, but alas, they are all too rare in Scotland. I got myself into the spirit of things by addressing the root-invaded blocked drain that leads away from my bathroom, but not nearly far enough away. A friend's high pressure petrol driven pump takes an hour to start and then tends  to run for 3 minutes. Missing lots of finger skin from the pull cord, and rather hoarse from all the shouting, but some of the blockage has been sent packing. More effort needed..........

Lastly, my garden has been taken over by honeysuckle; the insidious, low, creeping, bastard variety . If anyone has good ideas about how to eradicate it, I will pay handsomely..

Sods and Sods Law...

SOD IT ...
I had  to strim the tall grass growing along the edge of the road outside the fading Georgian squat  – mainly  so I could see the speeding boy racers coming through the village at 80mph-  the restored line of sight  allows me to time my pulling out on the slack jawed chav twats to perfection it causes  them to brake wildly for fear of dinging the front of their stupid little French cars that have been  decorated with cheap imported fake chrome dust caps, wheel trims, pink steering wheel covers, and lowered to within an inch of the tarmac -sods law, I had just finished when the council grass cutting tractor turned up and  cut the verge though the whole village....bugger

CHAV CAR

COUNCILS LATEST TRACTOR

position?

"Unobtainable position"
-for some reason lady luck has been shining on me the last few days,Ive always known I am a lucky boy..but you make your own luck?
Thus for some to find themselves in an unobtainable what luck did they make before hand?  Is it time for them to be retrospective or do they not realize they are in unobtainable?

YODEL  are SHITE.....see below

In transit, parcel delayed by 24 hours	Yeovil service centre	10th May 2014	11:08
Despatched from service centre	Yeovil service centre	9th May 2014	15:21
In transit, parcel delayed by 24 hours	Yeovil service centre	9th May 2014	05:51
Despatched from service centre	Yeovil service centre	8th May 2014	16:34
Parcel received at service centre	Yeovil service centre	8th May 2014	05:29
Despatched from service centre	Yeovil service centre	7th May 2014	16:14
Please contact sender	Yeovil service centre	7th May 2014	09:48
Customer updated delivery date	Yeovil service centre	3rd May 2014	08:37
Parcel received at service centre	Yeovil service centre	2nd May 2014	05:27
Despatched from service centre	Yeovil service centre	30th Apr 2014	19:07
In transit, parcel delayed by 24 hours	Yeovil service centre	30th Apr 2014	18:37
Despatched from service centre	Yeovil service centre	30th Apr 2014	18:37
Customer updated delivery date	Yeovil service centre	30th Apr 2014	17:45
Customer updated delivery date	Yeovil service centre	29th Apr 2014	18:27
Customer updated delivery date	Yeovil service centre	28th Apr 2014	17:19
Despatched from service centre	Yeovil service centre	25th Apr 2014	19:10
In transit	Yeovil service centre	25th Apr 2014	15:49
Delivery attempted, call card left	Yeovil service centre	25th Apr 2014	10:28
Parcel out for delivery	Yeovil service centre	25th Apr 2014	08:09
Parcel received at service centre	Yeovil service centre	25th Apr 2014	07:39
Parcel received at service centre	Wednesbury hub	24th Apr 2014	23:41
Despatched from service centre	Leeds service centre	24th Apr 2014	19:58

End of an Era-the shed has left the shed

I am without Triumph for the first time since 1988 ......time to move on lots of things to get cracking on in the shed ....Scimitar GTE to finish for a run out in April , Rover P6 to restore for Family hack use, and a Mini project to find for "Minis To Monte" 2017 .....well that's the plan at the moment.....it could all change next week! Oh and now the fuckwit politicians have pissed off in their trendy wellies and work load has calmed down with the falling flood levels ( I really don't want to see another pump for a while) I guess I better get back to house bashing and dreaming of  shed time

Mice 0 me 4

T shirts added to website due to unpopular demand 

www.shedtune.co.uk

Check the for sale page  or click on T SHIRTS in the footer 

The mice are not doing so well 4 nil to me at the moment...

So that was christmas,Vain Muppets,Winter Sports .....blah blah blah

Judging by the out of date cheese and  half and eaten jar of picked eggs in the fridge

Christmas has been an gone -good I don't have to pretend not to be grumpy anymore -not that I am unhappy, I just enjoy being grumpy-the house is full of plastic tat that "Father sodding Christmas" dropped off and now I'm expected to produce 6 off AA batteries from thin air, at any time of the day, 24/7, to provide  power to the latest monster truck, wall climbing hex bug remote controlled shite made from recycled x-ray machines in China.


 I m still finding pine needles all over the place -but that was my own fault - I bought the biggest cheapest  tree I could find (£12.50 + vat) as the non-drop version was a tenner more - I went large thinking that the more needles you start with you wont notice the little fuckers falling off,I needn't have worried as the kids covered it in four acres of highly flammable  toxic tinsel- I might as well have propped a broom up in the corner for them to decorate-and saved myself the pain of "Blocked sodding Dyson rage"-those things are shite- only any good for hoovering up clean houses.
The best thing about it all was the bonfire  constructed using the excessive "tat" packaging that came free with all the other "tat"- the kids were impressed when I lobbed the Christmas tree on top of it observing the hot sparks and exploding sap rocketing towards them looked  "like fireworks"

I see its been revealed that over the last 19 years our brave political heroes, have seen fit to record themselves in the annuals of parliamentary history- spending over £250k on bloody portraits of themselves - well done,you vain twats that's really helped pay for the new science block.
I decided to save the Tax payer some cash and commissioned a household name (in our household anyway) to draw the cabinet for the price of a packet of chocolate buttons.

All though you shouldn't believe what you read  - the people in charge of the press are as at least as bad as the vain inbred dimwits next to the river Thames.I laughed when they were caught on CCTV playing "hide the lap top" that contained potential evidence that could implement them in the phone tapping scandal -yet they still plead innocence-clinging onto the hope that their vain ex -employers next to the Thames will bail them out.

Ive been slightly cheered up by the start of "winter sports season" - I don't mean the winter Olympics I mean temping mice into old fashioned mouse traps- an annual sport in our house when the temperature outside drops below the temperature inside the house-the furry little feckers  decide they they would rather be inside -lucky for me they cant resist peanut butter -Its brightens up my mornings when I see a tail sticking out the jaws of the trap - all though it puts the kids off their Rice Krispies 

Everythings shite,one step forward ,three back and other very grumpy rants

LIST OF TODAY'S SHITENESS

• Cricket - England cricketers you are bloody awful-one thrashing OK,but learn from it don't allow another two on the trot you muppets-at least try and make it a contest rather than just offering the opposition catching practice...right that's that rant over -Thank god I don't give a monkeys about the overpaid chavs off to Brazil next year - I really do hope they get thrashed.

• Cars with electric sodding windows-What is wrong with a simple window winder handle? It would be a lot easier than reciving a phone call from Bristol sodding Airport car park "The window wont close Im about to miss my flight"
• Mobile bastard Phones-Whats wrong with buttons? I dont want a touch screen that sends a photo of my foot via blue sodding tooth to random parents in "school assembly" watching Donkey "number one" abandon a pregnant virgin to doss down in a stable -all he wants from this rather thinly veiled  bit of adultery celebration is a sodding Monster Truck
• Cars that bloody talk to you-this isn't really the cars fault the car is a good idea- ruined by the stupid things that have been added to it-when I'm driving the last thing in the world I want is for the car  to  get into cohorts with "Samsung random time space continuum  world" and start talking to the hateful thing in my pocket- the novelty of listening to music in the car via my phone wore off as soon as I realized the easiest way to get rid "Steve Sodding Wright in the afternoon" was to press play on the CD player rather than try and memorize 30 separate commands (whilst stationary as the twat behind the dash assumes your driving even if your in the passenger seat and wont let you "connect Samsung random world" to the "car" whilst moving) but whats worse is once they have spoken to each other  your life is ruined-imagine my surprise whilst maneuvering the car out of the drive it asked for a "command" ...right you bastard I thought "Drive the kids to school" I said getting out the car ....did it? did it hell. It did make the kids be quiet as they contemplated walking the 3 miles to lessons,the 8 year old restored order by making the radio work again within about 200 yards of setting off -so now every time I touch the steering wheel I end up phoning people I didnt even know existed they apparently reside in "Samsung's random world" phone book a book  I havent managed to access via the soding touch screen for months -and now the car can do do it if I accidently look at one of the 20 stupid buttons on the steering wheel -and why the hell would I want to talk to anyone whilst driving? I dont want to talk to people much... ever-Again the mobile phone is a good idea that has been ruined  and a car is a good idea that has bee ruined and they certainly don't need to talk to each other 
• WINDOWS 8 - Oh yes where shall I start? what a pile of shiteness. Windows XP worked fine for me- it wound the window down when I wound the handle so to speak-for the last 6 months Ive had to endure something that waters the garden and offers to take the dog for a walk (we don't have a dog,Christ could you imagine having to try and look after one of those as well as children) when I try attach a picture to an email -then it shoots off to "APPs store" Then shows me silly windows all over the screen telling me the fucking weather in New york when all I want to do is find out why the holiday photos have been hidden in some magical fucking "cloud" somewhere - I can just about live with that shiteness believing its "so called progress"  But the best was yet to come -the one  "useful" thing the old lap top could do was to make "Home  DVDs" (in the style of the old family "Cine Films" that  had plenty of viewings at  Christmas family gatherings  before  they got trapped in the projector and caught fire) to  send Grannies and Grandpas around Christmas -WINDOWS 8 has never fucking heard of DVDs -that's not progress  that's just bloody stupid-twats
• CHRISTMAS- enough said