Search This Blog

Monday 8 December 2014

Fiery hedge kills Polar bear...



It’s been a while..

The “holidays” have melted into distant memories of “boobie buns and butt crack peaches”   it was a period of constant muddled parental “Daddy duty” culminating in the  family taking on  the spectre of “Euro Disney”- the nine year old attempted to inflict lasting physical damage on me with 10 consecutive rides of “Space mountain”-  I wanted to inflict lasting damage on the rude arrogant staff and the twat who was constantly playing “let it go” via the site wide P.A. system- this constant rendition of the sickly Disney  tape worm caused the 5 year old to burst into his version  “let it poo” at every opportunity thus sending the 7 year old girl into the inevitable strop …a true home from home atmosphere

Once the pain was over it was back to blighty, new school terms, a shift in the school run routes and  the constantly shifting logistics that reduce my small male brain to mush-I am sure school run could be a lot quicker for everyone taking part if my method was adopted– head down, don’t make eye contact ,don’t talk, pick up kids, walk as fast as possible to car ,drive home etc – i.e.  don’t stand about in the bloody way talking about tat, don’t double park, and most of all don’t stop your vehicle  in the middle of the road talking through drivers door window to people who have already picked their children up and say-
 “Can’t stop I’m late picking the kids up”
- The reason your late is because you keep stopping and telling people your bloody late…

Bastard Ballet has been replaced with “Tap Jazz modern dance sodding theatre” or something like that-at least now it’s held in a rundown village hall and doesn’t involve the 5 year boy twating brand new Porsches as he opens his car door with the force of a hydraulic ram to “help Daddy” pick his big sister up.
She managed to win “dancer of the week” trophy one week –even with her foot in a cast after breaking her ankle, I failed to notice the trophy and sat on it-took a lot of super glue to stem the flow of tears (hers as well as mine.. it was bloody sharp)…and get it back in one bit in time to be passed on to the next recipient the following week.

The chalk effect Swedish blue is back in the tin- why on earth would you name a paint after what sounds like a 70s porn movie? 
PORNO PAINT No 69

This could only mean one thing.. restoration of the first floor bedrooms was complete- my feeling of euphoria and thoughts of sneaking off to the shed were quickly stolen away from me- it felt a bit like when I left school, that feeling of –“great I don’t have to learn anything anymore” then finding out school was a piece of piss compared to the “learning” that had to be learnt on leaving the bloody place….Anyway it was pointed out to me that we now have a “spare room” so let’s move this child to that room and that child to this room etc “because his desk looks better in it”……??
The room “finished” nearly two years ago, and now vacated by the 9 year old is to become the “spare room” and guess what…it needs sodding painted to cover up the young “Michael Angelo’s”  attempts at felt tip decorations ..…deep joy.
The spare room situation has released the “room of shame” and allowed it to explode over the rest of the house – this room had hidden various items under the guises of “office” and done a very good job over the last few years…but now some of it is moving into the “spare room” this involved me and a half cut helper carrying two large bookcases up stairs ….the books and various tat are still on the “office” floor awaiting teleportation …or a fucking big bonfire?

To cap everything off Christmas has now snuck up on me as- all three Children are begging me to buy electrically unsafe outdoor flashing lights to set fire to the hedge – I’ve told them no as leaving unneeded lights on will kill all the Polar bears…they now refuse to look at the neighbours.