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Wednesday, 1 July 2015

What’s gone wrong with Trousers?

It’s been a while since the last blog update ..not because I haven’t had plenty to comment on/be grumpy about… Christ we have had an Election and several life sapping windows 8.1 updates since I last posted ….(the f**king printer still doesn’t work)..the M6 definitely doesn’t work this was proven at the last half term holiday- 10 hrs to travel 300 miles, most of that time spent stationary, or at walking pace on the M6- which has been crippled by works installing signs to tell you you’re in a f**king traffic jam!..Madness why don’t the department of (stationary) Transport make the most of free social media platforms,fess up and “facetwit” the entire motoring population that the roads are sh*te,it will take you hours to get anywhere... and you will be late, arriving at your destination with a car full of emotionally scarred children,fluent in a dozen new expletives …the money saved from using “twitface” instead of spending it on a 10 year “traffic jam ahead” sign scheme could be used to fund a dual carriage way “toll road” running parallel to the M6 …I would gladly pay the toll to use it ..Extra if it excluded HGVs and Honda so£ding Jazzes

And what’s gone wrong with trousers? Why can’t I fit my legs in them anymore? What’s all this skinny fit bol**cks? Didn’t we have all that in the 80s?..and why when you even show a new pair of socks  to a washing machine they reduce in size? ..the 10 year old has done well out of this- he now has even less excuse to pick up his pungent ones off the bedroom/bathroom floor as he has an everlasting stock of ones that have caused me circulation issues since being washed …socks never used to do this

Camping ..really what is the point ? …turn up argue about how to erect a temporary shelter in a field where other people have done the same, get wet cold and  covered in insect bites, cook on a primitive stove or a “throw away BBQ” that guarantees diarrhoea, resulting in frenzied speed walks to the nearest “toilet” block, sit on disc crippling folding chairs and drink strong cider whilst laughing at others turning up to pitch their temporary shelter (2 hours late due to a traffic jam caused by the “traffic jam ahead” sign post road works) …Last week I actually moved my temporary chair to get a better view of a late arrival going through the pain I had just endured ..and what’s the point of camper vans? Stupid things covered in graphics matching the owners latest “inking” ..I thought they were meant to be mobile? Stop where you want (normally a lay by on the A30) smoke some pot get the munchies move on to the next hedonistic rave.. not so they seem to turn up  spend 4 hrs erecting a tent metropolis attaching to and in some cases fully enclosing the “Van” …what’s the point why didn’t you just put a tent in a normal car and drive to the so*ding field …least then we wouldn’t  all have to do 30mph behind your f**king stupid  retro modern wheezing van loaded down with 3 marquees …
Buy a normal car you twat...

 Like I said .. I just haven’t had time to write it all down

Monday, 8 December 2014

Fiery hedge kills Polar bear...

It’s been a while..

The “holidays” have melted into distant memories of “boobie buns and butt crack peaches”   it was a period of constant muddled parental “Daddy duty” culminating in the  family taking on  the spectre of “Euro Disney”- the nine year old attempted to inflict lasting physical damage on me with 10 consecutive rides of “Space mountain”-  I wanted to inflict lasting damage on the rude arrogant staff and the twat who was constantly playing “let it go” via the site wide P.A. system- this constant rendition of the sickly Disney  tape worm caused the 5 year old to burst into his version  “let it poo” at every opportunity thus sending the 7 year old girl into the inevitable strop …a true home from home atmosphere

Once the pain was over it was back to blighty, new school terms, a shift in the school run routes and  the constantly shifting logistics that reduce my small male brain to mush-I am sure school run could be a lot quicker for everyone taking part if my method was adopted– head down, don’t make eye contact ,don’t talk, pick up kids, walk as fast as possible to car ,drive home etc – i.e.  don’t stand about in the bloody way talking about tat, don’t double park, and most of all don’t stop your vehicle  in the middle of the road talking through drivers door window to people who have already picked their children up and say-
 “Can’t stop I’m late picking the kids up”
- The reason your late is because you keep stopping and telling people your bloody late…

Bastard Ballet has been replaced with “Tap Jazz modern dance sodding theatre” or something like that-at least now it’s held in a rundown village hall and doesn’t involve the 5 year boy twating brand new Porsches as he opens his car door with the force of a hydraulic ram to “help Daddy” pick his big sister up.
She managed to win “dancer of the week” trophy one week –even with her foot in a cast after breaking her ankle, I failed to notice the trophy and sat on it-took a lot of super glue to stem the flow of tears (hers as well as mine.. it was bloody sharp)…and get it back in one bit in time to be passed on to the next recipient the following week.

The chalk effect Swedish blue is back in the tin- why on earth would you name a paint after what sounds like a 70s porn movie? 

This could only mean one thing.. restoration of the first floor bedrooms was complete- my feeling of euphoria and thoughts of sneaking off to the shed were quickly stolen away from me- it felt a bit like when I left school, that feeling of –“great I don’t have to learn anything anymore” then finding out school was a piece of piss compared to the “learning” that had to be learnt on leaving the bloody place….Anyway it was pointed out to me that we now have a “spare room” so let’s move this child to that room and that child to this room etc “because his desk looks better in it”……??
The room “finished” nearly two years ago, and now vacated by the 9 year old is to become the “spare room” and guess what…it needs sodding painted to cover up the young “Michael Angelo’s”  attempts at felt tip decorations ..…deep joy.
The spare room situation has released the “room of shame” and allowed it to explode over the rest of the house – this room had hidden various items under the guises of “office” and done a very good job over the last few years…but now some of it is moving into the “spare room” this involved me and a half cut helper carrying two large bookcases up stairs ….the books and various tat are still on the “office” floor awaiting teleportation …or a fucking big bonfire?

To cap everything off Christmas has now snuck up on me as- all three Children are begging me to buy electrically unsafe outdoor flashing lights to set fire to the hedge – I’ve told them no as leaving unneeded lights on will kill all the Polar bears…they now refuse to look at the neighbours.

Friday, 17 October 2014

4,000 miles two sheds!

This month I have mainly been doing this

4,000 miles two sheds

Tuesday, 9 September 2014


I haven't had time to write many rantings here..but I will  have plenty on Euro Sodding Disney when I have time 

I been mainly spending late nights in the shed here

Tuesday, 29 July 2014

Peachy belgium buns

Its a week into the Holidays ....only another 5 days of this and I can off load the kids at a pre-paid play/activity scheme for a whole week  ...its a bit pricey - but  worthwhile - I would gladly sell a working organ to fund a full 6 weeks worth...actually its not bad value as you can off load them at 9.30 they get fed lunch and dinner before you have to go and get them again around 6pm....
but looking forward to being at work for the week ..

The now 5 year old boy excelled  himself in Sainsburys this morning.... making his standard  sprint down isle 5 to the bakery department shouting "Donuts" ..he stopped dead in his tracks (described by him as doing a cool skid) pointed to some iced  Belgium buns and changed his high pitched chant of donuts to an excited exclamation of   "look Daddy boobie buns"

 "That's nothing"  said the 9 year old boy nonchalantly "These donut peaches look like butt cracks"
School boy laughter ensued as I tried to chastise them -thank god the 7 year old girl wasn't  there to offer here opinion on the items in the fruit and veg isle -she was re-enacting  "Frozen" in a village hall somewhere as part of her "musical dance class" -bloody bargain that just have to provide pack lunch drop off  and run ... then the  main body of your day inst subjected to "let it sodding go" being sang/played on a loop with occasional  accompaniment from 5 year using the the words  his 9 year old brother has taught him "Let it flow...let it flow....let it poo...let it poo" - this version will always induce a drama queen strop and possible fist fight between Sister and Brother,then Daddy begging them to be nice to each other whilst he paints another  bloody wall in a shade of Swedish chalky effect blue

Sunday, 29 June 2014

23:26hrs some time to be bloody grumpy at last....

The reasons behind my lack of posts is due mainly to not having enough sodding time - 

Today  I find myself at 23:26 on a Sunday evening with a bit of "spare time" normally I would be in the shed... the last 3 or 4 evenings Ive been in there until at least 1 am I blame Glastonbury Festival- we have inset days on the Friday and the Monday -I guess the teachers like to go and join in  rolling around in mud and waking up in strange tents...thus I have the pleasure of Daddy Duty -trouble is I don't have to get up for the school run so Ive slipped into semi night-shift mode have the kids but they don't seem to care.
Daddy duties this week have included painting the landing sodding window whilst suspended by a sky hook and sanding 130 years of stain,varnish ,evo stick and bastard floor tiles that some twat in the 60s thought would look great stuck to the floor
Bastard Floor
  Now I am sure you have all heard of "I fucking Love Science " on the "Facetwit" pages -where we all pretend we understand whats going on and that we all actually enjoyed Science at School -we all had that "crazy teacher who set fire to the lab" -well my school was shite I didn't have that teacher and I learnt all my science when I left school -but I do like science- what I dont like is D.I.Y so I thought I would start up a new Facetwit page called "I fucking Hate D.I.Y" ....I might expand it to "I fucking Hate Most Things"
What could go wrong?

I would certainly include Windows 8 in the "most things" section the hateful thing wasted 1.5 hrs of my life the other day - trying to get the scanner to work via black magic so I could "email" an important document that could only be accepted by "e sodding mail" ..I use to survive without emails  and scanners,the only scan I was familiar with was the one you needed on your testicles after a vicious 2nd row had got hold of you ..
The view from the shed hasn't missed noticing there has been a "World Cup" cup my arse,oh and some Cricket ..sort of.... here were my thoughts on that little lot..

"Good to see England football team adopt an new approach to the 2014 World Cup competition rather than go out “on penalties”- as has been the choice of previous teams this youthful squad brought in some fresh ideas namely the “losing all matches as quickly as possible” approach
“Our new strategy worked very well” said manager Hoy Rogerson” We worked hard on the training ground thinking up new ways of cocking it up” he added “It was one of the new boys who suggested the “school boy gift” set piece and it was great to see that come off tonight”
Captain Heavin Sterard gave his thoughts post match “It was all going so well until we equalised, I’m not sure what Slooney was thinking when he put the ball in their net ...He was meant to have been sent off in the first ten minutes for throwing his handbag at the officials… he’s getting on bit and was never the sharpest tool in the box …after that we had to dig deep and forget to mark their best player..It worked really well and we came away looking like a Sunday morning pub side..It’s a great feeling - now we don’t have to risk winning a penalty shoot out by mistake”

Not to be outdone the Cricketers joined in -

England's Cricket Team have been a bit over shadowed by the glorious defeats of the Football team but have come back strongly by pulling off one of the greatest defeat snatches from the jaws of victory in their recent good run of defeats captain Cook saying " We tried desperately to loose the first test but didn't quite pull if off ending up with the draw" he added "the team spirit was low after that and made worse by the Football team doing better than us at cocking it up,so today's plan was to let the Sri lanka captain score as many runs as he wanted- we even got the umpires on his side which was a nice touch,we have got ourselves in great position at 57-5,I am hopeful of a crushing defeat by midday tomorrow ..well I hope so,so I can get well pissed on cheap lager watching the football team loose 6-0 for my captaincy I feel you would be hard pushed to find anyone that can cock things up better at the moment ...well apart from that Gerrard bloke "

Im writing this listening to the radio ...Ive burnt the TV as its full of shite - Ive replaced it with a "Lava Lamp" the kids havent noticed the difference-
All though it was a mission trying to turn the radio on without the sodding remote control-lost or tidied up fuck knows where it is-  a simple "on" fucking "off" switch would have done rather than having to use "mind force" on the "touch" pad to turn it on and tune it into anything that wasn't welsh folk music or the shipping forecast
Shed activity has been good - got the car running again ...then took it to bits again...I will update the other blog with more details ..when I get some time?

A core plug started to leak on the back of R/H cylinder head rather than botch it and have it loosing all its coolant up the Alps in September I decided to do the job correctly and take the heads off to get at the core plugs..anyway "I fucking Love my Shed" and I like these sort of jobs

I also really like this picture ..just sums up a golden  F1 era  for me ..
Its now 00:49 so a "reasonable" time to go to bed..

Saturday, 14 June 2014

 The grumpy bastard from North of the Border has been writing to me again.....

So, sir, you need a new wiper linkage for your Audi? Well that'll be £300 as it includes the motor, sir. But I don't need a motor, as mine is fine and healthy, so I'll just have the linkage, thank you. But no, let's not be stupid here. We live in a world of finite resources, and we are all doing our bit to save the planet. Except Audi, and M-B, and BMW, and all the other 'premium' car makers I'd guess. What a shame. But an all too common scenario down at the parts counter at Audi.
This of course means that some breaker will get my business, though they get to charge extortionate prices for old bits of scrap as they know full well the old story with Audi.

For now I've dismantled part of the old seized linkage so that the driver's side wiper still functions fine. Its often better if my passengers haven't got a clue about what's ahead.......

Lastly, why, I am sure we all wonder, would Audi manufacture a part like a wiper linkage where there is aluminium on steel contact? Built-in self-destruction perhaps??

I fear that he Audi and Disco are both heading towards their demises. Starter motors, coolant pumps, fuel filter housings, batteries, track rod ends; the list goes on and on and on, and that just for this year. Just remembered that I needed to get a new bulb for the number plate light at the rear of the Audi. So, how much do you think???? Well, housing was deemed to be so rusted that it cost me £100 for a bulb. Deeply joyful.

Meanwhile, the rumblings about independence continue. Lies, lies, more lies, and simply crap. From both sides I fear. But I would say the feeling here is that the race is very close. God help us if the selfish idiot Salmond does win. Lately JK Rowling has donated £1 million to the Unionist cause, which at least may encourage some of the children who will get the vote to think again.

There's been a fair amount of shit around this last week. I got my two-yearly bowel cancer test kit courtesy of the Scottish devolved parliament. Its a bit of a faff, though the mood is lightened by the fact that every time the instructions mention a 'motion', it is translated into the Scots vernacular as 'poo'. Essentially, open your samples card, and provide two pea-sized samples of poo from 3 poos over a 10 day period, and send to a man at Holyrood........ Actually,  what you are given is a card with 6 windows, and 6 lollipop sticks. So, you poo, you DO NOT LET THE POO TOUCH THE WATER, you take your pea-sized poo plops, and smear them on the windows. Then close the window (a bit like the reverse of the advent calendar, but smellier and messier, and potentially a health-risk in and of itself (the card will be hanging around your home for several days. (careful if you own a brown labrador as we all know what appetites they have!). Your two samples from each poo have to come from different parts of your motion, though I'm not altogether sure that the government will know if you've cheated, but then again, Salmond and Sturgeon are experts when it comes to shite... So, all you have to do is work out a method of motion-control that stops the turd taking a bath. Those French toilets where you have what I always think of as an 'inspection ledge' would be ideal, but alas, they are all too rare in Scotland. I got myself into the spirit of things by addressing the root-invaded blocked drain that leads away from my bathroom, but not nearly far enough away. A friend's high pressure petrol driven pump takes an hour to start and then tends  to run for 3 minutes. Missing lots of finger skin from the pull cord, and rather hoarse from all the shouting, but some of the blockage has been sent packing. More effort needed..........

Lastly, my garden has been taken over by honeysuckle; the insidious, low, creeping, bastard variety . If anyone has good ideas about how to eradicate it, I will pay handsomely..

Wednesday, 11 June 2014

Sods and Sods Law...

SOD IT ...
I had  to strim the tall grass growing along the edge of the road outside the fading Georgian squat  – mainly  so I could see the speeding boy racers coming through the village at 80mph-  the restored line of sight  allows me to time my pulling out on the slack jawed chav twats to perfection it causes  them to brake wildly for fear of dinging the front of their stupid little French cars that have been  decorated with cheap imported fake chrome dust caps, wheel trims, pink steering wheel covers, and lowered to within an inch of the tarmac -sods law, I had just finished when the council grass cutting tractor turned up and  cut the verge though the whole village....bugger



Friday, 23 May 2014


"Unobtainable position"
-for some reason lady luck has been shining on me the last few days,Ive always known I am a lucky boy..but you make your own luck?
Thus for some to find themselves in an unobtainable what luck did they make before hand?  Is it time for them to be retrospective or do they not realize they are in unobtainable?

Monday, 12 May 2014

YODEL  are SHITE.....see below

In transit, parcel delayed by 24 hours Yeovil service centre 10th May 2014 11:08
Despatched from service centre Yeovil service centre 9th May 2014 15:21
In transit, parcel delayed by 24 hours Yeovil service centre 9th May 2014 05:51
Despatched from service centre Yeovil service centre 8th May 2014 16:34
Parcel received at service centre Yeovil service centre 8th May 2014 05:29
Despatched from service centre Yeovil service centre 7th May 2014 16:14
Please contact sender Yeovil service centre 7th May 2014 09:48
Customer updated delivery date Yeovil service centre 3rd May 2014 08:37
Parcel received at service centre Yeovil service centre 2nd May 2014 05:27
Despatched from service centre Yeovil service centre 30th Apr 2014 19:07
In transit, parcel delayed by 24 hours Yeovil service centre 30th Apr 2014 18:37
Despatched from service centre Yeovil service centre 30th Apr 2014 18:37
Customer updated delivery date Yeovil service centre 30th Apr 2014 17:45
Customer updated delivery date Yeovil service centre 29th Apr 2014 18:27
Customer updated delivery date Yeovil service centre 28th Apr 2014 17:19
Despatched from service centre Yeovil service centre 25th Apr 2014 19:10
In transit Yeovil service centre 25th Apr 2014 15:49
Delivery attempted, call card left Yeovil service centre 25th Apr 2014 10:28
Parcel out for delivery Yeovil service centre 25th Apr 2014 08:09
Parcel received at service centre Yeovil service centre 25th Apr 2014 07:39
Parcel received at service centre Wednesbury hub 24th Apr 2014 23:41
Despatched from service centre Leeds service centre 24th Apr 2014 19:58