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Wednesday 18 December 2013

Everythings shite,one step forward ,three back and other very grumpy rants

LIST OF TODAY'S SHITENESS
  • Cricket - England cricketers you are bloody awful-one thrashing OK,but learn from it don't allow another two on the trot you muppets-at least try and make it a contest rather than just offering the opposition catching practice...right that's that rant over -Thank god I don't give a monkeys about the overpaid chavs off to Brazil next year - I really do hope they get thrashed.
  • Cars with electric sodding windows-What is wrong with a simple window winder handle? It would be a lot easier than reciving a phone call from Bristol sodding Airport car park "The window wont close Im about to miss my flight"
  • Mobile bastard Phones-Whats wrong with buttons? I dont want a touch screen that sends a photo of my foot via blue sodding tooth to random parents in "school assembly" watching Donkey "number one" abandon a pregnant virgin to doss down in a stable -all he wants from this rather thinly veiled  bit of adultery celebration is a sodding Monster Truck
  • Cars that bloody talk to you-this isn't really the cars fault the car is a good idea- ruined by the stupid things that have been added to it-when I'm driving the last thing in the world I want is for the car  to  get into cohorts with "Samsung random time space continuum  world" and start talking to the hateful thing in my pocket- the novelty of listening to music in the car via my phone wore off as soon as I realized the easiest way to get rid "Steve Sodding Wright in the afternoon" was to press play on the CD player rather than try and memorize 30 separate commands (whilst stationary as the twat behind the dash assumes your driving even if your in the passenger seat and wont let you "connect Samsung random world" to the "car" whilst moving) but whats worse is once they have spoken to each other  your life is ruined-imagine my surprise whilst maneuvering the car out of the drive it asked for a "command" ...right you bastard I thought "Drive the kids to school" I said getting out the car ....did it? did it hell. It did make the kids be quiet as they contemplated walking the 3 miles to lessons,the 8 year old restored order by making the radio work again within about 200 yards of setting off -so now every time I touch the steering wheel I end up phoning people I didnt even know existed they apparently reside in "Samsung's random world" phone book a book  I havent managed to access via the soding touch screen for months -and now the car can do do it if I accidently look at one of the 20 stupid buttons on the steering wheel -and why the hell would I want to talk to anyone whilst driving? I dont want to talk to people much... ever-Again the mobile phone is a good idea that has been ruined  and a car is a good idea that has bee ruined and they certainly don't need to talk to each other 
  • WINDOWS 8 - Oh yes where shall I start? what a pile of shiteness. Windows XP worked fine for me- it wound the window down when I wound the handle so to speak-for the last 6 months Ive had to endure something that waters the garden and offers to take the dog for a walk (we don't have a dog,Christ could you imagine having to try and look after one of those as well as children) when I try attach a picture to an email -then it shoots off to "APPs store" Then shows me silly windows all over the screen telling me the fucking weather in New york when all I want to do is find out why the holiday photos have been hidden in some magical fucking "cloud" somewhere - I can just about live with that shiteness believing its "so called progress"  But the best was yet to come -the one  "useful" thing the old lap top could do was to make "Home  DVDs" (in the style of the old family "Cine Films" that  had plenty of viewings at  Christmas family gatherings  before  they got trapped in the projector and caught fire) to  send Grannies and Grandpas around Christmas -WINDOWS 8 has never fucking heard of DVDs -that's not progress  that's just bloody stupid-twats
  • CHRISTMAS- enough said

Monday 9 December 2013

Bastard parking,chocolate for breakfast?..Bollocks it must be December

   I'm not sure how it happened one minute I'm wedging the bank card in Bristol Airports short stay car park machine, causing a large tail back and a small police incident- by illegally dumping the car full of children in the "security zone" and running back towards the  automated gate, "Basil Faulty" stlye to give it a good kicking for failing to return the bank card I offered it,just to let me out the sodding place

   I have to admit the Policeman was very helpful pointing out that they would have to tow the car if I left it there and the children do "look a bit scared"  ...the thought did cross my mind- leave the kids in the care of the state for a week whilst I run off on a jolly in place of the planned half term week with Grannies, Grandpas,Aunties and Uncles etc,instead of a Reginald Perrin week  the Policeman offered to guard the machine, call maintenance guy to come open it up and look for the card, whilst I drove back round  the houses and into the car park for a second fucking time -we were only meant to be "dropping mummy off" for her business trip, I had all ready put 3 pound coins in the hateful machine,before resorting to shoving the team debit card in the slot meant for prepaid tickets-how was I meant to know that? I live in a shed most of the time -by this time the machine had given up the card via maintenance guys screwdriver and I was able to get on my way,fueling up for the 300 mile trip "up north" - 4 of us and various kiddie crap  squashed into 13 year old Audi  A3,only as the 13 year old Land Rover had "rogered" its self the day before.
The sound track was "Are we on the motorway yet?" from the 4 year old accompanied by "Its my turn on the Kindle" every alternate minute from the 6 and 8 year old - I was happy when "Kindle" battery went flat- unfortunately the 8 year old spotted a USB charger at the services- bollocks-how times have changed back in my day you were lucky to get a bag of Golden Wonder to share at the services- but I couldn't endure the whingeing of no Kindle for another 100 miles,plus the 4 year old had moved onto "when are we off the motorway?"  and I could tell he was building up to "are we there yet?"

Anyway -that was the end of  October ,the next thing I know is the little angels can only be pried out of bed in the mornings by reminding them about snowman shaped chocolates hiding behind cardboard windows,which means... its December and "Sodding Christmas" is bearing down on me,what happened to November? I have no idea,I must have used it without noticing, done some house bashing ? come to think of it I  have a distant memory of some shed time,a foreign land, cider,old mates and Rugby.
I know Im paying the price now......

Thursday 7 November 2013

Bastard Clangers

Quote of the day-
“Eventually, Postgate won - and the Clangers apparently swear like troopers, for those who can translate”.

Possibilly they had just learnt of an "99p ebay" purchased full size piano that that is on its way to their once peaceful , happy abode....FFS



Saturday 12 October 2013

Back to the Shed....



Back to the shed..
Shed time is precious once in there the world seems a happier place, a bit like riding the mower up down the garden for a couple of hours- I am in my own happy little place for a while,no bastard ballet, no “Hello kitty” sock strops, and no soddingbastardskirting boards to ruin your day ,so you can imagine my dismay when ¾ the way through some mower therapy my ears were greeted  by a noise similar to a jump jet sucking up a flock of swans – after quickly removing small bits of red hot  ball bearings from my extremities the root cause of the noise was quickly  traced to the two blades hitting each other- due to a massive loss of said ball bearings from  the blade drive train..bugger…. 
This was a mower that was given to me three years ago as it was “knackered” and “didn’t work” since then we have spent a lot of time together not all of it spent cutting grass-a good part of it spent with me swearing at it in the middle of the field surrounded by 6” long grass looking for the “little spring” that just fell out the “widjet” that’s a “bit iffy but keeps it running… if you wedge your foot under this lever”  so needless to say I feel quite attached to the old lump as I do towards the other cobbled  together relics in the shed
Two new bearings, new belt, blades and a quick coat of oxide primer to the deck we are ready to ride 
 again 

Mission accomplished





   
SPOT THE KNACKERED BEARING!        



Also back in the shed is the Scimitar, back from its “Fireball XL5” exploits in France, Wednesday   morning the insurance assessor came to visit it- ironically back in 1976 he was a  mechanic at the dealership in Bristol that supplied Scimitars (John Dangerfield) and remembers carrying out the modification to the weber carburettors called for in the  recall of 1976,my Scimitar is a 1976 model and still carries the same dealers badge,

 unfortunately the recall modification was never carried out to mine.. resulting in the fire…bugger

     
Spot whats missing!









Wednesday 25 September 2013

Glitch in grumpiness



Fond memories….(before turning into a grumpy old git again)



15 years ago I knocked off work early and set off down the M3 onto  the A303 heading towards the South West in my trusty 1977 Dolomite sprint (Named “Zanusi” after the old  washing machine that had been used to hold the floor together ) the low cloud cleared traffic disappeared and with a  TDK C90 mix of Stone Roses, Charlatans and Kula Shaker  playing on the stereo  I ragged the Sprint  to Minehead to view a 1977 2500TC that had been off the road for 10 years, I remember the trip well as not only did I end up buying the car (UGP 840R aka “the big red bus”) but remember the roads being great ,the old car going well ,and just feeling good –the world was my oyster so to speak - this was a non-sat nav trip just a dodgy old atlas and a scribbled sheet of A4 with names of towns to head for and road numbers for me to glance at  whilst driving,  I didn’t get lost and even found the sellers house first time from his directions given over the phone, on the way back I had a great 50 mile  tussle with a Golf GTi  who couldn’t get shot of  the shit bucket “old Triumph” which eventually went past him on the inside of one of the big roundabouts on the A303 …

Fast  forward 15 years and I find myself  traveling  from Taunton  to Watchet to pick up a Rover P6 panel this time in an “old” Audi A3 that hadn’t even been built when I made that trip to view the 2000 ,Sat nav on passenger seat and 4 year old Son in the back- I find myself remembering driving that section of road in the Sprint all those years ago, the music was the same but being played via my “shite useless” phone, the sun came out, the roads cleared a bit –the only thing spoiling the trip was the shite awful handling of a 100,000 mile front wheel drive Audi with mud and snow tires on it ! but I found myself caught up in the moment thinking what a lucky boy I’ve been over the last 15 years, and all was well with the world ,its amazing how a section of road some music and a splash of sunshine can lift your mood.

We were a bit early for the vendor so stopped at the cider farm in the village which had tea shop, swings, slides and live chickens and pigs to chase this kept the 4 year (and me) more than happy for 15 mins or so.


The sat nav was turned off for the trip back and we tootled along me teaching the 4 year old the lyrics to “I am the resurrection” (Stone Roses)

Ah happy days….

Friday 13 September 2013

What a bunch of arse...

I ve been tested this week chasing up getting the Scimitar back from France

Spent all week chasing my tail its goes something like this

The "European rescue cover" that I have worked fine getting me back to the UK- but that wasnt really rocket science, the bit I really wanted them to do was get the car back to the UK ....the saga goes like this
So because there had been a fire the rescue service provided by my insurance company (the one that rhymes with the stuff you use when soldering) needed to send an engineer to provide a report to send to the underwriter for the breakdown rescue service-they sound like the union you join when you are an actor-  they siad this report would happen within 24 to 48 hrs -which it did but they didnt forward it on to anyone for another 3 days and even then they admitted it was in a format they couldn't un-zip!-
I only find this out after phoning them everyday asking whats going on-but I did find out who they eventually  sent it to at the underwriters -I phone the underwriters to make sure they can open the report - only to find that the person they had emailed  is on long term leave and the people back filling work part time and "are not in today"

So I give my details to the underwiter -and credit to them they emailed me the report - but also added its nothing to do with them as the records they have for me are for my old car-and even if it was anything to them they wouldn't repatriate the car as a fire is classed as an accident I need to go back and speak to my broker and an car insurer

Phone my broker-the one you use when soldering or providing insulation for capacitors-
"oh that should have been updated and passed on" please hold the line - 20 mins later a voice at the end of the phone -"hello sir have you broken down what is your location"

"In France  last fucking week " I reply rather tersely

So no further on ........roll on Monday when the claims department of the company the car is insured with opens(the same department that should have been sent the report and dealing with the whole affair...twats) -their company name  sounds like the expression used to describe things that go one for ever and ever and ever and ever

Monday 9 September 2013

Well that didnt got to plan....

All is not well in the Shed find out why on the "car" blog........and Ive got Bastard Ballet tomorrow....

Friday 30 August 2013

Calling all grumpy bastards ...I need a theroy?



WHEN IS GRUMPY GOOD?-CALLING ALL GRUMPY BASTARDS
Following some feedback from my last postings of rubbish on “bloody face book” and my “view from the edge blog” it’s been pointed out I am a Grumpy old man –good.
I like being grumpy, here is my theory….
Have the red hot curry, enjoy it, and enjoy being grumpy in the morning when your ring piece looks like a Japanese flag and stings like deep heat rubbed in an open wound.
It’s like shouting at the telly- some smart arse will always point out there is an “off button” or “don’t watch it if you don’t like it”-I like watching it. It makes me grumpy when I shout at the silly twats that that expose their “real lives”- slack jawed bum fluffed afternoon TV watchers, whinging about now they are charged for renting the spare room in their benefit paid London penthouse to Romanian hookers, and now they can only afford to feed the 4X4 kids (i.e. 4 kids 4 different fathers) Findus low grade crispy horsemeat pancakes (compared to Iceland pizzas)
So back to the point –sort of! When is grumpy good?
It was pointed out to me wouldn’t it be easier to take a 50mpg Golf on our forthcoming “Euro-shed tour”? Well that would be like having the mild curry or reaching for the off button…what’s the bloody point?
So hopefully this time next week Team Shed will be at the top of Stelvio pass in a 37 year old car – one that has spent the last 18 years slowly decaying in a shed, one that has taken a lot of Grumpiness to get almost ready, I’ve placed my order for the chefs special Madras and have no intention of backing out now.





So the “Spanish bombs” holiday is drawing to a close, I am going to miss the “siesta” time, sangria and red wine fueled  card schools – all though the cards in the evening did worry me as” Uncle Bazza” pointed out  its only one step away from a caravanning holiday.
The 8 year old has honed his breast stroke in the hours spent in the pool and developed a very competitive streak playing the “grownups” at “Gin Rummy” which the six year old pronounces as “Gin Mummy?”
I’ve collected all the stick on tattoos given free in the local crisps packets  and plastered them randomly over my chest, arms and back trying to spell out the names of members of girl bands and birthdays in incorrect roman numerals so I blend in with the crowd permanently located at the pool side bar.
I’ve survived two weeks without a shed, enjoyed it and believe it or not am looking forward to getting back to bashing the house and finishing the first floor –with the exception of sodingbastardskirting boards

Saturday 24 August 2013

SPANISH BOMBS...rubbish from the travelling shed

Team shedtune - fundraising link click here




Spanish Bombs-not sure if the Clash meant this sort of bomb

"You can take the boy out of boonie land but not the boonie out of the boy"

So here I am stuck in Spain completely outnumbered by Females and small children, not a shed in sight and trying to learn how to “relax”
The cultural centre of the villa complex is the “cave bar” an underground establishment which appears to be full of the Eastenders cast appropriately coloured and wrinkled after 15 years on a sun lounger, but it’s a good place to catch up with the cricket score.
Days have slipped into a lazy routine of  late breakfast, pool, lunch, afternoon snoozing, late afternoon pre dinner swims then the adults trying to resist 20 Marlboro Red , 3 bottles of Rioca before bed and doing it all over again the next day.
We are a week in and reinforcements have arrived in the form of “Uncle Bazza” this has made an immediate impact on my “Mr Shark duties” chasing our kids in the pool but increased the load placed upon my liver.
In the background I’ve been worrying about how much there is  to do on my return to ready the Scimitar GTE for its  fund raising drive across Europe –the plan being  a 2,000 mile 4 day round trip with an overnight halt in Nice (post Med dip)
-I’ve only owned the car since May, it was discovered locally in a shed untouched, unmoved and a bit unloved for the last 18 years. It’s taken a lot of commitment cost and late nights in the shed to get it through its MOT which it passed with a day to spare before we left for our excursion from “Boonie Shedland” to “Spainland” as the 6 year old calls it
Of course with any old car put back into service after such a long layup it takes a while to iron out running faults these will have to be done en-route - as I did last time in 2011 with a Triumph Spitfire that I  rescued from a 13 year lay up in a shed  prior to taking it on Club Triumphs 10 countries Run –so I’m getting quite good at second guessing what might fail a few hundred miles in and have replaced or refurbished as many of those critical parts time and resource have allowed - some before and after shots below 


In fact its history repeating itself all the way back to 2003-back then a group of Triumph owners (about 15 cars and crew) met in North London and drove none stop to Nice –looping back through as many countries and twisty bits as possible to “pick up” 10 countries – the early conversations and ideas focused mainly on covering 2,000 European miles in a weekend, the ten countries idea developed on the back of that ,back then I owned my 2500 TC- a bit tweaked and running triple Weber’s it developed a “knock” 10 days or so before our planned start date for the first “10 CR Proving Run” 

 Engine was stripped and re-built – new crank pistons etc – anyway it was all a bit touching cloth, the 2003 run was made interesting from the off as I had to drive a 600 mile round trip to pick up “Homer” (Ben my lifelong mate and co-driver in such events) before getting to the pre-planned start with only half an hour to spare, that half hour was spent swapping spark plugs -no3 bore had taken a liking to fouling its spark plug –it would end up being swapped 12 times in the next 2,000 miles! The water pump also had to be replaced in the Nice hotel car park which looked like a service area from the Monte Carlo rallies of old once we turned up, great fun and great memories it went on to become a successful event run every two years under the Club Triumph banner
I was intending to take part in this year’s 2013 event and for old times’ sake even tried to purchase the now very sorry 2500tc I did the 2003 event in and restore it ,that deal fell through for reasons I still don’t really understand .
It was always my intention to overnight in Nice on the 2013 event –unfortunately the organisation wouldn’t allow for this or even my offer not to take part in the “official event” and help out as a travelling marshal/spares-car/spanner man ,but as  there’s only so many times you can take being ignored and after discussion with Homer we withdrew our entry and  decided to head to Nice for a” Pint” (hence “Nice Pint 2013”) in my old Rover P6 which had been repatriated to boonie land after 15 years “up north” hiding from my wife in a mates garage-then the Scimitar GTE turned up! –it made sense to ready this one as no time consuming welding was needed.
There’s no going back now, hotels and ferries booked, Triumph parts pinched off the other car and sold to raise funds for the trip – the GTE has a 20 gallon tank and does 20 mpg!
It’s now our plan to do a similar European drive every two years (and encourage others from all walks of shed life to join in) raising funds for Cancer Research - we have both lost close family and friends to the disease and thought it would give all those long nights in the shed some purpose -apart from the obvious that we are all grumpy middle aged petrol heads.
What I would love is to be writing this blog in ten years time on the eve on another trip where twenty, thirty forty (or as many as possible grumpy shed dwellers  that have dared break cover from the mundane grind of Bastard Ballet Runs, Cubs, school pickups, play dates ,damp camping trips and other broken dreams)  grouped together over the previous months via the new fangled interwebby “antisocial media sites” -rescued some sort of interesting automotive “lost cause” or forgotten impractical  gem –something  that doesn’t have multiple gadgets bolted onto a hateful little whizz box that couldn’t pull the skin off a sloppy  Spanish omelette-in my mind at the moment is the rubbish Peugeot 208 hire car sitting outside the villa, it does its bit for the environment by putting people off driving anywhere –I feel sorry for “young” people who have this as their first taste of automotive freedom –anyway back to the dewy eyed “shed brethren” preparing  their offerings  from some long lost manufacturer, filling its tanks with the soon to be outlawed “Petrol” the air tinged with  body odour EP80/90 and illegally home produced alcohol based  octane booster, driving into the night to board ferries on route to a pre-ordained rendezvous point- chosen for the size of car park and its closeness’ to a burger van rather than the “simply delightful vistas and wonderful local produce, oh  I do hope the area isn’t overdeveloped blah blah ” or some other suitably up its own arse “west London” speak
 –bollocks to that I say, let’s hope the EU funding stays so they can afford to build a stonking 40 hairpin climb up that lovely vista and put a burger van at the top with a fully serviced pit lane.
I can but dream, but in a couple of weeks time I will be on that dream that’s taken two years to come round, on my return after 4 brief days of “freedom utopia” I shall slip back into the mundane grown up world, sneaking off into the shed to polish rust and plot some more freedom, feeling very lucky to be alive.

   
TEAM SHED 2003 ......

I have a Virgin giving page set up ,and plan to sell “Shedtune” T-Shirts on a small scale all year round  the profits going to Cancer Research –get in touch if you fancy one or a bespoke design , etc 





So now it’s off to the “Cave Bar” to take advantage of the free Wi-Fi to upload this blog – I may even have a few “Spanish bombs” to ease the worry of what might or might not break on the GTE or what bits and widgets I have forgotten to pack – I will send an email to homer telling him to order some bits to make me feel better