It’s been a while..
The “holidays” have melted into distant memories of “boobie
buns and butt crack peaches” it was a
period of constant muddled parental “Daddy duty” culminating in the family taking on the spectre of “Euro Disney”- the nine year
old attempted to inflict lasting physical damage on me with 10 consecutive
rides of “Space mountain”- I wanted to
inflict lasting damage on the rude arrogant staff and the twat who was
constantly playing “let it go” via the site wide P.A. system- this constant
rendition of the sickly Disney tape worm
caused the 5 year old to burst into his version “let it poo” at every opportunity thus sending
the 7 year old girl into the inevitable strop …a true home from home atmosphere
Once the pain was over it was back to blighty, new school
terms, a shift in the school run routes and the constantly shifting logistics that reduce
my small male brain to mush-I am sure school run could be a lot quicker for
everyone taking part if my method was adopted– head down, don’t make eye
contact ,don’t talk, pick up kids, walk as fast as possible to car ,drive home
etc – i.e. don’t stand about in the
bloody way talking about tat, don’t double park, and most of all don’t stop
your vehicle in the middle of the road
talking through drivers door window to people who have already picked their
children up and say-
“Can’t stop I’m late
picking the kids up”
- The reason your late is because you keep stopping and
telling people your bloody late…
Bastard Ballet has been replaced with “Tap Jazz modern dance
sodding theatre” or something like that-at least now it’s held in a rundown
village hall and doesn’t involve the 5 year boy twating brand new Porsches as
he opens his car door with the force of a hydraulic ram to “help Daddy” pick
his big sister up.
She managed to win “dancer of the week” trophy one week
–even with her foot in a cast after breaking her ankle, I failed to notice the
trophy and sat on it-took a lot of super glue to stem the flow of tears (hers
as well as mine.. it was bloody sharp)…and get it back in one bit in time to be
passed on to the next recipient the following week.
The chalk effect Swedish blue is back in the tin- why on
earth would you name a paint after what sounds like a 70s porn movie?
 |
| PORNO PAINT No 69 |
This could
only mean one thing.. restoration of the first floor bedrooms was complete- my
feeling of euphoria and thoughts of sneaking off to the shed were quickly
stolen away from me- it felt a bit like when I left school, that feeling of
–“great I don’t have to learn anything anymore” then finding out school was a
piece of piss compared to the “learning” that had to be learnt on leaving the
bloody place….Anyway it was pointed out to me that we now have a “spare room”
so let’s move this child to that room and that child to this room etc “because
his desk looks better in it”……??
The room “finished” nearly two years ago, and now vacated by
the 9 year old is to become the “spare room” and guess what…it needs sodding
painted to cover up the young “Michael Angelo’s” attempts at felt tip decorations ..…deep joy.
The spare room situation has released the “room of shame”
and allowed it to explode over the rest of the house – this room had hidden
various items under the guises of “office” and done a very good job over the
last few years…but now some of it is moving into the “spare room” this involved
me and a half cut helper carrying two large bookcases up stairs ….the books and
various tat are still on the “office” floor awaiting teleportation …or a fucking
big bonfire?
To cap everything off Christmas has now snuck up on me as-
all three Children are begging me to buy electrically unsafe outdoor flashing
lights to set fire to the hedge – I’ve told them no as leaving unneeded lights
on will kill all the Polar bears…they now refuse to look at the neighbours.
