- gym club navigated and sodding cubs -tree recognition exercises in the local woods,now ,coffee in hand Planet rock on the radio and tommorows dinner in the oven-a cheeky dish I call - "Fiarview House country Lamb casserole/hot pot stew that can be re-heated post bastard ballet and pre-"classmates birthday party" - a outside pool party starting at 7pm FFS -whats was wrong with a caterpillar cake and "pass the parcel wrapped in newspaper" straight after school style party? the dish could also be called "What the fuck shall I do with that half leg of lamb I defrosted and got to mashed on cheap cider to be bothered to cook"-cant really see that one lining up in Jamie's next "school dinners" especially as I put a whole bottle of chianti in it-anyway back to the sub plot...Alternatives - no I'm not going to whinge about the fucking useless wind turbine that sprouted up outside a local village which hasn't turned its prime mover but has lined the pockets of several equally useless "non -executive board members" who just happen to be on the planning committee-that's just reminded, me whilst watching "Revenge of the Sith" the 8 year old commented that "Anakin would have been OK if he hadn't listened to the dark side of the politician"
Anyway back to topic-
Shades of grey-"that book" a fellow Scimitar owner and forum "user" posted up some excerpts from an Alternative (got there eventually) version that needed mention on this blog-
The novel "Fifty Shades Of Grey" has seduced women - and baffled blokes.
Now a spoof, Fifty Sheds Of Grey, offers a treat for the men.
The book has author Colin Grey recounting his love encounters at the bottom of the garden.
Here are some extracts...
Fifty Sheds Of Grey
We tried various positions - round the back, on the side, up against a wall...
but in the end we came to the conclusion the bottom of the garden was the only place for a good shed.
She stood before me, trembling in my shed.
"I'm yours for the night," she gasped, "You can do whatever you want with me."
So I took her to McDonalds.
She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then
harder until finally it came.
I moaned with pleasure. Now for the other boot.
Ever since she read THAT book, I've had to buy all kinds of ropes, chains and shackles.
She still manages to get into the shed, though.
"Put on this rubber suit and mask," I instructed, calmly.
"Mmmm, kinky!" she purred.
"Yes," I said, "You can't be too careful with all that asbestos in the shed roof."
"I'm a very naughty girl," she said, biting her lip. "I need to be punished."
So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend.
"Harder!" she cried, gripping the workbench tightly. "Harder!"
"Okay," I said. "What's the gross national product of Nicaragua ?"
I lay back exhausted, gazing happily out of the shed window.
Despite my concerns about my inexperience, my rhubarb had come up a treat.
"Are you sure you can take the pain?" she demanded, brandishing stilettos.
"I think so," I gulped. "Here we go, then," she said, and showed me the receipt.
"Hurt me!" she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over my workbench.
"Very well," I replied. "You've got fat ankles and no dress sense."
"Are you sure you want this?" I asked. "When I'm done, you won't be able to sit down for weeks."
She nodded.
"Okay," I said, putting the three-piece suite on eBay.
"Punish me!" she cried. "Make me suffer like only a real man can!"
"Very well," I replied, leaving the toilet seat up.
"Pleasure and pain can be experienced simultaneously," she said, gently
massaging my back as we listened to her Coldplay CD
Speaking of alternatives some of you may have noticed that Pilton music festival was on this weekend- ie "Glastonbury" - I noted the BBC were providing lots of coverage to make sure the corporation didn't have to pay out £25M to disgruntled sound techs who didn't get the chance to get on the free "jolly" of looking up Jo Whileys skirt for the weekend
I don't know how "alternative" Glastonbury can be called anymore with the crowd made up of middle aged accountants and bankers, a lock down exclusion zone of 10 miles set up and manned by private security staff around the site - I over heard I colleague at grown up work today describe that after a spot of bird watching (great crested marsh mouse eating hawk or something) he could hear the music about 5 miles away,knowing the area he decided on the way home to park up on a hill overlooking the site and soak in a bit of the atmosphere- this is a guy who watched the Stones at Knebworth in 76- a famous concert in which many thought they were up staged by lynyrd skynyrd anyway he wasn't allowed along the road he wanted-his path blocked by "security" this was about 5 miles away from the entrance- I guess people want their £250 a ticket investment protected- but not really in the spirit of "Festival" though is it?
We decided to get into the "spirit "- here are some of my posts over the weekend- for some reason they were not relayed to the BBC dedicated streaming website ...
"Not wiling to fork out £250 per person for tickets for Pilton festival we created that "Glastonbury" feeling down the road at our house - so the kids get a realistic experience we set up a tee pee in the living room,and will be watching/listening to events via 6 music,Ive left a massive floater from this morning in the downstairs toilet and have taken to pissing in the garden in full view of the neighbors, in the kitchen we have organic microwave curry reasonably priced at £9.50 per portion -well you cant put a price on the planet can you?- wine is £14 per bottle and £5 a pint of cider - the kids are complaining about the prices but I explained the nearest supermarket is a 9 mile walk ..
We are keeping it real here at "Little Festival" -this morning I made the children Que up outside the downstairs toilet for 2 hrs whilst I floated a curry and cider biscuit ,Charlotte flashed her breasts to gain access to the "posh toilets" in the "Glamping" section,we will be sending the children out later to beg for gin money so we can get mashed in silence watching mandolin mashers "Mumford and son"
"Just to stay in the spirit of things today on "Come down Monday"- after work I picked up the kids from school filled the car with dirty camping gear then proceeded to drive round like a "twat" looking for clearly signposted directions to the M5 - then ignored them and carried out random 5 point turns in my pretend 22ft converted 70s postal "camper van" blocking the A38 and A39 almost simultaneously"
Here are some more ammusing alternative comments on the proceedings
http://www.thepoke.co.uk/2013/06/29/twitter-reacts-to-glastonbury/
On the house bashing front I managed to break away from watching 69 year old men dressed in "sensible" shoes purchased from the back of the daily mail and wearing clothes thrown at them in a 1996 Oxfam shop and tried to get the 3 year olds room finished -please can I have a bit of my life back again ... ....oh I fucking hate skirtigsoddingbastard boards
 |
| Fuck it |
No comments:
Post a Comment