Milking Pandas, Ms Piggy,Tree Hugging Bench ...
Its been awhile since the last communication from the Highland correspondent,I must admit I was starting to get a bit worried that he might have been rounded up and molested by angry fish faced sheep since his last political musings , but as luck would have it he is at large and sent the following to Shed HQ-
"How on earth do you milk a Panda bear for the "juice" for artificial insemination..?I was rather more interested in warming up the "Babe" panda,I would have thought they needed a bit of foreplay,and sent my offer with a recent photo to Edinburgh Zoo,and now after eight hours with the Police I can get on with my life.
Who would have thought?Up here in the Highlands bestiality is encouraged-they say it keeps the locals sane (and reduces the burden on the NHS)"
He has obviously been allowed access to some form of media coverage recently as the above was quickly proceeded by the following-
"Stroke of genius -we've got Miss Piggy to represent UK in the Eurovision"
Back to the Pandas the lady "Babe" bear is only on heat for around 36 hrs or so a year, and even then not too fussed about getting an early night, I reckon we should explain to the work shy Panda couple our benefits system in the UK-then they would be at it like rats up a drain pipe- pointing out the more cubs they have, the more cash they have,cash to waste on Sky subscriptions, tattoos and KFC,they could spend the day watching Jeremy Kyle as much they want on expensive Ipads whilst doing fuck all else useful in accommodation the public has paid for ...bit like fish faced sheep really.
Well thats current affairs dealt with so back to reality.Three kids and the "Bastard Ballet" run which has become a bit less of a bastard due to a very kind parent of a fellow tutu student (a non range rover "Jordan" type) agreeing to return "pink princess" after the stampeding session,the payoff is I transport her offspring to the class where she meets us,last week was the first run of this new arrangement,unfortunately I had become preoccupied with crumbling internal walls and left the house for "school pick up" in a bit of a rush leaving the lurid pink change bag containing the "pink mafias uniform for my said princess -"Buggery Bollocks" I though waiting outside the school-I wanted to demonstrate to the Mother who had left me the charge of her children I wasn't a complete fuckwit so took it upon myself to load up the old TD5 with 5 kids (only 3 of them mine) nail it back home pick up the sodding Tutu,then nail it back to the "Dance School" before I was reported for Child abduction - needless to say spirits were high in the car-especially from the boys asking for more air as the peat bog undulating single track roads provided the entertainment -the three year old shouting faster whilst bracing himself between booster seat and door then trying to use his sisters ponytailed hair as a grab handle.
We made the lesson just about on time,the "Range rover evoque" brigade cast a few disapproving looks as grubby "builder looking type" waded in with five hyper kids then promptly did a runner leaving three of them behind - the three year old could be seen punching the air making his way across the car park shouting "Donuts"
Soon after moving into the faded georgian grandeur of our house with romantic ideas of a restored family home within a "couple of years" a tree hugger from the council pointed out that the 130 year old "monkey puzzle" tree in the front garden had a T.P.O on it -but as the normally evergreen tree had now turned a permanent rusty brown it was deemed dangerous if left to fall on its own accord and thus had to be chopped down -we duly complied not wanting the thing through the house
I had some of the felled timber planked up "It might be useful" I thought and then used it as a bloody heavy obstruction under a temporary "seasoning shed" in the drive for the next three years -well today I got to use some of it
After successfully overheating my £40 rip saw several times the shed had a new work bench , Douglas pine legs -left over from roof strengthening works,and "monkey puzzle" (see chilean pine or parana pine) 45mm thick work top
Time to sign off - Ballet run tomorrow, Tutu change bag already loaded in the car..
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