FFS...

The following is taken from the highway code and is for the stupid bint in a Peugeot 206 this afternoon who nearly got a Land Rover Discovery mounting her plebe french car

186

Signals and position. When taking the first exit, unless signs or markings indicate otherwise

• signal left and approach in the left-hand lane
• keep to the left on the roundabout and continue signalling left to leave.

When taking an exit to the right or going full circle, unless signs or markings indicate otherwise

• signal right and approach in the right-hand lane
• keep to the right on the roundabout until you need to change lanes to exit the roundabout
• signal left after you have passed the exit before the one you want.

When taking any intermediate exit, unless signs or markings indicate otherwise

• select the appropriate lane on approach to and on the roundabout
• you should not normally need to signal on approach
• stay in this lane until you need to alter course to exit the roundabout
• signal left after you have passed the exit before the one you want.

When there are more than three lanes at the entrance to a roundabout, use the most appropriate lane on approach and through it.

Snow,Tescos car park,stupid phones,house bashing,old sheds into new etc etc

Well it snowed- so far I have managed to resist the urge to post pictures up on public forums,Facebook and the like of "little cutie doggies ahh bless "and "fluffy wuffy kitties" poncing about in the bloody stuff.
I have to admit I did take a photo of my 5 year old Daughter getting in a right strop after several volleys of compacted snow and ice hit her - she had challenged her Brothers to a snowball fight - I did explain that's why they are called snow ball "fights" - it will end just as just  that- rather than an idyllic Walt Disney snowy utopia of pleasant children frolicking in the snow, never getting cold and whinging as frost bite sets in,or as your 8 year old brother plants another "ice bomb" into your mush,speaking of which the little sod got one down the back of my neck whilst I was chopping wood ..least it didn't have a dog turd in it

I was excused from bloody bastard Ballet class this week my wife taking on the gauntlet of " Montessori" Mothers at the little angels dance school ,I instead had the gauntlet of Tescos -Tescos car park with snow on it,well only on one bit of it- the overactive trolley police in their lovely high viz jackets had obviously been instructed to clear the car park of as much snow as possible-I assume to prevent the Micra driving dodderers from pirouetting 360 degrees into parking spaces in an effort to stock up on half price fur lined velcro fastening beige shoes,the trolley mafia had piled all the available snow into the only available "Mother and baby" parking space (why mother and baby ? in these PC times it should be something like "Guardian and young person" parking- I would prefer something along the lines of "wide parking space so you can get the little sods in and out quickly without damaging the expensive car parked 2 mm next to you" space,any way much to the delight of my 8 year old son we mounted the said pile of snow in protest and parked on it -it is nice driving a 12 year old Land Rover Discovery sometimes

 Speaking of the Disco I had picked up a slow puncture in one of my less than a year old mud and snow tyres -turned out to be a big bloody screw through it,I thought I would have to buy a new tire but the local tire place said it could be repaired for half the price so it was "sent away" for special repair and I picked it up a week later good as new- well impressed £33 all in fitted balanced up etc

Also this week I moved the "Cairo Taxi" - 1967 Triumph 2000 Mk1 into the new shed - it had been stored under an old "lean to" for the last 18 months,it felt really good washing all the crap of it - even though it was bloody freezing outside - I filled my mind with all the great times I have had in the car, and all the future adventures I plan to have in it - eventually it will be receiving its original 1967 spec MK1 engine (its running 2.5 mk2 at the moment) the aim is to have it back up to spec in time for Club Triumphs 2014 Round Britain Reliability Run, after that I want to do some local or HRCR road rallies in it -the last one I did was back in 2005 -where do the years go?

On the house bashing front I finally stripped the remaining room (of this  phase of refurbishment) of plaster,  ceilings and walls  - shitty job handballing over 25 bags of plaster rubble (just today) down the stairs and out the house on my own ,it can get a bit soul destroying at times -so that's 3 rooms out of action, one of them being the main house bathroom -good job I didn't brick up the doorway from the main house into the Annex when I refurbished that bit,its an amusing race with the kids on the cold mornings sprinting next door for a slash

Bare walls and ceiling at last

Plenty of "Making Good" to be done before I call the plasterer  in

New joists in

I have to press on with the bathroom as I've been told in no uncertain terms I am not allowed in the shed until upstairs is "finished" the exact words being "you can loose months in the shed, no way your working on that P6 until the bathroom is finished... and the kitchen in the annex" humph good job I've got the Spitfire as back up for our trip "Nice pint 2013" (A drive across Europe to have a pint in Nice)-
So to cheer my self up this week I roughed up some route details and booked a Hotel for one of the stop overs

Other news from the shed? well I became aware of something called a "Nexus 4".Apparently its a phone that retails at £279, people are so keen to have one that they are paying £400 for them on ebay why ? what absolute madness- its a bloody phone -you could buy two good shed projects for that sort of money ,they wont ring you and make you talk to people,or frustrate you as your fingers are too fat to use the sodding thing,or make you go through hell and end up throwing the stupid bit of  tech rubbish across the room when you cant be arsed to remember the bolean algebraic sequence of commands needed just to turn the bastard thing on -only to listen to a message from some annoying twat selling PPI claim back.
Well I'm off to bed now, I've drunk far to much coffee and my electric cigarette needs a recharge ,the coffee will mean I will be doing the "slash sprint" in the middle of the night no doubt...bollocks

Busy Shed Monkeys.....

Well now we are being fed horse burgers - I guess its better than being fed the bullshit we normally get from politicians,the BBC,Daily Mail,and Building Control inspectors...whats the problem with eating horses anyway? The French do and they have a great road system good coffee and don't put up with bullshit,I would rather eat horse,rather than the "mechanically recovered" arses and lips they sweep up off the abattoir floor to shove in the common "poverty" burger, if it means we get good roads and decent coffee all the better... I'm not quite sure where I am going with this now so lets move on ...Its going to bloody snow tomorrow so I guess that means full Daddy duty for me, the first sign of a flake and  the school will be shut-I wonder if they would  appreciate me testing my new mud and snow tyres on the Land Rover? I could drive children around the county looking for an open school ,I am sure some parents would pay me to take them away for a while..I could drive them to the nearest teachers house..that would be fun
 On the Shedtune front it is far more positive- Shedmonkey Homer has recovered from his "Fitness induced illness" and manged to produce this Shed report

Shedmonkey Homers log – Star date Jan 17^th 2013

Location- Riverside Garage ,Holmrook ,Cumbria (that's up North)

The day started like any other day down at the garage, but sensible thoughts soon gave way into "lets try to sort out the snapped /sized plug in No1 cylinder on the P6 B.T” (The Rover P6 has picked up the unfortunate moniker of “Brown Turd” B.T for short )

“lets have ago with that tap”, I said – realizing it was the wrong tap

Andy –who shall be referred to in all future posts as A.W  or “Old Lump Doctor” walked very slowly to the car, tap was inserted and it quickly became apparent that the taper was hitting the remainder of the spark plug.

O.L.D approaches the lump

Tap goes in 

Tap doesn't quite work

Plan B-  Sharpen a chisel and score a line down the threads through the spark plug-tap would square these up later-use chisel to prize the remainder of metal into center of hole, this included making a specialized  hook thingy to prevent the remainder of the spark plug falling into cylinder. A.W chiseled away to his heart’s content until the tosspot piece of plug did just that, it was quickly hooked out ,swore at and placed in a safe place.  

The rogered bit

This is A.W swearing at a broken bit of spark-plug

This how I would imagine  Johnny Cash would look swearing at a broken bit of spark-plug

Tap was then run down the threads , they were spot on. 

Homers home made tool

More of Homers tooling

 Homers droopy tool

Another  new tool was invented –“The how are we going to get all the bits out tool?”

It  started as a small magnet on a stick in the cylinder  then turned into a hoover and a small tube to suck out the bits- followed by the “piece of cloth on a hook tool”.  

New plugs where inserted and distributor put back on, engine cranked over but would not start.

(the old air filter had been thrown across the garage in a previous post- its was jokingly suggested there would be a new one up stairs in the treasure chest of old British Leyland N.O.S stock as Riverside was a BL/Austin Rover garage for over 20 years guess what a new one was found along with old fuddy-duddy spark plugs )

Air Filter

Prawn ring

Fuddy-duddy spark-plugs

The squirting of brake cleaner in the carb made it fire but it would not run

Note the use of "old money" spanners 

 Fuel filter removed and cleaned , carb removed, choke freed up and pipe work cleaned,then all  put back on , this time the engine fired up.. and ran –it had no bother producing the garages own weather system, a small fog bank moved from the show room down wind into the bait area (that's where Northerners sit and eat “ sandwiches” at "bait time" ) and finally drifted out via the old spray booth. 

It Runs

Make Smoke

Once the smog  had cleared gears were tested- it moves,  woooooo hooooooo-Jolly Boys trip “Nice Pint 2013” here we come-radio tested OK as well

What a great report from Shedmonkey Homer - cant wait to get the Turd in the shed, will soon have the old lump running sweet

Massive thanks to Dave and A.W at Riverside for allowing Homer on their premises!

General Grumpiness

Whats been going on in Boonie Shedtune land the last couple of weeks?

I had to laugh when C4 received  complaints from what I assume were daily mail readers regarding the taste of some of the "bum and willy" jokes broadcast on news years eve,the comedians response was very good stating that their material  was  in far better taste and less offensive  than the shite pumped out in Eastenders and the like  -The view from the shed is why don't theses "Daily Mail" readers simply switch channel- or go to bloody bed and stop trying to ruin a  bit of fun ,in fact life is meant to be fun so here is a nice picture of Billie and some Daleks....for fun

On another note I was left high and dry at a petrol station the other week- twenty liters of unpaid for fuel in the car along with two children and  one at sodding Ballet class- where I was meant to be picking her up,the cash machine ate my bank card - I only put it the sodding thing to get a balance -surrounded by posters claiming to contact the Police immediately if you hadn't  the means to pay, I had visions of the rozzers picking up my Daughter from  " South West little darlings Dance School" -I could just see the faces of the yummy mummy's who look disapprovingly enough at me in steel cap boots and work clothes  unshaven, unkempt and generally a bit smelly as I drop her off and pick her up - officers explaining Daddies tried to "blag" a forecourt -I gave my details to the forecourt attendant and promised to come back later to settle the fuel bill,the queue  was massive behind me everyone giving me the "we don't believe you look- your skint and made us late you twat"

 I phoned my bank to explain what had happened they informed me a new card and pin would be sent at a cost of £5 - I then went into a rant explaining I hadn't damaged the card or lost it- I knew where it was -in the  bloody machine and why should I pay the £5 for a new card ?

On returning to the petrol station to settle up -the attendant explained that not five minutes after it had swallowed my card it ate someone else's- thus rendering them unable to pay - I asked why he hadn't  put an "Out of order" sign on it after it roggered mine- he replied he didn't believe my story that it was a machine fault and assumed my bank had put a stop on the card - twat

 It just reminded me how dependent we have become on technology and vowed to keep at least a tenner on my person in the future!

On a happier note I sent an email to my bank explaining I wasn't happy about the £5 charge believe it or not they refunded me 

Whilst not doing my Daddy jobs Shed erection has progressed with the installation of power and lighting along with two coats of floor paint which I hope will cure OK with the low ambient temperatures we have been having 

First coat of paint going on

As for anything interesting to put in the shed progress on getting the Rover P6 fired up has been slowed down by a snapped spark plug and the Cumbrian contingent of Shedtune  "Shedmonkey Homer" suffering a chest infection - I blame it on him not having a fag for four months and taking up running -dick head, anyway he hopes to have "The bastard thing running this week" - his words not mine!

 Then it will be brought to Shedtune HQ to be made ready for its Jolly Boys trip to the South of France -Nice Pint 2013 

House Bashing,Shed Building,P6 finding

Its been a while since the last post I suffered the normal post Round Britain Reliability Run blues and got stuck in on the house- stripping a further two rooms and the main bathroom -this proved to be a challenge as I had to maintain hot water to the annex next door with its newly installed bathroom and en-suite these are providing washing facility's for the family for the next couple of months!

Old school house traps stripped out -stank of piss!

I nearly threw my self out of a window and smashed this one below all at the same time -  a passing cyclist thought I was calling him  M Fu er

The two rooms are nearly ready for plastering following replacement of ceiling joists etc My nephew "Jase the Ace" and "Big Tom Jamie" came down for a week and put some serious graft in! we also managed to see off seven gallons of cider!

 The bathroom is a mile off! arguments about, lay out, cast iron roll tops, wet room area and wood burning stoves had to be overcome-plans have now been agreed so look forward to plenty of grumpy plumbing over the next few weeks
More exciting than sodding plumbing is the NEW SHED ERECTION!

I was planning to fill the new shed with my old Triumph 2500TC and get it ready for Club Triumphs 10 Countries Run in Sept 2013 - but plans soon changed, I withdrew my entry when it turned out the event wasn't quite what I was expecting plus the deal on the 2500 didn't happen

So revert to  plan "B"- I remembered about my Rover P6 that had been sitting in  friends (Andy and Dave) garage showroom  ( Riverside Garage ,Holmrook, Cumbria) for the last 10 years or so and decided the time was right to get it on the road again and ready to be driven to Nice in the south of France for a few pints then via  Stelvio or similar for the return leg to Blighty

Homer -who spends most of his spare time playing with Dave and Andys wheel balancing machine and making Tea at Riverside garage- was dispatched to go and find the P6 and see if it would fire up -here is a copy of his email-and pictures with his rather "Homer like"captions-note-Homer is always quick to slag off  "stupid" British designed cars and old money spanners and has a  love affair with German Fiestas or Escorts or something,but he has clocked up at least 20,000 miles in my British cars over the last 16 years  taking part in various long distance events- anyway back to the e-mail


Hello mate-  
Story so far -Decided that after 7 years of neglect I would tidy up the show room and locate the Rover underneath all the crud, show room cleaned I set about opening the bonnet  fuck me that took some finding .
Then new battery and boost pack. Tried a few cranks and it wouldn't start. New petrol added and carb feed disconnected and using manual priming leaver pumped through many squirts of new fuel,  re tried cranking - sort of tried to start. (bets were taken all chipped in £1 each to see how many cranks it would take to fire)
Bets were-
Andy 15 turns 
Keith 5 
me 18 
Dave 20 

 All lost. removed carb float and cleaned out chamber found new gasket re assembled. Andy sorted points and checked for spark clean out cap. Next job remove plugs and clean.     
This is where it went down hill, Fuck me they where tight and eventually plug No. 1  snapped leaving the threaded part of the plug still in the head. Bollocks. So using some very power full penetrator  we have filled plugs 2 3 4  and bunged plug 1 and filled. Now leaving over weekend to soak.
 Andy very confident that we can retrieve the broken bit no problem, 
 Enjoyed today  apart from we had to venture over to Dave's tool box for lots of old money spanners. 
PS- AW broke the spark plug not me!  but what do you do it would have broke what ever so Monday is the day of reckoning 

bonnet opened.

carb located

air filter finally removed fucking really shit design

new battery in

show room clean out car located

new petrol

o fuck the sparkplugs are really sized

plugs 2 3 4 now soaking over weekend

shit british design

woops plug number 1 breaks off