Everythings shite,one step forward ,three back and other very grumpy rants

LIST OF TODAY'S SHITENESS

• Cricket - England cricketers you are bloody awful-one thrashing OK,but learn from it don't allow another two on the trot you muppets-at least try and make it a contest rather than just offering the opposition catching practice...right that's that rant over -Thank god I don't give a monkeys about the overpaid chavs off to Brazil next year - I really do hope they get thrashed.

• Cars with electric sodding windows-What is wrong with a simple window winder handle? It would be a lot easier than reciving a phone call from Bristol sodding Airport car park "The window wont close Im about to miss my flight"
• Mobile bastard Phones-Whats wrong with buttons? I dont want a touch screen that sends a photo of my foot via blue sodding tooth to random parents in "school assembly" watching Donkey "number one" abandon a pregnant virgin to doss down in a stable -all he wants from this rather thinly veiled  bit of adultery celebration is a sodding Monster Truck
• Cars that bloody talk to you-this isn't really the cars fault the car is a good idea- ruined by the stupid things that have been added to it-when I'm driving the last thing in the world I want is for the car  to  get into cohorts with "Samsung random time space continuum  world" and start talking to the hateful thing in my pocket- the novelty of listening to music in the car via my phone wore off as soon as I realized the easiest way to get rid "Steve Sodding Wright in the afternoon" was to press play on the CD player rather than try and memorize 30 separate commands (whilst stationary as the twat behind the dash assumes your driving even if your in the passenger seat and wont let you "connect Samsung random world" to the "car" whilst moving) but whats worse is once they have spoken to each other  your life is ruined-imagine my surprise whilst maneuvering the car out of the drive it asked for a "command" ...right you bastard I thought "Drive the kids to school" I said getting out the car ....did it? did it hell. It did make the kids be quiet as they contemplated walking the 3 miles to lessons,the 8 year old restored order by making the radio work again within about 200 yards of setting off -so now every time I touch the steering wheel I end up phoning people I didnt even know existed they apparently reside in "Samsung's random world" phone book a book  I havent managed to access via the soding touch screen for months -and now the car can do do it if I accidently look at one of the 20 stupid buttons on the steering wheel -and why the hell would I want to talk to anyone whilst driving? I dont want to talk to people much... ever-Again the mobile phone is a good idea that has been ruined  and a car is a good idea that has bee ruined and they certainly don't need to talk to each other 
• WINDOWS 8 - Oh yes where shall I start? what a pile of shiteness. Windows XP worked fine for me- it wound the window down when I wound the handle so to speak-for the last 6 months Ive had to endure something that waters the garden and offers to take the dog for a walk (we don't have a dog,Christ could you imagine having to try and look after one of those as well as children) when I try attach a picture to an email -then it shoots off to "APPs store" Then shows me silly windows all over the screen telling me the fucking weather in New york when all I want to do is find out why the holiday photos have been hidden in some magical fucking "cloud" somewhere - I can just about live with that shiteness believing its "so called progress"  But the best was yet to come -the one  "useful" thing the old lap top could do was to make "Home  DVDs" (in the style of the old family "Cine Films" that  had plenty of viewings at  Christmas family gatherings  before  they got trapped in the projector and caught fire) to  send Grannies and Grandpas around Christmas -WINDOWS 8 has never fucking heard of DVDs -that's not progress  that's just bloody stupid-twats
• CHRISTMAS- enough said

Bastard parking,chocolate for breakfast?..Bollocks it must be December

   I'm not sure how it happened one minute I'm wedging the bank card in Bristol Airports short stay car park machine, causing a large tail back and a small police incident- by illegally dumping the car full of children in the "security zone" and running back towards the  automated gate, "Basil Faulty" stlye to give it a good kicking for failing to return the bank card I offered it,just to let me out the sodding place

   I have to admit the Policeman was very helpful pointing out that they would have to tow the car if I left it there and the children do "look a bit scared"  ...the thought did cross my mind- leave the kids in the care of the state for a week whilst I run off on a jolly in place of the planned half term week with Grannies, Grandpas,Aunties and Uncles etc,instead of a Reginald Perrin week  the Policeman offered to guard the machine, call maintenance guy to come open it up and look for the card, whilst I drove back round  the houses and into the car park for a second fucking time -we were only meant to be "dropping mummy off" for her business trip, I had all ready put 3 pound coins in the hateful machine,before resorting to shoving the team debit card in the slot meant for prepaid tickets-how was I meant to know that? I live in a shed most of the time -by this time the machine had given up the card via maintenance guys screwdriver and I was able to get on my way,fueling up for the 300 mile trip "up north" - 4 of us and various kiddie crap  squashed into 13 year old Audi  A3,only as the 13 year old Land Rover had "rogered" its self the day before.
The sound track was "Are we on the motorway yet?" from the 4 year old accompanied by "Its my turn on the Kindle" every alternate minute from the 6 and 8 year old - I was happy when "Kindle" battery went flat- unfortunately the 8 year old spotted a USB charger at the services- bollocks-how times have changed back in my day you were lucky to get a bag of Golden Wonder to share at the services- but I couldn't endure the whingeing of no Kindle for another 100 miles,plus the 4 year old had moved onto "when are we off the motorway?"  and I could tell he was building up to "are we there yet?"

Anyway -that was the end of  October ,the next thing I know is the little angels can only be pried out of bed in the mornings by reminding them about snowman shaped chocolates hiding behind cardboard windows,which means... its December and "Sodding Christmas" is bearing down on me,what happened to November? I have no idea,I must have used it without noticing, done some house bashing ? come to think of it I  have a distant memory of some shed time,a foreign land, cider,old mates and Rugby.

I know Im paying the price now......