Its been far too long since my last post -this year I did intend to update the blog at least once a week or so, but like all good intentions Ive been to busy being grumpy to be arsed
-So busy in fact I haven't even had the opportunity to shout at the television, which happens a lot,I even shout at the hateful thing when its switched off,this happens when I urgently need to distract the 3 year old with "Mr tosser Tumble" to prevent him "helping Daddy" by falling through the bathroom floor/kitchen ceiling whilst I try to stop the bathroom floor falling into the kitchen of its own accord-you can guarantee I cant find the fucking remote control,when I do find it the batteries have been removed (as like all remotes the battery compartment lid is missing, this is a ploy by the manufactures to allow 8 year old children easy access to the "AA" gems inside, apparently these can be used to power messy experiments in their bedrooms) or to really hack you off the batteries have been put back in with the polarities reversed- the 5 year old hasn't grasped the physics involved with electron flow (which actually goes negative to positive for our electrician friends) of course you haven't noticed this oversight on the "little angels" behalf and stand in front the telly, swearing, pressing buttons moving closer to the sodding screen- as that's going to make it work?- looking a right twat when you realise you have fallen for the old "back to front battery trick" ..again.Meanwhile the people you were trying to distract have marched off with fisher price tool set in hand ready to impale the nearest 240v socket they can find..its at this point I pledge to anyone who will listen that if they take the batteries out the remote again the "telly" will go on the bonfire, with this I put the remote out of reach- in a safe place as far away from the television and small people as possible- within seconds-normally when I am standing at the top of the stairs thinking "why have I come up here?" I have forgotten where that place is,thus the whole thing starts again ..
When I have the misfortune of having the bastard thing switched on by someone more competent than me,the type of programs that makes me shout and leave the room are those sodding "real life" documentaries- I particularly dislike the one filmed in east London somewhere- all the subjects seemed to have married each other twice, shagged their sons wife,served time for several serious crimes,never done a days work and are always pissed up in the local- Christ you couldn't write it, there is an even a Northern version were the pub burns down alternate weeks to the local underpants factory.
So with my normal spleen venting avenue denied by not even having time to sit down I have taken to shouting at emails from slack jawed employees of the company providing me my website package, I wont mention the company name but let me assure you the fuckwits in the billing department couldn't add up 1+1,they couldn't grasp I didn't want the full on "internet shopping basket filling escrow high security intiwebby experience site" shite, I just wanted the basic 99p a month deal to let me write about quirky rusty old British cars, post pictures up of wooden sheds, greasy gearboxes,and Billie Piper draped around Daleks so they decided to bill me for a £30 a month package anyway-setting up two accounts?! Then sending me arsey emails demanding payment - here is a copy of my last reply to them (this is after an agonizingly long explanation via several departments that I only wanted the basic windows package,and that was in fact the one I was using which was paid for etc etc ...you get the picture -honestly you would rather eat light bulbs than listen to the whole saga-
Dear Mr Billing department
Have you gone
completely bonkers? yet again another reminder came from you today in
the post let me write this in big letters so you understand or would you
prefer something posted and written in crayola?
Their reply
"Our records indicate the balance was paid as of 2013-04-02 07:20:19. If the date of the notice sent to you by post is before that date I apologise for any inconvenience. Letters are automatically sent out and it would then have been just prior to the balance being paid and took until now to be delivered to your door."
My reply
"I thought you were not going to bother me again?"
Their reply
On .09.05.2013 you, or one of your colleagues, contacted our billing department.
We are constantly striving to improve our service performance and your opinion is greatly appreciated.
You can help us by evaluating our service at:
(This is where the cheeky sods posted a link to a customer satisfaction survey)
This will only take a minute or two of your time.
My reply
Many thanks for sending me your feed back survey, unfortunately I don't want to give you a minute or two of "my time" I was wondering if you wouldn't mind giving me a few minutes of "your time?" As I have wasted all my time talking to the intellectual wasteland that appears to be your billing department.
They seem to reside in a slightly different space time continuum to the rest of the human race they are trying to deal with?
That aside I have compiled my own "survey" for you to complete this will allow me to measure how well I performed as a pissed off customer-please see below-
Did you find my response to your irritating survey....(please tick one)
- Helpful?
- Ironic?
- Witheringly sarcastic?
- I don't know what irony is?
- I ignored it,it had long words.
- 1 being mild
- 10 being as annoying as piles on a long distance train journey across the Indian sub-continent
Well that's if for today, its a full on week of Daddy duty,I survived after school Gym today followed by sodding Cubs- just got the ordeal of bastard Ballet to get through tomorrow so need to get some sleep, I didn't even get round to commenting on UKIP going for a pint in Scotland ...may be tomorrow if I can be arsed thinking of a story that starts something like this ...
"what did the fascist say to the other fascist whilst having a pint in his pub?"
"Do you serve nationalists in here?"
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