Anyway to cheer us all up a mate out in Oz sent these "shed rules" more wood butcher biased than rust collectors like us- but relevant all the same! enjoy
The Code of Practice.
Index
Paragraph
Subject
Page
Paragraph 1
Scope
3
Paragraph 2
Drafting Committee
3
Paragraph 3
Definitions
3
Paragraph 4
Purposes
3
Paragraph 5
The Shed
4
Paragraph 6
Tools
6
Paragraph 7
Work(s) in Progress
7
Paragraph 8
Standing and/or leaning and staring
7
Paragraph 9
Blokely Attire
9
Paragraph 10
Inter-Bloke Communications
11
Appendix A
Rules of Blokeness
12
Appendix B
Blokeness Quotient
14
Appendix C
‘Because I am a Bloke’
16
Appendix D
Acknowledgements & Source Material
17
The Code of Practice.
1. Scope The Code of Practice concerns blokes, sheds and tools - and what blokes do in sheds with tools.
2. Drafting Committee This Code of Practice has been drawn up by members of the UBeaut Woodworking Australia Woodwork Forums – a nationwide body of experts whose collective experience, sagacity, strength, breadth, scope and depth of knowledge would be sufficient, if it were ever assembled in one place, to rival the combined erudition of the Library of Alexandria, the Smithsonian Institute, the Royal Society and the front bar of the Cowcockies’ Arms after the footy.
3. Definitions: For the purposes of the Code of Practice, the following definitions apply: 3.1. Bloke – a bloke is the owner, occupier and user of his shed. For further elucidation, refer to: Appendix A – Rules of Blokeness, Appendix B – Blokeness Quotient and Appendix C – Because I Am A Bloke.
3.2. Shed – a shed is the domain, demesne and realm of a bloke.
3.3. Tools – tools are things used by blokes in, near, around and in connection with sheds.
3.3.1. With respect to tools and/or sheds, a bloke shall determine what defines the terms: ‘in’, ‘near’, ‘around’ and ‘in connection with’ for purposes connected with his shed (see 3.2 The purpose of a shed).
4. Purposes
4.1. The purpose of the Code of Practice. The purpose of the Code of Practice is to determine and define those things that are important to blokes in the context of sheds and tools; to circumscribe the behaviour of blokes and, equally importantly, other people when in or near the shed or when using, looking at, handling and/or thinking about, tools.
4.2. The purpose of a shed. The purpose of a shed is to provide an environment and territory wherein a bloke has total and complete dominion and control and is therefore happy.
4.3. The purpose of tools and/or any specific tool. The purpose of tools and/or any specific tool lies entirely within the control of a given bloke. It’s his tool, he can do what he likes with it. If, for example, he elects to use one of his Iyoroi dovetail paring chisels to open a paint can, that’s up to him. He’s a complete boofhead but it’s his chisel (bloody drongo!). If, on the other hand, a bloke elects to use someone else’s Iyoroi dovetail paring chisel to open a paint can, he shall, within the context of this Code of Practice not just be a complete boofhead, he shall also be guilty of a major violation of this Code of Practice and, in consequence, shall be subject to loss of his blokeness status. For further information and guidance, see below under para.
6 Tools – sub para. 6.3 Other bloke’s tools, guidance on use and handling.
5. The Shed What a bloke does in his shed is up to him (see para 3 – Definitions, sub para 3.2 – Shed and para 4 – Purposes, sub para 4.2 – The purpose of a shed).
It is clear from these important sections of the Code of Practice that a bloke has complete control over all activities within his own shed. This is inviolable. However, the Code is designed to provide appropriate guidance (see para 1 – Scope). What follows in this section is intended to provide a bloke with some clear guidance. If a bloke chooses to ignore this guidance, well, he has that right but it would be a foolish bloke who knowingly transgresses the Code and commits a violation.
5.1. Size and shape. Any given shed shall ALWAYS be too small.
5.1.1. When a bloke, through force of circumstance, is obliged to suffer from a lack of an actual shed then an appropriate surrogate shed may be substituted. To that end a surrogate shed may be any given workspace or area not necessarily confined within four walls, including any and all of the following:-
5.1.1.1. a garage, 5.1.1.2. a workroom, 5.1.1.3. a patio/decking area (see Cautionary note under 5.1.1.5 below) 5.1.1.4. any other space wherein a bloke determines that shed-like activities shall be undertaken. 5.1.1.5.
Cautionary note – if a bloke co-opts a part or all of a patio for surrogate shed purposes, he shall thenceforth not use the term ‘patio’ to describe the area. The term ‘patio’ has chap-like connotations and is to be avoided within the context of this Code of Practice.
5.2. A place for everything and everything in its place.
5.2.1. It is a given that there is a place for everything and that everything shall be in its place. This is an immutable Law of Shed Physics. How would a bloke know where to find his double-ended sprocket adjuster (see para 6 Tools, sub para 6.2 – Collections, sub-sub para 6.2.1: ‘ …a tool that has no known practical use…’) if it is not put back in its proper place? However, the sole arbiter and judge of where that proper place is and should be is the bloke who owns the double-ended sprocket adjuster. The following section of the Code is intended to provide guidance on this vital matter.
5.2.2. A proper place, for the purposes of the Code, is wherever the bloke feels the tool should reside so he can find it again without difficulty. Re-arranging the positions and proper places for and of tools is an essential part of shed activity and is at least as important as standing and/or leaning and staring (see para 8: Standing and/or leaning and staring). The contents of a bloke’s shed are much like compost; they should be turned over frequently in order to function properly.
5.2.2.1. When a bloke puts something down in his shed he shall be able return to the shed after any period up to (insert period at discretion of said bloke) later and there it will be, right were he left it.
5.2.3. Fittings. Fittings are more permanently established items. The following is provided for guidance on fittings. Any item on the floor shall be considered a fitting and should be worked around and over, but never, ever, moved except when being put to its original purpose. When finished with, it is not to be put back in its original place; instead it shall be left in the closest free area wherein it is once again to be considered a fitting. This provision shall include any broken tools, lawnmowers, obscure blocks of wood and oddly shaped antique doodads that have no readily apparent use
5.3. Seating. There shall be only one stool or chair in the shed; that's all a bloke needs to ponder the whichness of the why... his mates will quite happily perch on a bench or convenient wood pile to finish their brew. Provision of more than one seat practically guarantees an
audience of the fairer sex.
5.4. Decoration. Decoration of a shed is very important as it expresses a bloke’s personality and character. Decoration of the shed can include but shall not be limited to: old number plates, tin signs, tool stickers, calendars, charts, photos, posters, drawings, coasters, cobwebs (see para 5.4 Cobwebs) old bottles, old cans, old jars, old footballs and other superannuated sporting paraphernalia (no self-respecting shed shall be entirely complete without a bent and twisted wooden-framed tennis or squash racquet with busted real-gut strings) & information leaflets on every conceivable subject known to Man.
5.4.1. Any person entering a bloke’s shed and referring to it and its contents as a “space” shall be ejected summarily from the shed and forthwith banned from ever entering it again. It’s not a bloody space – it’s a shed! (Wanker!)
5.5. Flat surfaces. All flat surfaces - no matter how narrow, wide or long – shall be deemed to be storage or work areas. This shall include but not be limited to lathes, machines (table saws etc), cabinets or tables being built and the mate’s car bonnet if he stays too long.
5.6. Cobwebs. Cobwebs are considered an important accessory in any shed. Here’s why: 5.6.1. The presence (in abundance) of cobwebs shows the shed is healthy (supports life forms apart from bacteria, mould and termites). 5.6.2. If the cobwebs are clearly visible (heaps of airborne dust particles) then a bloke’s lungs are also collecting this muck and said bloke needs a dust collector. An alternative is to use handtools for the benefits of exercise, the quality of finished work and reduction in airborne dust. 5.6.3. Cobwebs signify the presence of spiders which help keep the blow-fly population down in summer.
5.7. Warning signs.
5.7.1. A useful addition to the shed’s door is a sign on the door that says "If you hear machinery running do NOT tap me on the shoulder". Any bloke who is tapped on the shoulder whilst operating noisy machinery shall be henceforth and in consequence, held immune from prosecution for any resultant act of reflex violence, no matter how hideously unspeakable the result. 5.7.2. A good alternative to the above sign is a polite request, for example:-
5.7.2.1. KEEP OUT – This means you!, or 5.7.2.2. PRIVATE – Domain of the Bloke; or 5.7.2.3. BUGGER OFF!!
5.7.3. Old chlorine buckets shall be scattered around the place for off cuts and garbage. Each machine should have its own bin, handles are optional. Extra buckets shall be used for wood storage or makeshift shelving...
5.7.4. A 30m power lead shall be provided. The purpose of this accessory is to sit on a nail.
5.8. Junk. There is no such thing as junk. Throwing a broken Hills Hoist gearbox on the dump is not an option. It may one day be needed!
5.8.1. Local rules shall apply, and no discussion will be entered into.
Such things as: 5.8.1.1. Tools being used for tasks other than that which they were intended ie. old chisel for opening paint tins (It is recommended that it should be an old chisel (see para 4.3 - The purpose of tools and/or any specific tool.); 5.8.1.2. Radio station tuning changes according to day and time;
5.8.1.3. Choice of bevvie eg, beer in summer, plonk in winter (see para 8 - Standing and/or leaning and staring, sub para 8.3.6 - Blokely drinks) ; 5.8.1.4. Latest position for safety glasses; and 5.8.1.5. Use of wood bench for metal work and vice versa
shall be solely at the discretion of shed owner.
5.8.2. Accessories. A rotten semi-liquefied mouse residing in an ear muff. (Optional – not necessarily recommended but suggested as a useful illustration to be discussed loudly in the presence of a bloke’s life partner – thereby providing appropriate discouragement from entering the shed (the Domain of the Bloke).
5.9. Bench. No shed is complete without a bench.
5.9.1. A bloke’s bench can be purchased complete but it is recommended that a bloke build his own bench which can be any of the following:
5.9.1.1. An exquisitely designed, constructed, detailed and finished example at the very pinnacle of fine woodworking expertise.
5.9.1.2. An old and knackered door resting on a pair of trestles, nailed together with a miscellaneous collection of aging fasteners left over from the projects of yesteryear. 5.9.1.3. Any point along a line drawn between the above two extremes.
5.10. Cleaning and maintenance.
5.10.1. The bench should never be cleaned but should always be covered with something: screws, offcuts, tools, gobs of paint, glue and such. 5.10.2. The floor shall never be swept. The 2ft (610 mm) thick mat of sawdust, offcuts nails and screws is to be regarded as character building and shall be cleaned off to a depth of 1ft (305.4 mm) only upon loss of child, wife or other venturesome personage who should know better than to venture into the shed. 5.10.2.1. Safety advice: This is a distinct and definite safety measure. With a thick layer of sawdust and shavings on the floor of the shed, a bloke will be relaxed about the occasional unavoidable mishap when he drops an expensive chisel or hand plane. On the other hand, lack of a thick carpet of sawdust and shavings will make a bloke nervous, thereby increasing the likely incidence of dropping expensive sharp tools and the subsequent potentially serious injury caused by the bloke’s inevitable reflexive attempt to cushion the plane or chisel’s fall with his semi-naked, thong-clad foot (see para 9 – Blokely Attire, sub para 9.3.4 Footwear).
5.11. Visiting rights. A bloke, by virtue of his ownership of the shed (see para 3 Definitions, sub para 3.1 – Bloke and sub para 3.2 – Shed), shall have unlimited rights of visitation to said shed at any given time of day for any length of time regardless of anything else that may need to be done. A bloke exercising these visiting rights shall not be subject to questioning by others based upon his conducting blokely activities – eg, standing and/or leaning and staring (see para 8 – Standing and/or leaning and staring). 5.12. Hospitality. A bloke shall make provision for entertaining his mates. 5.12.1. All sheds shall contain at least one fridge for cold storage of beverages for visiting shed connoisseurs and wood butchers (see sub para 8.3.6 - Blokely drinks). 5.12.2. One stool only... bugger visitors, they’ve got bums and can sit on a log, bench, floor or whatever (see sub para 5.2 - Seating). 5.12.3. No shed shall be considered to have a full equipment inventory without a bottle-opener and a corkscrew.
5.12.3.1. Cautionary note: a bloke should be careful when selecting grog-related implements for the shed to adhere to basic principles and not to stray into the area of smartarsed chap-like devices.
5.12.4. Stubby holders. A bloke’s basic shed equipment shall contain several busted-arse stubby holders. It is not an absolute requirement that stubby holders in sheds shall be decorated with outrageously obscene messages and/or logos but it is considered desirable. 5.12.4.1. Shed visitors shall not be required to bring their own stubby holders but it shall be understood that if they do so, the said stubby holders will remain in the shed. It is an immutable Law of Shed Physics that a stubby holder, once it has crossed the threshold of a shed, becomes part of that shed’s equipment inventory. In this way, stubby holders continue to circulate – which is good for the economy.
5.12.5. Safety equipment. A bloke shall always have some spare safety equipment for visitors: eye, ear and nose protection as required. 5.12.5.1. Cautionary note for visitors: although a semi-liquefied, decomposing mouse or frog is not a compulsory accessory for an item of safety equipment in a bloke’s shed (see para 5.8 – Junk, sub-para 5.8.2 – Accessories), the prudent bloke will make sure that the mortal remains of any deceased rodents and/or amphibians are more likely to be found in rarely-used gear of the kind a visitor might wear than in his own more frequently employed kit. A bloke shall not be held responsible for the contents of a visitor’s ear should this provision lead to any unforeseen relocating of said deceased rodents and/or amphibians.
5.13. A Target. A shed shall contain a target. It does NOT have to be a regular round thing with a bullseye. (Picture of bloke’s MIL or Ex work just as well). The target shall:- 5.13.1. Be mounted in a suitable safe place somewhere within 6ft (1827 mm) of a bin. 5.13.2. Have a back board big enough to accommodate a bloke’s throwing skills. 5.13.3. Be used for snapped drill bits, stripped screws, farqups, balls of 2nd hand masking tape, off-cuts and twist tops from stubbies.
6. Tools 6.1. A bloke shall NEVER have enough tools. 6.1.1. This is particularly true of clamps. It is an inviolable Law of Shed Physics - known and understood by all blokes - that in any collection of clamps, no matter how large, there is always:- a) room for several more; and b) never enough of the right size and type for the given work in progress (WIP) (See para 7 – Work(s) In Progress (WIP).
6.2. Collections. Two or more of any type of item on a bench or shelf is a collection, or the start thereof. This includes any broken tools, bits of lawnmowers, old blocks of wood and oddly shaped antique doodads that have no readily apparent use. 6.2.1. A collection of tools should ideally contain something passed on from a previous generation and at least one example of a tool that has no known or immediately identifiable practical use. This provides visiting blokes with endless opportunities for fruitless speculation and displays of half-arsed non-expertise. It shall be considered inhospitable of a bloke to fail to equip his shed with an object of such abiding interest. 6.2.2. Sharpening. A vitally important part of tool care – sharpening of tools shall be conducted as follows: 6.2.2.1. A bloke shall use up every sharp tool in the shed including those not really appropriate to the task at hand, prior to sharpening any tool. The bloke will then
sharpen said tools only on an "as required" basis. 6.2.2.2. Tools shall be sharpened according to a given bloke’s needs, anywhere from the traditional ‘rough as guts’ to ‘edges meeting at single-molecule level’. Whichever standard of sharpness a bloke selects, he will test the sharpened tool’s efficiency by shaving off hairs from his forearm. Blokes who are discovered with sharp tools and a complete forearm-full of hair run the risk of being adjudged to have committed a Code violation.
6.3. Other blokes’ tools – Guidance on use and handling. (Important note: on the subject of lending and borrowing tools, please note that whether or not a bloke is prepared to lend his tools it is entirely his prerogative to determine. Whether or not he is prepared to lend you his tools may well depend upon how well you understand and follow these guidelines). 6.3.1. A bloke will always ask another bloke’s permission before handling any of the other bloke’s tools. 6.3.2. A bloke who picks up another bloke’s tool without asking permission and then either drops it or puts it down in a different position will have committed a Code violation. 6.3.3. A bloke will not make disparaging remarks about another bloke’s tools. 6.3.4. On the other hand, it is permissible to make boastful remarks about one’s own tools. 6.3.4.1. (Hint: The following line of dialogue may be useful: “That’s a nice (insert name of tool). (Pause) I’ve got the (insert description of superior example of same tool) version”.)
7. Work(s) In Progress (WIP) 7.1. Required quantum of works in progress (WIP). At any given point in time there shall be no less than 3 (three) works in progress (WIP). 7.1.1. If at any point in time there is any likelihood of the number of works in progress (WIP) dropping below this threshold owing to the impending completion of one of said works, all work is to stop and the thinking position (para 8 Standing and/or leaning and staring, sub-para 8.3 Techniques) shall be assumed for no less than 15 minutes whilst a new work in progress (WIP) is decided upon. This work must then be commenced, at least to the point of material being selected and sized, before work on any of the other works in progress (WIP) may be resumed. It is not acceptable to return to the original work in progress (WIP) until at least 3 more weekends have been consumed by other activities.
7.2. Major Works In Progress (WIP). There must be at least one major work (at least 100 man hours; or at least $100 worth of materials; or at least one expensive single use tool purchased solely for the construction of) which remains a work in progress (WIP) until the day a bloke is are carried from the shed with pennies on his eyes. 7.3. Cock-ups. There shall be at least one cock-up per work in progress (WIP). This is compulsory and unavoidable according to the Laws of Shed Physics. Realisation of the existence of the cock-up shall:- 7.3.1. Occur at any point from immediately after the commission of the cock-up to the point when a bloke spots it, having just completed the work in progress (WIP) and invited the rest of the family to admire it.
7.3.2. Result in a bloke needing to recite from memory certain key phrases of a blokely nature. 7.3.3. Require a bloke to determine a course of action chosen from the following:- 7.3.3.1. Hide it. 7.3.3.2. Claim it as an important design feature. 7.3.3.3. Ignore it (Not recommended – some smart@rse will spot it, for sure). 7.3.3.4. Expunge it by hurling the work in progress (WIP) at the target (see para 5 – The Shed, sub para 5.14 – A Target).
8. Standing and/or leaning and staring 8.1. A blokely activity. Standing and/or leaning and staring is a legitimate blokely activity and whilst its practice need not necessarily be confined to the shed or garden, it is recommended that a bloke does not engage in it too frequently outside these areas. Experience says that standing and/or leaning in areas outside the shed (the Domain of the Bloke) is likely to result in accusations that a bloke is doing nothing and may (usually does) lead to the bloke being commissioned to carry out some unblokely task. Note: On those occasions (hopefully few) when a bloke needs to leave the environs of the shed, he would be wise to wear a nail bag and have a blunt and half chewed chippy’s pencil behind his ear. Whilst away from the sanctity of the shed, if he needs to stand and/or lean and stare, he should do so in a purposeful manner. This may convince curious onlookers that he is gainfully occupied and hopefully deter any thoughts of commissioning the bloke to carry out an unblokely task. Further (and cautionary) note: Blokes should be aware that the wearing of nail bags, the aural deployment of half-chewed chippies’ pencils and the assuming of a purposeful manner are not, jointly and/or severally, proof against the tendency of some blokes’ life partners to issue inconvenient commissions for unblokely tasks. 8.2. Usefulness. Standing and/or leaning and staring is useful for the following legitimate purposes:- 8.2.1. Admiring: 8.2.1.1. Tools. 8.2.1.2. Piles of shavings and/or sawdust. 8.2.1.3. Work(s) in progress (see para. 7 above). 8.2.1.4. The shed fridge and/or its contents. 8.2.1.5. Pictures of any of the above.
8.2.2. Thinking about: 8.2.2.1. Tools. 8.2.2.2. Piles of shavings and/or sawdust. 8.2.2.3. Work(s) in progress (see para. 7 above) 8.2.2.4. The shed fridge and/or its contents. 8.2.2.5. Pictures of any of the above.
8.2.3. Not thinking at all.
8.3. Techniques. (All the following techniques can be employed as a ‘thinking position’ – see para 7 Work(s) in Progress, sub para 7.2). 8.3.1. Against the door jamb, gazing inwards. 8.3.2. Against the door jamb, gazing outwards. 8.3.3. Against the wall, gazing at the floor, bench or roof.
8.3.4. Against the bench, gazing at tool(s), work(s) in progress and/or collection (of licence plates, shavings, sawdust, wood stack, disassembled power tool, hand tool et al). 8.3.5. Note: All these techniques may be augmented and supplemented by the holding and/or consumption of a blokely drink (see sub-para 8.3.6 - Blokely drinks below). 8.3.6. Blokely drinks. Consumption of a blokely drink is recommended as a supplementary activity when engaging in standing and/or leaning and staring. The drink will augment and enhance the experience. However, it is a strict provision of the Code of Practice that the drink should be a blokely drink, as defined herein:- 8.3.6.1. Beer. 8.3.6.2. Red wine. 8.3.6.3. Coffee 8.3.6.4. Tea 8.3.6.5. Water. 8.3.6.6. Port. 8.3.6.7. Anything that you can ignite or that makes your eyes water.
8.3.7. Chaps’ drinks. Some types of drink can best be defined as chaps’ drinks. Nothing wrong with that of course, however, these need to be defined because there are some narrowly-defined circumstances wherein a bloke may legitimately consume a chap’s drink without committing a Code violation (see sub-para - 8.3.8 Exemptions below). Chaps’ drinks, as defined, include but are not limited to:- 8.3.7.1. White wine. 8.3.7.2. Gin and tonic. 8.3.7.3. Sherry. 8.3.7.4. Drinks containing bubbles.
8.3.8. Exemptions. A bloke may consume a chap’s drink in or near his or a mate’s shed without committing a Code violation under the following circumstances:- 8.3.8.1. When a medical condition exists that precludes him from consuming a listed blokely drink. 8.3.8.2. When either he or a mate has made the appalling error of failing to stock up on blokely drinks and there’s nothing else available. (However, see sub-para 8.3.10 – Code Violations re Drinks) 8.3.8.3. When the white wine or drink containing bubbles is a really good one and a bloke doesn’t want to miss out.
8.3.9. Proscribed drinks. The following drinks shall not be consumed by blokes in or near sheds: 8.3.9.1. Any drink containing cherries. 8.3.9.2. Any drink with little umbrellas. 8.3.9.3. Any drink with an abundance of fruit and/or vegetables. 8.3.9.4. Any drink that might inspire a bloke’s life partner to make that noise they make when they see something cute, like a baby.
8.3.10. Code Violations re Drinks. A bloke shall have committed a Code violation when he:- 8.3.10.1. Consumes a proscribed drink in or near his or a mate’s shed. 8.3.10.2. Makes the appalling error of failing to stock up on blokely drinks twice in succession (I mean, once is just a mistake but twice? C’mon!)
8.3.10.3. Pretends to have a medical condition just so he can indulge in a secret chap-like urge to sip on a gin and tonic or a dry sherry.
9. Blokely Attire 9.1. Whilst in, near and around his shed and/or when engaged in activities in connection with his shed (eg, nicking off to the hardware store to buy more toys tools), a bloke shall wear blokely attire (also known as clothes, gear and kit). 9.2. The different demands of climate, season, safety and whether or not his life partner can see him when he makes his move between shed and hardware store shall determine what a bloke can get away with wear in, near, around and in connection with his shed. It should, however, also be noted that a bloke is entirely in control of all shed-related issues, including attire (see para 3 – Definitions (in its entirety) and para 4 – Purposes, sub para 4.2 – The purpose of a shed). The following sections are intended to provide guidance. 9.3. General guidelines. In general, a bloke’s shed attire shall be comfortable. It cannot be stressed too highly that a bloke who is uncomfortably dressed cannot be a happy bloke. A bloke who is unhappy in his shed is in danger of committing a Code violation (see para 4 – Purposes, sub para 4.2 – The purpose of a shed). Comfortable blokely attire is therefore a fundamental requirement. (Note: Occasional brief bouts of unhappiness in the shed are unavoidable but these should be confined to the periods just after a bloke discovers he has made the compulsory cock-up (see para 7 – Work(s) In Progress (WIP), sub para 7.4 – Cock-ups) and just before he works out how the cock-up can be rectified, hidden, explained away as a design feature, ignored or expunged by hurling the offending object at the target (see para 5 – The Shed, sub para 5.13 – A Target). 9.3.1. Bagginess. A certain stylish bagginess to accommodate a bloke’s blokely stature is recommended. This is particularly important in, for example, the fit of a bloke’s strides and/or shorts. Bagginess permits a healthy circulation of air, providing cooling in hot weather and the benefits of insulation during the cooler months. 9.3.1.1. Note: old tracksuit pants (aka tracky daks) are particularly well-suited to meet the Code’s recommendations on bagginess.
9.3.2. Those dust coat things that woodwork and metalwork teachers used to wear make ideal blokely attire in the shed. One of these will give a bloke an air of technical competence – even when this is entirely inappropriate to the demonstrated skill level of the said bloke. 9.3.2.1. It is recommended, notwithstanding the strictures of para 9.3.4 – Colour, that a bloke who elects to wear one of these blokely garments, should select said garment in khaki, jungle green or that reliable standby, dark blue. White is to be avoided, especially for blokes with a limp, who might otherwise be mistaken for car park attendants. (For the same reason, blokes should avoid a sharp intake of breath followed by the phrase: ‘You can’t do that ‘ere, mate’).
9.3.3. Aprons. Whether or not a bloke chooses to wear an apron shall be at his own discretion. If he does so choose then he should exercise great care in selecting an appropriately blokely apron. 9.3.3.1. Leather aprons are very useful when carrying out boilermaker work. (Not, however, the kind of leather apron that might be found in the more ‘adult’ type of retail outlet).
9.3.4. Holes. Holes in a bloke’s blokely attire are not compulsory but they are a beneficial option (see sub para 9.3.1 re healthy circulation of air).
9.3.5. Colour. Colours and varying combinations thereof are entirely at a bloke’s choosing. The following guidelines are provided to help a bloke make appropriate choices:- 9.3.5.1. It is recommended that the base colour of a given garment shall be several shades lighter than its original colour. 9.3.5.2. Randomly-placed highlights of different shades of paint, glue, varnish, oil, grease, food and drink ingredients etc, lend a bloke’s blokely attire a certain air of casual but experienced blokeliness. 9.3.5.3. Footy club colours are not only acceptable but are actually recommended. However a bloke should try hard to avoid wearing the colours of more than one team from the same footy code. Failure to observe this provision shall not constitute a Code violation but it might lead to a bloke developing a multiple personality disorder. 9.3.5.4. Pink. Pink shall not be worn as a base colour for any garment unless said garment was originally demonstrably and obviously a bright red when purchased. 9.3.5.5. A bloke shall commit a Code violation if he wears a garment in a colour that bears the same name as any variety of fruit.
9.3.6. Footwear. A bloke is entirely free to choose any type and style of footwear from the wide range available from fully destruction-tested safety boots all the way to thongs. Guidelines:- 9.3.6.1. Preference shall be given to footwear that would render dancing difficult (hence, boots, thongs etc). 9.3.6.2. Blokes who elect to wear manky uggboots with judiciously applied patches of gaffer tape trim run little risk of offending against the provisions of this Code of Practice. 9.3.6.3. If thongs are chosen then they shall be double-pluggers and made from rubber. Those international lounge-lizard leather jobbies are to be avoided. 9.3.6.4. White shoes (unless they are weathered and paint-spattered Dunlop Volleys) are not at home in the shed. 9.3.6.5. Socks shall not be worn with sandals unless a bloke can produce conclusive proof that he was born in Her Britannic Majesty’s sceptered isle (aka The Old Dart).
9.3.7. Headgear. What a bloke chooses to place upon his scone is and must remain a matter of personal choice. General principles with regard to comfort (sub para 9.3), holes (sub para 9.3.2) and colour (sub para 9.3.3) should be observed, of course. Whilst it is not within the ambit of this Code to show partisan preference, the bloke who chooses a UBeaut cap, with or without the Foily option, will not go wrong. 9.3.8. Prohibited attire The following items are prohibited. A bloke wearing any of these in, near, around or in connection with his shed shall have committed a Code violation. 9.3.8.1. Neckties. (In a shed? – C’mon!). 9.3.8.2. Scarves. Note: A bandanna is not a scarf. Bandannas are by definition blokely attire. Scarves are worn by chaps. 9.3.8.3. Berets. (Unless the beret in question is demonstrably part of a bloke’s old uniform from when he was a member of his country’s armed services). Note: Specifically banned, prohibited and proscribed are those floppy berets worn by the type of people who would commit the appalling transgression of referring to a shed as ‘a space’. A bloke caught wearing such a floppy beret will be deemed to have committed a gross Code violation. 9.3.8.4. Any item of apparel that would meet with approval from a bloke’s life partner if the bloke were escorting her to a formal or even semi-formal social event.
10. Inter-Bloke Communications When more than one bloke is in, near, around and in connection with a shed, it is imperative that certain protocols and conventions are observed in the area of inter-bloke communication. These include, but are not confined to:- 10.1. Greetings. When a bloke’s mate arrives at the shed the inter-bloke greetings shall be restricted to a brief formal exchange of the time of day and information regarding the current relative health of the said blokes. The recommended convention is as follows: Bloke #1: “G’day. Goan?” Bloke #2: “Good. ‘Self?” Bloke #1: “Yair”. Ritual acknowledgement of the formalities in the form of a barely perceptible nod of the head is also permitted but is not compulsory and may be omitted without risk of a Code violation. 10.2. Physical contact. A bloke shall not make physical contact with another bloke whilst in the shed except in the following narrowly-defined circumstances:- 10.2.1. inadvertent contact during the passing of a tool or beverage. 10.2.2. when first meeting a new bloke - a brief and blokely handshake is permitted. 10.2.3. in a medical emergency and then only by suitably qualified paramedics. All other blokes present will stand to one side and confine their communications to appropriate commentary regarding:- 10.2.3.1. the patient’s tackle (size and relative limpness thereof); 10.2.3.2. marital status of the patient’s parents’ (legitimacy of same); 10.2.3.3. the patient’s wrist-rigidity relative to the mass of the patient’s handbag/purse and consequent capacity to swing same.
10.3. Blokely terms. In the area of Inter-Bloke Communication, there is occasionally some confusion about how a bloke should refer to and address another bloke or other blokes. This section of the Code is intended to provide guidance and to help a bloke avoid any embarrassing breaches of blokely ethics. 10.3.1. When addressing another bloke, a bloke is recommended to use the following blokely terms:- 10.3.1.1. Mate. 10.3.1.2. Pal (but see Note below). 10.3.1.3. Son (but see Note below). 10.3.1.4. Bloke. 10.3.1.5. Cobber (or Cob) – slightly dated but entirely acceptable. Note: Pal can be usefully employed to add weight to a blokely query, eg: “What are you going to use for a face when the monkey wants its arse back, pal?” Note how the query has more gravitas and emphasis with the addition of this particular blokely term. Note: Son is obviously most properly employed by a bloke when addressing one of his own descendants but it is possible to employ the term effectively when delivering advice and guidance to non-family members, eg: “You need to take a long, hard look at yourself, son”. (See Appendix B – Blokeness Quotient).
10.3.2. When addressing another bloke, a bloke is recommended to avoid the following terms - some of which are chaps’ terms:- 10.3.2.1. Chum. 10.3.2.2. Matey (it’s patronizing and is only used by boofheads).
10.3.2.3. Sonny (the male equivalent of ‘girly’. Try using that one nowadays and cop the reaction!) 10.3.2.4. Buddy (an Americanism. It’s on the margin of acceptability but cannot strictly be regarded as a blokely term). 10.3.2.5. Old chap (an obvious chaps’ term). 10.3.2.6. Man. (see 10.3.2.4 and be aware of the term’s association with certain inhaled substances).
10.3.3. A bloke will commit a serious Code violation if he commits the appalling blunder of addressing a bloke or blokes using any of the following terms:- 10.3.3.1. Chappy/Chappies. 10.3.3.2. You there. 10.3.3.3. You people. 10.3.3.4. Men (the only time this has ever been an even marginally acceptable way to address other blokes is when a military officer – preferably of field rank – is about to lead his troops into battle. And even then You Blokes would be preferable).
10.3.4. Addressing groups of blokes. In a formal or semi-formal situation, a bloke may address a group of other blokes using the following recommended terms:- 10.3.4.1. Youse blokes. Widely applicable and recommended. 10.3.4.2. Gents. More applicable in the semi-formal or formal situation than 10.3.4.1. Only ever used in the vocative case and never in the nominative. The following example is recommended usage: “OK gents. Bit of quiet thanks. Anyone needing a break please use The Gents. Thanks gents.” 10.3.4.3. Ladies. 10.3.4.4. Girls. Note: The latter two terms can be used inter-changeably when addressing any group of blokes but are probably most effectively deployed when addressing members of a rival institution: another sporting team or woodworking club, for example.
Appendix A
Rules of Blokeness
(Note, these Rules are provided in the context of the Code of Practice for persons who are not blokes so that they may better understand blokes. It is, of course, a given that blokes already understand these Rules and have no cause to refer to them – except, perhaps, so they may quote them verbatim when any need arises).
1. Under no circumstances may two blokes share an umbrella. 2. It is OK for a bloke to cry under the following circumstances: a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master. b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse. c) After wrecking your boss's car. d) One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game". e) When she is using her teeth
3. Any bloke who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and eaten by his mates. 4. Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a mate out of jail within 12 hours. 5. If you've known a bloke for more than 24 hours, his sister is off-limits forever, unless you actually marry her. 6. Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden. Complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable. 7. No bloke shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another bloke. In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is questionable behaviour. 8. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest. 9. When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing. 10. You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend. 11. It is permissible to quaff a fruity alcopop drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach - and... it's delivered by a topless supermodel - and... it's free. 12. Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another bloke in the nuts. 13. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked. 14. Mates don't let mates wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed. 15. If another bloke’s fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything. 16. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game (ie, can explain offside or LBW) and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.
17. A bloke in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight. 18. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both - that's just mean. 19. If you compliment a bloke on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer. 20. Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a mate of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response. 21. Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another bloke while lifting weights: a. Yeah, Baby, Push it! b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder! c. Another set and we can hit the showers!
22. Never talk to a bloke in the Gents unless you are on equal footing: i.e. both urinating; both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need. 23. Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary. 24. The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to nail her again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was. 25. It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours. 26. Thou shalt not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.
27. The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox/PS2. End of story. 28. There is no reason for blokes to watch Ice Skating or Men’s Gymnastics. Ever.
Appendix B
Blokeness Quotient: It is a given that a bloke knows he is a bloke. Anyone who doubts his own blokeness is, by definition, not a bloke. He may be a chap, a fellow etc, and he may be a perfectly decent example of one of those species but he’s not a bloke.
However, there are degrees of blokeness. Measured tightly within very fine margins, it is possible to determine the degree of a bloke’s blokeness.
To that end, the following scientifically-designed quiz will help any bloke to measure his own blokeness quotient.
It is recommended that a bloke takes the quiz alone and in private. Upon achieving a successful result, it is permissible for a bloke to give voice to a muted yell of triumph followed by a celebratory blokely drink. In circumstances of a less than successful result ……well, that’s not going to happen, is it?
The Blokeness Quotient Quiz:
1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You decide to:
a. Present it to the Prime Minister.
b. Present it to the Secretary General of the United Nations.
c. Take it apart.
2. As you grow older, what is it about your lost youth that you miss the most?
a. Innocence.
b. Idealism.
c. Those little fart machines made out of cardboard, metal washers & elastic bands.
3. When is it okay to kiss another male?
a. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions.
b. When he is the Pope. (Not on the lips.)
c. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have to have him killed.
4. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:
a. A cat.
b. A dog.
c. A dog that eats cats.
5. You have been seeing a woman for several years. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy - you're watching a football game; she's reading the papers - when suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, she tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together. What do
you say?
a. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don't want to rush it.
b. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
c. That you cannot believe Mick Malthouse burst into tears at the end of the Grand Final in 2003.
6. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her. How do you tell her?
a. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
b. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing through her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.
c. Tell her what?
7. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is:
a. "Do they need to eat or anything?"
b. "They're in school already?"
c. "There are three of them?"
8. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land?
a. He was being tested.
b. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally got there.
c. He refused to ask directions.
9. What is the human race's single greatest achievement?
a. Democracy.
b. Religion.
c. Beer.
Give yourself points for each answer as follows:-
a = 1, b = 2, c = 3.
Ratings:-
24 – 27 points: Maaate!
15 – 23 points: You need to take a long hard look at yourself, son!
9 – 14 points: Poofter!
Appendix C
The following is provided as a service for blokes who are confronted with unreasonable, illogical and generally PITA female demands to behave differently. We recommend that blokes run off several photocopies of this Appendix and have them available to be handed out as necessary.
Because I Am A Bloke
• Because I'm a bloke, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in. The RAC is not an option. I will win.
• Because I'm a bloke, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the bonnet and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another bloke shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink beer and break wind as a form of Holy Communion.
• Because I'm a bloke, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't a problem.
• Because I'm a bloke, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism. (FYI fellas: cumin is a spice, apparently, and not a bodily function).
• Because I'm a bloke, when one of our appliances stops working I will insist on taking it apart despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
• Because I'm a bloke, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator).....applies to engineers mainly.
• Because I'm a bloke, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always sex, cars, or football. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't ask.
• Because I'm a bloke, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come and visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too.
• Because I'm a bloke, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't....and if you are feeling amorous afterwards...then I will certainly remember the name and recommend it to others.
• Because I'm a bloke, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
• Because I'm a bloke, and this is, after all, the year (insert year), I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest...... like wandering around in the garden with a beer wondering what to do.
This has been a public service message for Women to better understand the Bloke.
Appendix D
Acknowledgements
The Drafting Committee
The following members of the UBeaut Woodworking Australia Woodworking Forums have contributed their ideas and debating skills to the drafting of this Code of Practice.
Andy Mac Ashore Bluegum BobL
Bodgy Bookend Cliff Rogers Dan
Dan P doug the slug Driver echnidna
Glenn M Harry 72 Ian 007 JDub
jmk89 MarkW Mkb Robbo
rufflyrustic Scooter silentC SkewChiDAMN!!
Waldo Wild Dingo Wongo Wood Borer
Zed
Source Material
The Drafting Committee is grateful to the various anonymous creative minds that provided the brilliant original work on the following:-
Appendix A – Rules of Blokeness.
Appendix B – Blokeness Quotient.
Appendix C – Because I Am A Bloke. These important documents have been circulating as emails for some years. The Drafting Committee is proud to have an opportunity to include them here and to acknowledge their original creators – even though the nature of generally distributed emails makes it impossible for that acknowledgement to be anything other than anonymous.
Tuesday, 28 April 2009
Tonights progress...?
Well that session with the wire brush attachment revealed a few more holes..buggerybollocks..
Anyway to cheer us all up a mate out in Oz sent these "shed rules" more wood butcher biased than rust collectors like us- but relevant all the same! enjoy
The Code of Practice.
Index
Paragraph
Subject
Page
Paragraph 1
Scope
3
Paragraph 2
Drafting Committee
3
Paragraph 3
Definitions
3
Paragraph 4
Purposes
3
Paragraph 5
The Shed
4
Paragraph 6
Tools
6
Paragraph 7
Work(s) in Progress
7
Paragraph 8
Standing and/or leaning and staring
7
Paragraph 9
Blokely Attire
9
Paragraph 10
Inter-Bloke Communications
11
Appendix A
Rules of Blokeness
12
Appendix B
Blokeness Quotient
14
Appendix C
‘Because I am a Bloke’
16
Appendix D
Acknowledgements & Source Material
17
The Code of Practice.
1. Scope The Code of Practice concerns blokes, sheds and tools - and what blokes do in sheds with tools.
2. Drafting Committee This Code of Practice has been drawn up by members of the UBeaut Woodworking Australia Woodwork Forums – a nationwide body of experts whose collective experience, sagacity, strength, breadth, scope and depth of knowledge would be sufficient, if it were ever assembled in one place, to rival the combined erudition of the Library of Alexandria, the Smithsonian Institute, the Royal Society and the front bar of the Cowcockies’ Arms after the footy.
3. Definitions: For the purposes of the Code of Practice, the following definitions apply: 3.1. Bloke – a bloke is the owner, occupier and user of his shed. For further elucidation, refer to: Appendix A – Rules of Blokeness, Appendix B – Blokeness Quotient and Appendix C – Because I Am A Bloke.
3.2. Shed – a shed is the domain, demesne and realm of a bloke.
3.3. Tools – tools are things used by blokes in, near, around and in connection with sheds.
3.3.1. With respect to tools and/or sheds, a bloke shall determine what defines the terms: ‘in’, ‘near’, ‘around’ and ‘in connection with’ for purposes connected with his shed (see 3.2 The purpose of a shed).
4. Purposes
4.1. The purpose of the Code of Practice. The purpose of the Code of Practice is to determine and define those things that are important to blokes in the context of sheds and tools; to circumscribe the behaviour of blokes and, equally importantly, other people when in or near the shed or when using, looking at, handling and/or thinking about, tools.
4.2. The purpose of a shed. The purpose of a shed is to provide an environment and territory wherein a bloke has total and complete dominion and control and is therefore happy.
4.3. The purpose of tools and/or any specific tool. The purpose of tools and/or any specific tool lies entirely within the control of a given bloke. It’s his tool, he can do what he likes with it. If, for example, he elects to use one of his Iyoroi dovetail paring chisels to open a paint can, that’s up to him. He’s a complete boofhead but it’s his chisel (bloody drongo!). If, on the other hand, a bloke elects to use someone else’s Iyoroi dovetail paring chisel to open a paint can, he shall, within the context of this Code of Practice not just be a complete boofhead, he shall also be guilty of a major violation of this Code of Practice and, in consequence, shall be subject to loss of his blokeness status. For further information and guidance, see below under para.
6 Tools – sub para. 6.3 Other bloke’s tools, guidance on use and handling.
5. The Shed What a bloke does in his shed is up to him (see para 3 – Definitions, sub para 3.2 – Shed and para 4 – Purposes, sub para 4.2 – The purpose of a shed).
It is clear from these important sections of the Code of Practice that a bloke has complete control over all activities within his own shed. This is inviolable. However, the Code is designed to provide appropriate guidance (see para 1 – Scope). What follows in this section is intended to provide a bloke with some clear guidance. If a bloke chooses to ignore this guidance, well, he has that right but it would be a foolish bloke who knowingly transgresses the Code and commits a violation.
5.1. Size and shape. Any given shed shall ALWAYS be too small.
5.1.1. When a bloke, through force of circumstance, is obliged to suffer from a lack of an actual shed then an appropriate surrogate shed may be substituted. To that end a surrogate shed may be any given workspace or area not necessarily confined within four walls, including any and all of the following:-
5.1.1.1. a garage, 5.1.1.2. a workroom, 5.1.1.3. a patio/decking area (see Cautionary note under 5.1.1.5 below) 5.1.1.4. any other space wherein a bloke determines that shed-like activities shall be undertaken. 5.1.1.5.
Cautionary note – if a bloke co-opts a part or all of a patio for surrogate shed purposes, he shall thenceforth not use the term ‘patio’ to describe the area. The term ‘patio’ has chap-like connotations and is to be avoided within the context of this Code of Practice.
5.2. A place for everything and everything in its place.
5.2.1. It is a given that there is a place for everything and that everything shall be in its place. This is an immutable Law of Shed Physics. How would a bloke know where to find his double-ended sprocket adjuster (see para 6 Tools, sub para 6.2 – Collections, sub-sub para 6.2.1: ‘ …a tool that has no known practical use…’) if it is not put back in its proper place? However, the sole arbiter and judge of where that proper place is and should be is the bloke who owns the double-ended sprocket adjuster. The following section of the Code is intended to provide guidance on this vital matter.
5.2.2. A proper place, for the purposes of the Code, is wherever the bloke feels the tool should reside so he can find it again without difficulty. Re-arranging the positions and proper places for and of tools is an essential part of shed activity and is at least as important as standing and/or leaning and staring (see para 8: Standing and/or leaning and staring). The contents of a bloke’s shed are much like compost; they should be turned over frequently in order to function properly.
5.2.2.1. When a bloke puts something down in his shed he shall be able return to the shed after any period up to (insert period at discretion of said bloke) later and there it will be, right were he left it.
5.2.3. Fittings. Fittings are more permanently established items. The following is provided for guidance on fittings. Any item on the floor shall be considered a fitting and should be worked around and over, but never, ever, moved except when being put to its original purpose. When finished with, it is not to be put back in its original place; instead it shall be left in the closest free area wherein it is once again to be considered a fitting. This provision shall include any broken tools, lawnmowers, obscure blocks of wood and oddly shaped antique doodads that have no readily apparent use
5.3. Seating. There shall be only one stool or chair in the shed; that's all a bloke needs to ponder the whichness of the why... his mates will quite happily perch on a bench or convenient wood pile to finish their brew. Provision of more than one seat practically guarantees an
audience of the fairer sex.
5.4. Decoration. Decoration of a shed is very important as it expresses a bloke’s personality and character. Decoration of the shed can include but shall not be limited to: old number plates, tin signs, tool stickers, calendars, charts, photos, posters, drawings, coasters, cobwebs (see para 5.4 Cobwebs) old bottles, old cans, old jars, old footballs and other superannuated sporting paraphernalia (no self-respecting shed shall be entirely complete without a bent and twisted wooden-framed tennis or squash racquet with busted real-gut strings) & information leaflets on every conceivable subject known to Man.
5.4.1. Any person entering a bloke’s shed and referring to it and its contents as a “space” shall be ejected summarily from the shed and forthwith banned from ever entering it again. It’s not a bloody space – it’s a shed! (Wanker!)
5.5. Flat surfaces. All flat surfaces - no matter how narrow, wide or long – shall be deemed to be storage or work areas. This shall include but not be limited to lathes, machines (table saws etc), cabinets or tables being built and the mate’s car bonnet if he stays too long.
5.6. Cobwebs. Cobwebs are considered an important accessory in any shed. Here’s why: 5.6.1. The presence (in abundance) of cobwebs shows the shed is healthy (supports life forms apart from bacteria, mould and termites). 5.6.2. If the cobwebs are clearly visible (heaps of airborne dust particles) then a bloke’s lungs are also collecting this muck and said bloke needs a dust collector. An alternative is to use handtools for the benefits of exercise, the quality of finished work and reduction in airborne dust. 5.6.3. Cobwebs signify the presence of spiders which help keep the blow-fly population down in summer.
5.7. Warning signs.
5.7.1. A useful addition to the shed’s door is a sign on the door that says "If you hear machinery running do NOT tap me on the shoulder". Any bloke who is tapped on the shoulder whilst operating noisy machinery shall be henceforth and in consequence, held immune from prosecution for any resultant act of reflex violence, no matter how hideously unspeakable the result. 5.7.2. A good alternative to the above sign is a polite request, for example:-
5.7.2.1. KEEP OUT – This means you!, or 5.7.2.2. PRIVATE – Domain of the Bloke; or 5.7.2.3. BUGGER OFF!!
5.7.3. Old chlorine buckets shall be scattered around the place for off cuts and garbage. Each machine should have its own bin, handles are optional. Extra buckets shall be used for wood storage or makeshift shelving...
5.7.4. A 30m power lead shall be provided. The purpose of this accessory is to sit on a nail.
5.8. Junk. There is no such thing as junk. Throwing a broken Hills Hoist gearbox on the dump is not an option. It may one day be needed!
5.8.1. Local rules shall apply, and no discussion will be entered into.
Such things as: 5.8.1.1. Tools being used for tasks other than that which they were intended ie. old chisel for opening paint tins (It is recommended that it should be an old chisel (see para 4.3 - The purpose of tools and/or any specific tool.); 5.8.1.2. Radio station tuning changes according to day and time;
5.8.1.3. Choice of bevvie eg, beer in summer, plonk in winter (see para 8 - Standing and/or leaning and staring, sub para 8.3.6 - Blokely drinks) ; 5.8.1.4. Latest position for safety glasses; and 5.8.1.5. Use of wood bench for metal work and vice versa
shall be solely at the discretion of shed owner.
5.8.2. Accessories. A rotten semi-liquefied mouse residing in an ear muff. (Optional – not necessarily recommended but suggested as a useful illustration to be discussed loudly in the presence of a bloke’s life partner – thereby providing appropriate discouragement from entering the shed (the Domain of the Bloke).
5.9. Bench. No shed is complete without a bench.
5.9.1. A bloke’s bench can be purchased complete but it is recommended that a bloke build his own bench which can be any of the following:
5.9.1.1. An exquisitely designed, constructed, detailed and finished example at the very pinnacle of fine woodworking expertise.
5.9.1.2. An old and knackered door resting on a pair of trestles, nailed together with a miscellaneous collection of aging fasteners left over from the projects of yesteryear. 5.9.1.3. Any point along a line drawn between the above two extremes.
5.10. Cleaning and maintenance.
5.10.1. The bench should never be cleaned but should always be covered with something: screws, offcuts, tools, gobs of paint, glue and such. 5.10.2. The floor shall never be swept. The 2ft (610 mm) thick mat of sawdust, offcuts nails and screws is to be regarded as character building and shall be cleaned off to a depth of 1ft (305.4 mm) only upon loss of child, wife or other venturesome personage who should know better than to venture into the shed. 5.10.2.1. Safety advice: This is a distinct and definite safety measure. With a thick layer of sawdust and shavings on the floor of the shed, a bloke will be relaxed about the occasional unavoidable mishap when he drops an expensive chisel or hand plane. On the other hand, lack of a thick carpet of sawdust and shavings will make a bloke nervous, thereby increasing the likely incidence of dropping expensive sharp tools and the subsequent potentially serious injury caused by the bloke’s inevitable reflexive attempt to cushion the plane or chisel’s fall with his semi-naked, thong-clad foot (see para 9 – Blokely Attire, sub para 9.3.4 Footwear).
5.11. Visiting rights. A bloke, by virtue of his ownership of the shed (see para 3 Definitions, sub para 3.1 – Bloke and sub para 3.2 – Shed), shall have unlimited rights of visitation to said shed at any given time of day for any length of time regardless of anything else that may need to be done. A bloke exercising these visiting rights shall not be subject to questioning by others based upon his conducting blokely activities – eg, standing and/or leaning and staring (see para 8 – Standing and/or leaning and staring). 5.12. Hospitality. A bloke shall make provision for entertaining his mates. 5.12.1. All sheds shall contain at least one fridge for cold storage of beverages for visiting shed connoisseurs and wood butchers (see sub para 8.3.6 - Blokely drinks). 5.12.2. One stool only... bugger visitors, they’ve got bums and can sit on a log, bench, floor or whatever (see sub para 5.2 - Seating). 5.12.3. No shed shall be considered to have a full equipment inventory without a bottle-opener and a corkscrew.
5.12.3.1. Cautionary note: a bloke should be careful when selecting grog-related implements for the shed to adhere to basic principles and not to stray into the area of smartarsed chap-like devices.
5.12.4. Stubby holders. A bloke’s basic shed equipment shall contain several busted-arse stubby holders. It is not an absolute requirement that stubby holders in sheds shall be decorated with outrageously obscene messages and/or logos but it is considered desirable. 5.12.4.1. Shed visitors shall not be required to bring their own stubby holders but it shall be understood that if they do so, the said stubby holders will remain in the shed. It is an immutable Law of Shed Physics that a stubby holder, once it has crossed the threshold of a shed, becomes part of that shed’s equipment inventory. In this way, stubby holders continue to circulate – which is good for the economy.
5.12.5. Safety equipment. A bloke shall always have some spare safety equipment for visitors: eye, ear and nose protection as required. 5.12.5.1. Cautionary note for visitors: although a semi-liquefied, decomposing mouse or frog is not a compulsory accessory for an item of safety equipment in a bloke’s shed (see para 5.8 – Junk, sub-para 5.8.2 – Accessories), the prudent bloke will make sure that the mortal remains of any deceased rodents and/or amphibians are more likely to be found in rarely-used gear of the kind a visitor might wear than in his own more frequently employed kit. A bloke shall not be held responsible for the contents of a visitor’s ear should this provision lead to any unforeseen relocating of said deceased rodents and/or amphibians.
5.13. A Target. A shed shall contain a target. It does NOT have to be a regular round thing with a bullseye. (Picture of bloke’s MIL or Ex work just as well). The target shall:- 5.13.1. Be mounted in a suitable safe place somewhere within 6ft (1827 mm) of a bin. 5.13.2. Have a back board big enough to accommodate a bloke’s throwing skills. 5.13.3. Be used for snapped drill bits, stripped screws, farqups, balls of 2nd hand masking tape, off-cuts and twist tops from stubbies.
6. Tools 6.1. A bloke shall NEVER have enough tools. 6.1.1. This is particularly true of clamps. It is an inviolable Law of Shed Physics - known and understood by all blokes - that in any collection of clamps, no matter how large, there is always:- a) room for several more; and b) never enough of the right size and type for the given work in progress (WIP) (See para 7 – Work(s) In Progress (WIP).
6.2. Collections. Two or more of any type of item on a bench or shelf is a collection, or the start thereof. This includes any broken tools, bits of lawnmowers, old blocks of wood and oddly shaped antique doodads that have no readily apparent use. 6.2.1. A collection of tools should ideally contain something passed on from a previous generation and at least one example of a tool that has no known or immediately identifiable practical use. This provides visiting blokes with endless opportunities for fruitless speculation and displays of half-arsed non-expertise. It shall be considered inhospitable of a bloke to fail to equip his shed with an object of such abiding interest. 6.2.2. Sharpening. A vitally important part of tool care – sharpening of tools shall be conducted as follows: 6.2.2.1. A bloke shall use up every sharp tool in the shed including those not really appropriate to the task at hand, prior to sharpening any tool. The bloke will then
sharpen said tools only on an "as required" basis. 6.2.2.2. Tools shall be sharpened according to a given bloke’s needs, anywhere from the traditional ‘rough as guts’ to ‘edges meeting at single-molecule level’. Whichever standard of sharpness a bloke selects, he will test the sharpened tool’s efficiency by shaving off hairs from his forearm. Blokes who are discovered with sharp tools and a complete forearm-full of hair run the risk of being adjudged to have committed a Code violation.
6.3. Other blokes’ tools – Guidance on use and handling. (Important note: on the subject of lending and borrowing tools, please note that whether or not a bloke is prepared to lend his tools it is entirely his prerogative to determine. Whether or not he is prepared to lend you his tools may well depend upon how well you understand and follow these guidelines). 6.3.1. A bloke will always ask another bloke’s permission before handling any of the other bloke’s tools. 6.3.2. A bloke who picks up another bloke’s tool without asking permission and then either drops it or puts it down in a different position will have committed a Code violation. 6.3.3. A bloke will not make disparaging remarks about another bloke’s tools. 6.3.4. On the other hand, it is permissible to make boastful remarks about one’s own tools. 6.3.4.1. (Hint: The following line of dialogue may be useful: “That’s a nice (insert name of tool). (Pause) I’ve got the (insert description of superior example of same tool) version”.)
7. Work(s) In Progress (WIP) 7.1. Required quantum of works in progress (WIP). At any given point in time there shall be no less than 3 (three) works in progress (WIP). 7.1.1. If at any point in time there is any likelihood of the number of works in progress (WIP) dropping below this threshold owing to the impending completion of one of said works, all work is to stop and the thinking position (para 8 Standing and/or leaning and staring, sub-para 8.3 Techniques) shall be assumed for no less than 15 minutes whilst a new work in progress (WIP) is decided upon. This work must then be commenced, at least to the point of material being selected and sized, before work on any of the other works in progress (WIP) may be resumed. It is not acceptable to return to the original work in progress (WIP) until at least 3 more weekends have been consumed by other activities.
7.2. Major Works In Progress (WIP). There must be at least one major work (at least 100 man hours; or at least $100 worth of materials; or at least one expensive single use tool purchased solely for the construction of) which remains a work in progress (WIP) until the day a bloke is are carried from the shed with pennies on his eyes. 7.3. Cock-ups. There shall be at least one cock-up per work in progress (WIP). This is compulsory and unavoidable according to the Laws of Shed Physics. Realisation of the existence of the cock-up shall:- 7.3.1. Occur at any point from immediately after the commission of the cock-up to the point when a bloke spots it, having just completed the work in progress (WIP) and invited the rest of the family to admire it.
7.3.2. Result in a bloke needing to recite from memory certain key phrases of a blokely nature. 7.3.3. Require a bloke to determine a course of action chosen from the following:- 7.3.3.1. Hide it. 7.3.3.2. Claim it as an important design feature. 7.3.3.3. Ignore it (Not recommended – some smart@rse will spot it, for sure). 7.3.3.4. Expunge it by hurling the work in progress (WIP) at the target (see para 5 – The Shed, sub para 5.14 – A Target).
8. Standing and/or leaning and staring 8.1. A blokely activity. Standing and/or leaning and staring is a legitimate blokely activity and whilst its practice need not necessarily be confined to the shed or garden, it is recommended that a bloke does not engage in it too frequently outside these areas. Experience says that standing and/or leaning in areas outside the shed (the Domain of the Bloke) is likely to result in accusations that a bloke is doing nothing and may (usually does) lead to the bloke being commissioned to carry out some unblokely task. Note: On those occasions (hopefully few) when a bloke needs to leave the environs of the shed, he would be wise to wear a nail bag and have a blunt and half chewed chippy’s pencil behind his ear. Whilst away from the sanctity of the shed, if he needs to stand and/or lean and stare, he should do so in a purposeful manner. This may convince curious onlookers that he is gainfully occupied and hopefully deter any thoughts of commissioning the bloke to carry out an unblokely task. Further (and cautionary) note: Blokes should be aware that the wearing of nail bags, the aural deployment of half-chewed chippies’ pencils and the assuming of a purposeful manner are not, jointly and/or severally, proof against the tendency of some blokes’ life partners to issue inconvenient commissions for unblokely tasks. 8.2. Usefulness. Standing and/or leaning and staring is useful for the following legitimate purposes:- 8.2.1. Admiring: 8.2.1.1. Tools. 8.2.1.2. Piles of shavings and/or sawdust. 8.2.1.3. Work(s) in progress (see para. 7 above). 8.2.1.4. The shed fridge and/or its contents. 8.2.1.5. Pictures of any of the above.
8.2.2. Thinking about: 8.2.2.1. Tools. 8.2.2.2. Piles of shavings and/or sawdust. 8.2.2.3. Work(s) in progress (see para. 7 above) 8.2.2.4. The shed fridge and/or its contents. 8.2.2.5. Pictures of any of the above.
8.2.3. Not thinking at all.
8.3. Techniques. (All the following techniques can be employed as a ‘thinking position’ – see para 7 Work(s) in Progress, sub para 7.2). 8.3.1. Against the door jamb, gazing inwards. 8.3.2. Against the door jamb, gazing outwards. 8.3.3. Against the wall, gazing at the floor, bench or roof.
8.3.4. Against the bench, gazing at tool(s), work(s) in progress and/or collection (of licence plates, shavings, sawdust, wood stack, disassembled power tool, hand tool et al). 8.3.5. Note: All these techniques may be augmented and supplemented by the holding and/or consumption of a blokely drink (see sub-para 8.3.6 - Blokely drinks below). 8.3.6. Blokely drinks. Consumption of a blokely drink is recommended as a supplementary activity when engaging in standing and/or leaning and staring. The drink will augment and enhance the experience. However, it is a strict provision of the Code of Practice that the drink should be a blokely drink, as defined herein:- 8.3.6.1. Beer. 8.3.6.2. Red wine. 8.3.6.3. Coffee 8.3.6.4. Tea 8.3.6.5. Water. 8.3.6.6. Port. 8.3.6.7. Anything that you can ignite or that makes your eyes water.
8.3.7. Chaps’ drinks. Some types of drink can best be defined as chaps’ drinks. Nothing wrong with that of course, however, these need to be defined because there are some narrowly-defined circumstances wherein a bloke may legitimately consume a chap’s drink without committing a Code violation (see sub-para - 8.3.8 Exemptions below). Chaps’ drinks, as defined, include but are not limited to:- 8.3.7.1. White wine. 8.3.7.2. Gin and tonic. 8.3.7.3. Sherry. 8.3.7.4. Drinks containing bubbles.
8.3.8. Exemptions. A bloke may consume a chap’s drink in or near his or a mate’s shed without committing a Code violation under the following circumstances:- 8.3.8.1. When a medical condition exists that precludes him from consuming a listed blokely drink. 8.3.8.2. When either he or a mate has made the appalling error of failing to stock up on blokely drinks and there’s nothing else available. (However, see sub-para 8.3.10 – Code Violations re Drinks) 8.3.8.3. When the white wine or drink containing bubbles is a really good one and a bloke doesn’t want to miss out.
8.3.9. Proscribed drinks. The following drinks shall not be consumed by blokes in or near sheds: 8.3.9.1. Any drink containing cherries. 8.3.9.2. Any drink with little umbrellas. 8.3.9.3. Any drink with an abundance of fruit and/or vegetables. 8.3.9.4. Any drink that might inspire a bloke’s life partner to make that noise they make when they see something cute, like a baby.
8.3.10. Code Violations re Drinks. A bloke shall have committed a Code violation when he:- 8.3.10.1. Consumes a proscribed drink in or near his or a mate’s shed. 8.3.10.2. Makes the appalling error of failing to stock up on blokely drinks twice in succession (I mean, once is just a mistake but twice? C’mon!)
8.3.10.3. Pretends to have a medical condition just so he can indulge in a secret chap-like urge to sip on a gin and tonic or a dry sherry.
9. Blokely Attire 9.1. Whilst in, near and around his shed and/or when engaged in activities in connection with his shed (eg, nicking off to the hardware store to buy more toys tools), a bloke shall wear blokely attire (also known as clothes, gear and kit). 9.2. The different demands of climate, season, safety and whether or not his life partner can see him when he makes his move between shed and hardware store shall determine what a bloke can get away with wear in, near, around and in connection with his shed. It should, however, also be noted that a bloke is entirely in control of all shed-related issues, including attire (see para 3 – Definitions (in its entirety) and para 4 – Purposes, sub para 4.2 – The purpose of a shed). The following sections are intended to provide guidance. 9.3. General guidelines. In general, a bloke’s shed attire shall be comfortable. It cannot be stressed too highly that a bloke who is uncomfortably dressed cannot be a happy bloke. A bloke who is unhappy in his shed is in danger of committing a Code violation (see para 4 – Purposes, sub para 4.2 – The purpose of a shed). Comfortable blokely attire is therefore a fundamental requirement. (Note: Occasional brief bouts of unhappiness in the shed are unavoidable but these should be confined to the periods just after a bloke discovers he has made the compulsory cock-up (see para 7 – Work(s) In Progress (WIP), sub para 7.4 – Cock-ups) and just before he works out how the cock-up can be rectified, hidden, explained away as a design feature, ignored or expunged by hurling the offending object at the target (see para 5 – The Shed, sub para 5.13 – A Target). 9.3.1. Bagginess. A certain stylish bagginess to accommodate a bloke’s blokely stature is recommended. This is particularly important in, for example, the fit of a bloke’s strides and/or shorts. Bagginess permits a healthy circulation of air, providing cooling in hot weather and the benefits of insulation during the cooler months. 9.3.1.1. Note: old tracksuit pants (aka tracky daks) are particularly well-suited to meet the Code’s recommendations on bagginess.
9.3.2. Those dust coat things that woodwork and metalwork teachers used to wear make ideal blokely attire in the shed. One of these will give a bloke an air of technical competence – even when this is entirely inappropriate to the demonstrated skill level of the said bloke. 9.3.2.1. It is recommended, notwithstanding the strictures of para 9.3.4 – Colour, that a bloke who elects to wear one of these blokely garments, should select said garment in khaki, jungle green or that reliable standby, dark blue. White is to be avoided, especially for blokes with a limp, who might otherwise be mistaken for car park attendants. (For the same reason, blokes should avoid a sharp intake of breath followed by the phrase: ‘You can’t do that ‘ere, mate’).
9.3.3. Aprons. Whether or not a bloke chooses to wear an apron shall be at his own discretion. If he does so choose then he should exercise great care in selecting an appropriately blokely apron. 9.3.3.1. Leather aprons are very useful when carrying out boilermaker work. (Not, however, the kind of leather apron that might be found in the more ‘adult’ type of retail outlet).
9.3.4. Holes. Holes in a bloke’s blokely attire are not compulsory but they are a beneficial option (see sub para 9.3.1 re healthy circulation of air).
9.3.5. Colour. Colours and varying combinations thereof are entirely at a bloke’s choosing. The following guidelines are provided to help a bloke make appropriate choices:- 9.3.5.1. It is recommended that the base colour of a given garment shall be several shades lighter than its original colour. 9.3.5.2. Randomly-placed highlights of different shades of paint, glue, varnish, oil, grease, food and drink ingredients etc, lend a bloke’s blokely attire a certain air of casual but experienced blokeliness. 9.3.5.3. Footy club colours are not only acceptable but are actually recommended. However a bloke should try hard to avoid wearing the colours of more than one team from the same footy code. Failure to observe this provision shall not constitute a Code violation but it might lead to a bloke developing a multiple personality disorder. 9.3.5.4. Pink. Pink shall not be worn as a base colour for any garment unless said garment was originally demonstrably and obviously a bright red when purchased. 9.3.5.5. A bloke shall commit a Code violation if he wears a garment in a colour that bears the same name as any variety of fruit.
9.3.6. Footwear. A bloke is entirely free to choose any type and style of footwear from the wide range available from fully destruction-tested safety boots all the way to thongs. Guidelines:- 9.3.6.1. Preference shall be given to footwear that would render dancing difficult (hence, boots, thongs etc). 9.3.6.2. Blokes who elect to wear manky uggboots with judiciously applied patches of gaffer tape trim run little risk of offending against the provisions of this Code of Practice. 9.3.6.3. If thongs are chosen then they shall be double-pluggers and made from rubber. Those international lounge-lizard leather jobbies are to be avoided. 9.3.6.4. White shoes (unless they are weathered and paint-spattered Dunlop Volleys) are not at home in the shed. 9.3.6.5. Socks shall not be worn with sandals unless a bloke can produce conclusive proof that he was born in Her Britannic Majesty’s sceptered isle (aka The Old Dart).
9.3.7. Headgear. What a bloke chooses to place upon his scone is and must remain a matter of personal choice. General principles with regard to comfort (sub para 9.3), holes (sub para 9.3.2) and colour (sub para 9.3.3) should be observed, of course. Whilst it is not within the ambit of this Code to show partisan preference, the bloke who chooses a UBeaut cap, with or without the Foily option, will not go wrong. 9.3.8. Prohibited attire The following items are prohibited. A bloke wearing any of these in, near, around or in connection with his shed shall have committed a Code violation. 9.3.8.1. Neckties. (In a shed? – C’mon!). 9.3.8.2. Scarves. Note: A bandanna is not a scarf. Bandannas are by definition blokely attire. Scarves are worn by chaps. 9.3.8.3. Berets. (Unless the beret in question is demonstrably part of a bloke’s old uniform from when he was a member of his country’s armed services). Note: Specifically banned, prohibited and proscribed are those floppy berets worn by the type of people who would commit the appalling transgression of referring to a shed as ‘a space’. A bloke caught wearing such a floppy beret will be deemed to have committed a gross Code violation. 9.3.8.4. Any item of apparel that would meet with approval from a bloke’s life partner if the bloke were escorting her to a formal or even semi-formal social event.
10. Inter-Bloke Communications When more than one bloke is in, near, around and in connection with a shed, it is imperative that certain protocols and conventions are observed in the area of inter-bloke communication. These include, but are not confined to:- 10.1. Greetings. When a bloke’s mate arrives at the shed the inter-bloke greetings shall be restricted to a brief formal exchange of the time of day and information regarding the current relative health of the said blokes. The recommended convention is as follows: Bloke #1: “G’day. Goan?” Bloke #2: “Good. ‘Self?” Bloke #1: “Yair”. Ritual acknowledgement of the formalities in the form of a barely perceptible nod of the head is also permitted but is not compulsory and may be omitted without risk of a Code violation. 10.2. Physical contact. A bloke shall not make physical contact with another bloke whilst in the shed except in the following narrowly-defined circumstances:- 10.2.1. inadvertent contact during the passing of a tool or beverage. 10.2.2. when first meeting a new bloke - a brief and blokely handshake is permitted. 10.2.3. in a medical emergency and then only by suitably qualified paramedics. All other blokes present will stand to one side and confine their communications to appropriate commentary regarding:- 10.2.3.1. the patient’s tackle (size and relative limpness thereof); 10.2.3.2. marital status of the patient’s parents’ (legitimacy of same); 10.2.3.3. the patient’s wrist-rigidity relative to the mass of the patient’s handbag/purse and consequent capacity to swing same.
10.3. Blokely terms. In the area of Inter-Bloke Communication, there is occasionally some confusion about how a bloke should refer to and address another bloke or other blokes. This section of the Code is intended to provide guidance and to help a bloke avoid any embarrassing breaches of blokely ethics. 10.3.1. When addressing another bloke, a bloke is recommended to use the following blokely terms:- 10.3.1.1. Mate. 10.3.1.2. Pal (but see Note below). 10.3.1.3. Son (but see Note below). 10.3.1.4. Bloke. 10.3.1.5. Cobber (or Cob) – slightly dated but entirely acceptable. Note: Pal can be usefully employed to add weight to a blokely query, eg: “What are you going to use for a face when the monkey wants its arse back, pal?” Note how the query has more gravitas and emphasis with the addition of this particular blokely term. Note: Son is obviously most properly employed by a bloke when addressing one of his own descendants but it is possible to employ the term effectively when delivering advice and guidance to non-family members, eg: “You need to take a long, hard look at yourself, son”. (See Appendix B – Blokeness Quotient).
10.3.2. When addressing another bloke, a bloke is recommended to avoid the following terms - some of which are chaps’ terms:- 10.3.2.1. Chum. 10.3.2.2. Matey (it’s patronizing and is only used by boofheads).
10.3.2.3. Sonny (the male equivalent of ‘girly’. Try using that one nowadays and cop the reaction!) 10.3.2.4. Buddy (an Americanism. It’s on the margin of acceptability but cannot strictly be regarded as a blokely term). 10.3.2.5. Old chap (an obvious chaps’ term). 10.3.2.6. Man. (see 10.3.2.4 and be aware of the term’s association with certain inhaled substances).
10.3.3. A bloke will commit a serious Code violation if he commits the appalling blunder of addressing a bloke or blokes using any of the following terms:- 10.3.3.1. Chappy/Chappies. 10.3.3.2. You there. 10.3.3.3. You people. 10.3.3.4. Men (the only time this has ever been an even marginally acceptable way to address other blokes is when a military officer – preferably of field rank – is about to lead his troops into battle. And even then You Blokes would be preferable).
10.3.4. Addressing groups of blokes. In a formal or semi-formal situation, a bloke may address a group of other blokes using the following recommended terms:- 10.3.4.1. Youse blokes. Widely applicable and recommended. 10.3.4.2. Gents. More applicable in the semi-formal or formal situation than 10.3.4.1. Only ever used in the vocative case and never in the nominative. The following example is recommended usage: “OK gents. Bit of quiet thanks. Anyone needing a break please use The Gents. Thanks gents.” 10.3.4.3. Ladies. 10.3.4.4. Girls. Note: The latter two terms can be used inter-changeably when addressing any group of blokes but are probably most effectively deployed when addressing members of a rival institution: another sporting team or woodworking club, for example.
Appendix A
Rules of Blokeness
(Note, these Rules are provided in the context of the Code of Practice for persons who are not blokes so that they may better understand blokes. It is, of course, a given that blokes already understand these Rules and have no cause to refer to them – except, perhaps, so they may quote them verbatim when any need arises).
1. Under no circumstances may two blokes share an umbrella. 2. It is OK for a bloke to cry under the following circumstances: a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master. b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse. c) After wrecking your boss's car. d) One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game". e) When she is using her teeth
3. Any bloke who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and eaten by his mates. 4. Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a mate out of jail within 12 hours. 5. If you've known a bloke for more than 24 hours, his sister is off-limits forever, unless you actually marry her. 6. Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden. Complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable. 7. No bloke shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another bloke. In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is questionable behaviour. 8. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest. 9. When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing. 10. You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend. 11. It is permissible to quaff a fruity alcopop drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach - and... it's delivered by a topless supermodel - and... it's free. 12. Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another bloke in the nuts. 13. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked. 14. Mates don't let mates wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed. 15. If another bloke’s fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything. 16. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game (ie, can explain offside or LBW) and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.
17. A bloke in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight. 18. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both - that's just mean. 19. If you compliment a bloke on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer. 20. Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a mate of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response. 21. Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another bloke while lifting weights: a. Yeah, Baby, Push it! b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder! c. Another set and we can hit the showers!
22. Never talk to a bloke in the Gents unless you are on equal footing: i.e. both urinating; both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need. 23. Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary. 24. The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to nail her again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was. 25. It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours. 26. Thou shalt not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.
27. The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox/PS2. End of story. 28. There is no reason for blokes to watch Ice Skating or Men’s Gymnastics. Ever.
Appendix B
Blokeness Quotient: It is a given that a bloke knows he is a bloke. Anyone who doubts his own blokeness is, by definition, not a bloke. He may be a chap, a fellow etc, and he may be a perfectly decent example of one of those species but he’s not a bloke.
However, there are degrees of blokeness. Measured tightly within very fine margins, it is possible to determine the degree of a bloke’s blokeness.
To that end, the following scientifically-designed quiz will help any bloke to measure his own blokeness quotient.
It is recommended that a bloke takes the quiz alone and in private. Upon achieving a successful result, it is permissible for a bloke to give voice to a muted yell of triumph followed by a celebratory blokely drink. In circumstances of a less than successful result ……well, that’s not going to happen, is it?
The Blokeness Quotient Quiz:
1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You decide to:
a. Present it to the Prime Minister.
b. Present it to the Secretary General of the United Nations.
c. Take it apart.
2. As you grow older, what is it about your lost youth that you miss the most?
a. Innocence.
b. Idealism.
c. Those little fart machines made out of cardboard, metal washers & elastic bands.
3. When is it okay to kiss another male?
a. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions.
b. When he is the Pope. (Not on the lips.)
c. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have to have him killed.
4. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:
a. A cat.
b. A dog.
c. A dog that eats cats.
5. You have been seeing a woman for several years. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy - you're watching a football game; she's reading the papers - when suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, she tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together. What do
you say?
a. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don't want to rush it.
b. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
c. That you cannot believe Mick Malthouse burst into tears at the end of the Grand Final in 2003.
6. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her. How do you tell her?
a. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
b. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing through her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.
c. Tell her what?
7. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is:
a. "Do they need to eat or anything?"
b. "They're in school already?"
c. "There are three of them?"
8. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land?
a. He was being tested.
b. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally got there.
c. He refused to ask directions.
9. What is the human race's single greatest achievement?
a. Democracy.
b. Religion.
c. Beer.
Give yourself points for each answer as follows:-
a = 1, b = 2, c = 3.
Ratings:-
24 – 27 points: Maaate!
15 – 23 points: You need to take a long hard look at yourself, son!
9 – 14 points: Poofter!
Appendix C
The following is provided as a service for blokes who are confronted with unreasonable, illogical and generally PITA female demands to behave differently. We recommend that blokes run off several photocopies of this Appendix and have them available to be handed out as necessary.
Because I Am A Bloke
• Because I'm a bloke, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in. The RAC is not an option. I will win.
• Because I'm a bloke, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the bonnet and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another bloke shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink beer and break wind as a form of Holy Communion.
• Because I'm a bloke, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't a problem.
• Because I'm a bloke, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism. (FYI fellas: cumin is a spice, apparently, and not a bodily function).
• Because I'm a bloke, when one of our appliances stops working I will insist on taking it apart despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
• Because I'm a bloke, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator).....applies to engineers mainly.
• Because I'm a bloke, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always sex, cars, or football. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't ask.
• Because I'm a bloke, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come and visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too.
• Because I'm a bloke, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't....and if you are feeling amorous afterwards...then I will certainly remember the name and recommend it to others.
• Because I'm a bloke, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
• Because I'm a bloke, and this is, after all, the year (insert year), I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest...... like wandering around in the garden with a beer wondering what to do.
This has been a public service message for Women to better understand the Bloke.
Appendix D
Acknowledgements
The Drafting Committee
The following members of the UBeaut Woodworking Australia Woodworking Forums have contributed their ideas and debating skills to the drafting of this Code of Practice.
Andy Mac Ashore Bluegum BobL
Bodgy Bookend Cliff Rogers Dan
Dan P doug the slug Driver echnidna
Glenn M Harry 72 Ian 007 JDub
jmk89 MarkW Mkb Robbo
rufflyrustic Scooter silentC SkewChiDAMN!!
Waldo Wild Dingo Wongo Wood Borer
Zed
Source Material
The Drafting Committee is grateful to the various anonymous creative minds that provided the brilliant original work on the following:-
Appendix A – Rules of Blokeness.
Appendix B – Blokeness Quotient.
Appendix C – Because I Am A Bloke. These important documents have been circulating as emails for some years. The Drafting Committee is proud to have an opportunity to include them here and to acknowledge their original creators – even though the nature of generally distributed emails makes it impossible for that acknowledgement to be anything other than anonymous.
Anyway to cheer us all up a mate out in Oz sent these "shed rules" more wood butcher biased than rust collectors like us- but relevant all the same! enjoy
The Code of Practice.
Index
Paragraph
Subject
Page
Paragraph 1
Scope
3
Paragraph 2
Drafting Committee
3
Paragraph 3
Definitions
3
Paragraph 4
Purposes
3
Paragraph 5
The Shed
4
Paragraph 6
Tools
6
Paragraph 7
Work(s) in Progress
7
Paragraph 8
Standing and/or leaning and staring
7
Paragraph 9
Blokely Attire
9
Paragraph 10
Inter-Bloke Communications
11
Appendix A
Rules of Blokeness
12
Appendix B
Blokeness Quotient
14
Appendix C
‘Because I am a Bloke’
16
Appendix D
Acknowledgements & Source Material
17
The Code of Practice.
1. Scope The Code of Practice concerns blokes, sheds and tools - and what blokes do in sheds with tools.
2. Drafting Committee This Code of Practice has been drawn up by members of the UBeaut Woodworking Australia Woodwork Forums – a nationwide body of experts whose collective experience, sagacity, strength, breadth, scope and depth of knowledge would be sufficient, if it were ever assembled in one place, to rival the combined erudition of the Library of Alexandria, the Smithsonian Institute, the Royal Society and the front bar of the Cowcockies’ Arms after the footy.
3. Definitions: For the purposes of the Code of Practice, the following definitions apply: 3.1. Bloke – a bloke is the owner, occupier and user of his shed. For further elucidation, refer to: Appendix A – Rules of Blokeness, Appendix B – Blokeness Quotient and Appendix C – Because I Am A Bloke.
3.2. Shed – a shed is the domain, demesne and realm of a bloke.
3.3. Tools – tools are things used by blokes in, near, around and in connection with sheds.
3.3.1. With respect to tools and/or sheds, a bloke shall determine what defines the terms: ‘in’, ‘near’, ‘around’ and ‘in connection with’ for purposes connected with his shed (see 3.2 The purpose of a shed).
4. Purposes
4.1. The purpose of the Code of Practice. The purpose of the Code of Practice is to determine and define those things that are important to blokes in the context of sheds and tools; to circumscribe the behaviour of blokes and, equally importantly, other people when in or near the shed or when using, looking at, handling and/or thinking about, tools.
4.2. The purpose of a shed. The purpose of a shed is to provide an environment and territory wherein a bloke has total and complete dominion and control and is therefore happy.
4.3. The purpose of tools and/or any specific tool. The purpose of tools and/or any specific tool lies entirely within the control of a given bloke. It’s his tool, he can do what he likes with it. If, for example, he elects to use one of his Iyoroi dovetail paring chisels to open a paint can, that’s up to him. He’s a complete boofhead but it’s his chisel (bloody drongo!). If, on the other hand, a bloke elects to use someone else’s Iyoroi dovetail paring chisel to open a paint can, he shall, within the context of this Code of Practice not just be a complete boofhead, he shall also be guilty of a major violation of this Code of Practice and, in consequence, shall be subject to loss of his blokeness status. For further information and guidance, see below under para.
6 Tools – sub para. 6.3 Other bloke’s tools, guidance on use and handling.
5. The Shed What a bloke does in his shed is up to him (see para 3 – Definitions, sub para 3.2 – Shed and para 4 – Purposes, sub para 4.2 – The purpose of a shed).
It is clear from these important sections of the Code of Practice that a bloke has complete control over all activities within his own shed. This is inviolable. However, the Code is designed to provide appropriate guidance (see para 1 – Scope). What follows in this section is intended to provide a bloke with some clear guidance. If a bloke chooses to ignore this guidance, well, he has that right but it would be a foolish bloke who knowingly transgresses the Code and commits a violation.
5.1. Size and shape. Any given shed shall ALWAYS be too small.
5.1.1. When a bloke, through force of circumstance, is obliged to suffer from a lack of an actual shed then an appropriate surrogate shed may be substituted. To that end a surrogate shed may be any given workspace or area not necessarily confined within four walls, including any and all of the following:-
5.1.1.1. a garage, 5.1.1.2. a workroom, 5.1.1.3. a patio/decking area (see Cautionary note under 5.1.1.5 below) 5.1.1.4. any other space wherein a bloke determines that shed-like activities shall be undertaken. 5.1.1.5.
Cautionary note – if a bloke co-opts a part or all of a patio for surrogate shed purposes, he shall thenceforth not use the term ‘patio’ to describe the area. The term ‘patio’ has chap-like connotations and is to be avoided within the context of this Code of Practice.
5.2. A place for everything and everything in its place.
5.2.1. It is a given that there is a place for everything and that everything shall be in its place. This is an immutable Law of Shed Physics. How would a bloke know where to find his double-ended sprocket adjuster (see para 6 Tools, sub para 6.2 – Collections, sub-sub para 6.2.1: ‘ …a tool that has no known practical use…’) if it is not put back in its proper place? However, the sole arbiter and judge of where that proper place is and should be is the bloke who owns the double-ended sprocket adjuster. The following section of the Code is intended to provide guidance on this vital matter.
5.2.2. A proper place, for the purposes of the Code, is wherever the bloke feels the tool should reside so he can find it again without difficulty. Re-arranging the positions and proper places for and of tools is an essential part of shed activity and is at least as important as standing and/or leaning and staring (see para 8: Standing and/or leaning and staring). The contents of a bloke’s shed are much like compost; they should be turned over frequently in order to function properly.
5.2.2.1. When a bloke puts something down in his shed he shall be able return to the shed after any period up to (insert period at discretion of said bloke) later and there it will be, right were he left it.
5.2.3. Fittings. Fittings are more permanently established items. The following is provided for guidance on fittings. Any item on the floor shall be considered a fitting and should be worked around and over, but never, ever, moved except when being put to its original purpose. When finished with, it is not to be put back in its original place; instead it shall be left in the closest free area wherein it is once again to be considered a fitting. This provision shall include any broken tools, lawnmowers, obscure blocks of wood and oddly shaped antique doodads that have no readily apparent use
5.3. Seating. There shall be only one stool or chair in the shed; that's all a bloke needs to ponder the whichness of the why... his mates will quite happily perch on a bench or convenient wood pile to finish their brew. Provision of more than one seat practically guarantees an
audience of the fairer sex.
5.4. Decoration. Decoration of a shed is very important as it expresses a bloke’s personality and character. Decoration of the shed can include but shall not be limited to: old number plates, tin signs, tool stickers, calendars, charts, photos, posters, drawings, coasters, cobwebs (see para 5.4 Cobwebs) old bottles, old cans, old jars, old footballs and other superannuated sporting paraphernalia (no self-respecting shed shall be entirely complete without a bent and twisted wooden-framed tennis or squash racquet with busted real-gut strings) & information leaflets on every conceivable subject known to Man.
5.4.1. Any person entering a bloke’s shed and referring to it and its contents as a “space” shall be ejected summarily from the shed and forthwith banned from ever entering it again. It’s not a bloody space – it’s a shed! (Wanker!)
5.5. Flat surfaces. All flat surfaces - no matter how narrow, wide or long – shall be deemed to be storage or work areas. This shall include but not be limited to lathes, machines (table saws etc), cabinets or tables being built and the mate’s car bonnet if he stays too long.
5.6. Cobwebs. Cobwebs are considered an important accessory in any shed. Here’s why: 5.6.1. The presence (in abundance) of cobwebs shows the shed is healthy (supports life forms apart from bacteria, mould and termites). 5.6.2. If the cobwebs are clearly visible (heaps of airborne dust particles) then a bloke’s lungs are also collecting this muck and said bloke needs a dust collector. An alternative is to use handtools for the benefits of exercise, the quality of finished work and reduction in airborne dust. 5.6.3. Cobwebs signify the presence of spiders which help keep the blow-fly population down in summer.
5.7. Warning signs.
5.7.1. A useful addition to the shed’s door is a sign on the door that says "If you hear machinery running do NOT tap me on the shoulder". Any bloke who is tapped on the shoulder whilst operating noisy machinery shall be henceforth and in consequence, held immune from prosecution for any resultant act of reflex violence, no matter how hideously unspeakable the result. 5.7.2. A good alternative to the above sign is a polite request, for example:-
5.7.2.1. KEEP OUT – This means you!, or 5.7.2.2. PRIVATE – Domain of the Bloke; or 5.7.2.3. BUGGER OFF!!
5.7.3. Old chlorine buckets shall be scattered around the place for off cuts and garbage. Each machine should have its own bin, handles are optional. Extra buckets shall be used for wood storage or makeshift shelving...
5.7.4. A 30m power lead shall be provided. The purpose of this accessory is to sit on a nail.
5.8. Junk. There is no such thing as junk. Throwing a broken Hills Hoist gearbox on the dump is not an option. It may one day be needed!
5.8.1. Local rules shall apply, and no discussion will be entered into.
Such things as: 5.8.1.1. Tools being used for tasks other than that which they were intended ie. old chisel for opening paint tins (It is recommended that it should be an old chisel (see para 4.3 - The purpose of tools and/or any specific tool.); 5.8.1.2. Radio station tuning changes according to day and time;
5.8.1.3. Choice of bevvie eg, beer in summer, plonk in winter (see para 8 - Standing and/or leaning and staring, sub para 8.3.6 - Blokely drinks) ; 5.8.1.4. Latest position for safety glasses; and 5.8.1.5. Use of wood bench for metal work and vice versa
shall be solely at the discretion of shed owner.
5.8.2. Accessories. A rotten semi-liquefied mouse residing in an ear muff. (Optional – not necessarily recommended but suggested as a useful illustration to be discussed loudly in the presence of a bloke’s life partner – thereby providing appropriate discouragement from entering the shed (the Domain of the Bloke).
5.9. Bench. No shed is complete without a bench.
5.9.1. A bloke’s bench can be purchased complete but it is recommended that a bloke build his own bench which can be any of the following:
5.9.1.1. An exquisitely designed, constructed, detailed and finished example at the very pinnacle of fine woodworking expertise.
5.9.1.2. An old and knackered door resting on a pair of trestles, nailed together with a miscellaneous collection of aging fasteners left over from the projects of yesteryear. 5.9.1.3. Any point along a line drawn between the above two extremes.
5.10. Cleaning and maintenance.
5.10.1. The bench should never be cleaned but should always be covered with something: screws, offcuts, tools, gobs of paint, glue and such. 5.10.2. The floor shall never be swept. The 2ft (610 mm) thick mat of sawdust, offcuts nails and screws is to be regarded as character building and shall be cleaned off to a depth of 1ft (305.4 mm) only upon loss of child, wife or other venturesome personage who should know better than to venture into the shed. 5.10.2.1. Safety advice: This is a distinct and definite safety measure. With a thick layer of sawdust and shavings on the floor of the shed, a bloke will be relaxed about the occasional unavoidable mishap when he drops an expensive chisel or hand plane. On the other hand, lack of a thick carpet of sawdust and shavings will make a bloke nervous, thereby increasing the likely incidence of dropping expensive sharp tools and the subsequent potentially serious injury caused by the bloke’s inevitable reflexive attempt to cushion the plane or chisel’s fall with his semi-naked, thong-clad foot (see para 9 – Blokely Attire, sub para 9.3.4 Footwear).
5.11. Visiting rights. A bloke, by virtue of his ownership of the shed (see para 3 Definitions, sub para 3.1 – Bloke and sub para 3.2 – Shed), shall have unlimited rights of visitation to said shed at any given time of day for any length of time regardless of anything else that may need to be done. A bloke exercising these visiting rights shall not be subject to questioning by others based upon his conducting blokely activities – eg, standing and/or leaning and staring (see para 8 – Standing and/or leaning and staring). 5.12. Hospitality. A bloke shall make provision for entertaining his mates. 5.12.1. All sheds shall contain at least one fridge for cold storage of beverages for visiting shed connoisseurs and wood butchers (see sub para 8.3.6 - Blokely drinks). 5.12.2. One stool only... bugger visitors, they’ve got bums and can sit on a log, bench, floor or whatever (see sub para 5.2 - Seating). 5.12.3. No shed shall be considered to have a full equipment inventory without a bottle-opener and a corkscrew.
5.12.3.1. Cautionary note: a bloke should be careful when selecting grog-related implements for the shed to adhere to basic principles and not to stray into the area of smartarsed chap-like devices.
5.12.4. Stubby holders. A bloke’s basic shed equipment shall contain several busted-arse stubby holders. It is not an absolute requirement that stubby holders in sheds shall be decorated with outrageously obscene messages and/or logos but it is considered desirable. 5.12.4.1. Shed visitors shall not be required to bring their own stubby holders but it shall be understood that if they do so, the said stubby holders will remain in the shed. It is an immutable Law of Shed Physics that a stubby holder, once it has crossed the threshold of a shed, becomes part of that shed’s equipment inventory. In this way, stubby holders continue to circulate – which is good for the economy.
5.12.5. Safety equipment. A bloke shall always have some spare safety equipment for visitors: eye, ear and nose protection as required. 5.12.5.1. Cautionary note for visitors: although a semi-liquefied, decomposing mouse or frog is not a compulsory accessory for an item of safety equipment in a bloke’s shed (see para 5.8 – Junk, sub-para 5.8.2 – Accessories), the prudent bloke will make sure that the mortal remains of any deceased rodents and/or amphibians are more likely to be found in rarely-used gear of the kind a visitor might wear than in his own more frequently employed kit. A bloke shall not be held responsible for the contents of a visitor’s ear should this provision lead to any unforeseen relocating of said deceased rodents and/or amphibians.
5.13. A Target. A shed shall contain a target. It does NOT have to be a regular round thing with a bullseye. (Picture of bloke’s MIL or Ex work just as well). The target shall:- 5.13.1. Be mounted in a suitable safe place somewhere within 6ft (1827 mm) of a bin. 5.13.2. Have a back board big enough to accommodate a bloke’s throwing skills. 5.13.3. Be used for snapped drill bits, stripped screws, farqups, balls of 2nd hand masking tape, off-cuts and twist tops from stubbies.
6. Tools 6.1. A bloke shall NEVER have enough tools. 6.1.1. This is particularly true of clamps. It is an inviolable Law of Shed Physics - known and understood by all blokes - that in any collection of clamps, no matter how large, there is always:- a) room for several more; and b) never enough of the right size and type for the given work in progress (WIP) (See para 7 – Work(s) In Progress (WIP).
6.2. Collections. Two or more of any type of item on a bench or shelf is a collection, or the start thereof. This includes any broken tools, bits of lawnmowers, old blocks of wood and oddly shaped antique doodads that have no readily apparent use. 6.2.1. A collection of tools should ideally contain something passed on from a previous generation and at least one example of a tool that has no known or immediately identifiable practical use. This provides visiting blokes with endless opportunities for fruitless speculation and displays of half-arsed non-expertise. It shall be considered inhospitable of a bloke to fail to equip his shed with an object of such abiding interest. 6.2.2. Sharpening. A vitally important part of tool care – sharpening of tools shall be conducted as follows: 6.2.2.1. A bloke shall use up every sharp tool in the shed including those not really appropriate to the task at hand, prior to sharpening any tool. The bloke will then
sharpen said tools only on an "as required" basis. 6.2.2.2. Tools shall be sharpened according to a given bloke’s needs, anywhere from the traditional ‘rough as guts’ to ‘edges meeting at single-molecule level’. Whichever standard of sharpness a bloke selects, he will test the sharpened tool’s efficiency by shaving off hairs from his forearm. Blokes who are discovered with sharp tools and a complete forearm-full of hair run the risk of being adjudged to have committed a Code violation.
6.3. Other blokes’ tools – Guidance on use and handling. (Important note: on the subject of lending and borrowing tools, please note that whether or not a bloke is prepared to lend his tools it is entirely his prerogative to determine. Whether or not he is prepared to lend you his tools may well depend upon how well you understand and follow these guidelines). 6.3.1. A bloke will always ask another bloke’s permission before handling any of the other bloke’s tools. 6.3.2. A bloke who picks up another bloke’s tool without asking permission and then either drops it or puts it down in a different position will have committed a Code violation. 6.3.3. A bloke will not make disparaging remarks about another bloke’s tools. 6.3.4. On the other hand, it is permissible to make boastful remarks about one’s own tools. 6.3.4.1. (Hint: The following line of dialogue may be useful: “That’s a nice (insert name of tool). (Pause) I’ve got the (insert description of superior example of same tool) version”.)
7. Work(s) In Progress (WIP) 7.1. Required quantum of works in progress (WIP). At any given point in time there shall be no less than 3 (three) works in progress (WIP). 7.1.1. If at any point in time there is any likelihood of the number of works in progress (WIP) dropping below this threshold owing to the impending completion of one of said works, all work is to stop and the thinking position (para 8 Standing and/or leaning and staring, sub-para 8.3 Techniques) shall be assumed for no less than 15 minutes whilst a new work in progress (WIP) is decided upon. This work must then be commenced, at least to the point of material being selected and sized, before work on any of the other works in progress (WIP) may be resumed. It is not acceptable to return to the original work in progress (WIP) until at least 3 more weekends have been consumed by other activities.
7.2. Major Works In Progress (WIP). There must be at least one major work (at least 100 man hours; or at least $100 worth of materials; or at least one expensive single use tool purchased solely for the construction of) which remains a work in progress (WIP) until the day a bloke is are carried from the shed with pennies on his eyes. 7.3. Cock-ups. There shall be at least one cock-up per work in progress (WIP). This is compulsory and unavoidable according to the Laws of Shed Physics. Realisation of the existence of the cock-up shall:- 7.3.1. Occur at any point from immediately after the commission of the cock-up to the point when a bloke spots it, having just completed the work in progress (WIP) and invited the rest of the family to admire it.
7.3.2. Result in a bloke needing to recite from memory certain key phrases of a blokely nature. 7.3.3. Require a bloke to determine a course of action chosen from the following:- 7.3.3.1. Hide it. 7.3.3.2. Claim it as an important design feature. 7.3.3.3. Ignore it (Not recommended – some smart@rse will spot it, for sure). 7.3.3.4. Expunge it by hurling the work in progress (WIP) at the target (see para 5 – The Shed, sub para 5.14 – A Target).
8. Standing and/or leaning and staring 8.1. A blokely activity. Standing and/or leaning and staring is a legitimate blokely activity and whilst its practice need not necessarily be confined to the shed or garden, it is recommended that a bloke does not engage in it too frequently outside these areas. Experience says that standing and/or leaning in areas outside the shed (the Domain of the Bloke) is likely to result in accusations that a bloke is doing nothing and may (usually does) lead to the bloke being commissioned to carry out some unblokely task. Note: On those occasions (hopefully few) when a bloke needs to leave the environs of the shed, he would be wise to wear a nail bag and have a blunt and half chewed chippy’s pencil behind his ear. Whilst away from the sanctity of the shed, if he needs to stand and/or lean and stare, he should do so in a purposeful manner. This may convince curious onlookers that he is gainfully occupied and hopefully deter any thoughts of commissioning the bloke to carry out an unblokely task. Further (and cautionary) note: Blokes should be aware that the wearing of nail bags, the aural deployment of half-chewed chippies’ pencils and the assuming of a purposeful manner are not, jointly and/or severally, proof against the tendency of some blokes’ life partners to issue inconvenient commissions for unblokely tasks. 8.2. Usefulness. Standing and/or leaning and staring is useful for the following legitimate purposes:- 8.2.1. Admiring: 8.2.1.1. Tools. 8.2.1.2. Piles of shavings and/or sawdust. 8.2.1.3. Work(s) in progress (see para. 7 above). 8.2.1.4. The shed fridge and/or its contents. 8.2.1.5. Pictures of any of the above.
8.2.2. Thinking about: 8.2.2.1. Tools. 8.2.2.2. Piles of shavings and/or sawdust. 8.2.2.3. Work(s) in progress (see para. 7 above) 8.2.2.4. The shed fridge and/or its contents. 8.2.2.5. Pictures of any of the above.
8.2.3. Not thinking at all.
8.3. Techniques. (All the following techniques can be employed as a ‘thinking position’ – see para 7 Work(s) in Progress, sub para 7.2). 8.3.1. Against the door jamb, gazing inwards. 8.3.2. Against the door jamb, gazing outwards. 8.3.3. Against the wall, gazing at the floor, bench or roof.
8.3.4. Against the bench, gazing at tool(s), work(s) in progress and/or collection (of licence plates, shavings, sawdust, wood stack, disassembled power tool, hand tool et al). 8.3.5. Note: All these techniques may be augmented and supplemented by the holding and/or consumption of a blokely drink (see sub-para 8.3.6 - Blokely drinks below). 8.3.6. Blokely drinks. Consumption of a blokely drink is recommended as a supplementary activity when engaging in standing and/or leaning and staring. The drink will augment and enhance the experience. However, it is a strict provision of the Code of Practice that the drink should be a blokely drink, as defined herein:- 8.3.6.1. Beer. 8.3.6.2. Red wine. 8.3.6.3. Coffee 8.3.6.4. Tea 8.3.6.5. Water. 8.3.6.6. Port. 8.3.6.7. Anything that you can ignite or that makes your eyes water.
8.3.7. Chaps’ drinks. Some types of drink can best be defined as chaps’ drinks. Nothing wrong with that of course, however, these need to be defined because there are some narrowly-defined circumstances wherein a bloke may legitimately consume a chap’s drink without committing a Code violation (see sub-para - 8.3.8 Exemptions below). Chaps’ drinks, as defined, include but are not limited to:- 8.3.7.1. White wine. 8.3.7.2. Gin and tonic. 8.3.7.3. Sherry. 8.3.7.4. Drinks containing bubbles.
8.3.8. Exemptions. A bloke may consume a chap’s drink in or near his or a mate’s shed without committing a Code violation under the following circumstances:- 8.3.8.1. When a medical condition exists that precludes him from consuming a listed blokely drink. 8.3.8.2. When either he or a mate has made the appalling error of failing to stock up on blokely drinks and there’s nothing else available. (However, see sub-para 8.3.10 – Code Violations re Drinks) 8.3.8.3. When the white wine or drink containing bubbles is a really good one and a bloke doesn’t want to miss out.
8.3.9. Proscribed drinks. The following drinks shall not be consumed by blokes in or near sheds: 8.3.9.1. Any drink containing cherries. 8.3.9.2. Any drink with little umbrellas. 8.3.9.3. Any drink with an abundance of fruit and/or vegetables. 8.3.9.4. Any drink that might inspire a bloke’s life partner to make that noise they make when they see something cute, like a baby.
8.3.10. Code Violations re Drinks. A bloke shall have committed a Code violation when he:- 8.3.10.1. Consumes a proscribed drink in or near his or a mate’s shed. 8.3.10.2. Makes the appalling error of failing to stock up on blokely drinks twice in succession (I mean, once is just a mistake but twice? C’mon!)
8.3.10.3. Pretends to have a medical condition just so he can indulge in a secret chap-like urge to sip on a gin and tonic or a dry sherry.
9. Blokely Attire 9.1. Whilst in, near and around his shed and/or when engaged in activities in connection with his shed (eg, nicking off to the hardware store to buy more toys tools), a bloke shall wear blokely attire (also known as clothes, gear and kit). 9.2. The different demands of climate, season, safety and whether or not his life partner can see him when he makes his move between shed and hardware store shall determine what a bloke can get away with wear in, near, around and in connection with his shed. It should, however, also be noted that a bloke is entirely in control of all shed-related issues, including attire (see para 3 – Definitions (in its entirety) and para 4 – Purposes, sub para 4.2 – The purpose of a shed). The following sections are intended to provide guidance. 9.3. General guidelines. In general, a bloke’s shed attire shall be comfortable. It cannot be stressed too highly that a bloke who is uncomfortably dressed cannot be a happy bloke. A bloke who is unhappy in his shed is in danger of committing a Code violation (see para 4 – Purposes, sub para 4.2 – The purpose of a shed). Comfortable blokely attire is therefore a fundamental requirement. (Note: Occasional brief bouts of unhappiness in the shed are unavoidable but these should be confined to the periods just after a bloke discovers he has made the compulsory cock-up (see para 7 – Work(s) In Progress (WIP), sub para 7.4 – Cock-ups) and just before he works out how the cock-up can be rectified, hidden, explained away as a design feature, ignored or expunged by hurling the offending object at the target (see para 5 – The Shed, sub para 5.13 – A Target). 9.3.1. Bagginess. A certain stylish bagginess to accommodate a bloke’s blokely stature is recommended. This is particularly important in, for example, the fit of a bloke’s strides and/or shorts. Bagginess permits a healthy circulation of air, providing cooling in hot weather and the benefits of insulation during the cooler months. 9.3.1.1. Note: old tracksuit pants (aka tracky daks) are particularly well-suited to meet the Code’s recommendations on bagginess.
9.3.2. Those dust coat things that woodwork and metalwork teachers used to wear make ideal blokely attire in the shed. One of these will give a bloke an air of technical competence – even when this is entirely inappropriate to the demonstrated skill level of the said bloke. 9.3.2.1. It is recommended, notwithstanding the strictures of para 9.3.4 – Colour, that a bloke who elects to wear one of these blokely garments, should select said garment in khaki, jungle green or that reliable standby, dark blue. White is to be avoided, especially for blokes with a limp, who might otherwise be mistaken for car park attendants. (For the same reason, blokes should avoid a sharp intake of breath followed by the phrase: ‘You can’t do that ‘ere, mate’).
9.3.3. Aprons. Whether or not a bloke chooses to wear an apron shall be at his own discretion. If he does so choose then he should exercise great care in selecting an appropriately blokely apron. 9.3.3.1. Leather aprons are very useful when carrying out boilermaker work. (Not, however, the kind of leather apron that might be found in the more ‘adult’ type of retail outlet).
9.3.4. Holes. Holes in a bloke’s blokely attire are not compulsory but they are a beneficial option (see sub para 9.3.1 re healthy circulation of air).
9.3.5. Colour. Colours and varying combinations thereof are entirely at a bloke’s choosing. The following guidelines are provided to help a bloke make appropriate choices:- 9.3.5.1. It is recommended that the base colour of a given garment shall be several shades lighter than its original colour. 9.3.5.2. Randomly-placed highlights of different shades of paint, glue, varnish, oil, grease, food and drink ingredients etc, lend a bloke’s blokely attire a certain air of casual but experienced blokeliness. 9.3.5.3. Footy club colours are not only acceptable but are actually recommended. However a bloke should try hard to avoid wearing the colours of more than one team from the same footy code. Failure to observe this provision shall not constitute a Code violation but it might lead to a bloke developing a multiple personality disorder. 9.3.5.4. Pink. Pink shall not be worn as a base colour for any garment unless said garment was originally demonstrably and obviously a bright red when purchased. 9.3.5.5. A bloke shall commit a Code violation if he wears a garment in a colour that bears the same name as any variety of fruit.
9.3.6. Footwear. A bloke is entirely free to choose any type and style of footwear from the wide range available from fully destruction-tested safety boots all the way to thongs. Guidelines:- 9.3.6.1. Preference shall be given to footwear that would render dancing difficult (hence, boots, thongs etc). 9.3.6.2. Blokes who elect to wear manky uggboots with judiciously applied patches of gaffer tape trim run little risk of offending against the provisions of this Code of Practice. 9.3.6.3. If thongs are chosen then they shall be double-pluggers and made from rubber. Those international lounge-lizard leather jobbies are to be avoided. 9.3.6.4. White shoes (unless they are weathered and paint-spattered Dunlop Volleys) are not at home in the shed. 9.3.6.5. Socks shall not be worn with sandals unless a bloke can produce conclusive proof that he was born in Her Britannic Majesty’s sceptered isle (aka The Old Dart).
9.3.7. Headgear. What a bloke chooses to place upon his scone is and must remain a matter of personal choice. General principles with regard to comfort (sub para 9.3), holes (sub para 9.3.2) and colour (sub para 9.3.3) should be observed, of course. Whilst it is not within the ambit of this Code to show partisan preference, the bloke who chooses a UBeaut cap, with or without the Foily option, will not go wrong. 9.3.8. Prohibited attire The following items are prohibited. A bloke wearing any of these in, near, around or in connection with his shed shall have committed a Code violation. 9.3.8.1. Neckties. (In a shed? – C’mon!). 9.3.8.2. Scarves. Note: A bandanna is not a scarf. Bandannas are by definition blokely attire. Scarves are worn by chaps. 9.3.8.3. Berets. (Unless the beret in question is demonstrably part of a bloke’s old uniform from when he was a member of his country’s armed services). Note: Specifically banned, prohibited and proscribed are those floppy berets worn by the type of people who would commit the appalling transgression of referring to a shed as ‘a space’. A bloke caught wearing such a floppy beret will be deemed to have committed a gross Code violation. 9.3.8.4. Any item of apparel that would meet with approval from a bloke’s life partner if the bloke were escorting her to a formal or even semi-formal social event.
10. Inter-Bloke Communications When more than one bloke is in, near, around and in connection with a shed, it is imperative that certain protocols and conventions are observed in the area of inter-bloke communication. These include, but are not confined to:- 10.1. Greetings. When a bloke’s mate arrives at the shed the inter-bloke greetings shall be restricted to a brief formal exchange of the time of day and information regarding the current relative health of the said blokes. The recommended convention is as follows: Bloke #1: “G’day. Goan?” Bloke #2: “Good. ‘Self?” Bloke #1: “Yair”. Ritual acknowledgement of the formalities in the form of a barely perceptible nod of the head is also permitted but is not compulsory and may be omitted without risk of a Code violation. 10.2. Physical contact. A bloke shall not make physical contact with another bloke whilst in the shed except in the following narrowly-defined circumstances:- 10.2.1. inadvertent contact during the passing of a tool or beverage. 10.2.2. when first meeting a new bloke - a brief and blokely handshake is permitted. 10.2.3. in a medical emergency and then only by suitably qualified paramedics. All other blokes present will stand to one side and confine their communications to appropriate commentary regarding:- 10.2.3.1. the patient’s tackle (size and relative limpness thereof); 10.2.3.2. marital status of the patient’s parents’ (legitimacy of same); 10.2.3.3. the patient’s wrist-rigidity relative to the mass of the patient’s handbag/purse and consequent capacity to swing same.
10.3. Blokely terms. In the area of Inter-Bloke Communication, there is occasionally some confusion about how a bloke should refer to and address another bloke or other blokes. This section of the Code is intended to provide guidance and to help a bloke avoid any embarrassing breaches of blokely ethics. 10.3.1. When addressing another bloke, a bloke is recommended to use the following blokely terms:- 10.3.1.1. Mate. 10.3.1.2. Pal (but see Note below). 10.3.1.3. Son (but see Note below). 10.3.1.4. Bloke. 10.3.1.5. Cobber (or Cob) – slightly dated but entirely acceptable. Note: Pal can be usefully employed to add weight to a blokely query, eg: “What are you going to use for a face when the monkey wants its arse back, pal?” Note how the query has more gravitas and emphasis with the addition of this particular blokely term. Note: Son is obviously most properly employed by a bloke when addressing one of his own descendants but it is possible to employ the term effectively when delivering advice and guidance to non-family members, eg: “You need to take a long, hard look at yourself, son”. (See Appendix B – Blokeness Quotient).
10.3.2. When addressing another bloke, a bloke is recommended to avoid the following terms - some of which are chaps’ terms:- 10.3.2.1. Chum. 10.3.2.2. Matey (it’s patronizing and is only used by boofheads).
10.3.2.3. Sonny (the male equivalent of ‘girly’. Try using that one nowadays and cop the reaction!) 10.3.2.4. Buddy (an Americanism. It’s on the margin of acceptability but cannot strictly be regarded as a blokely term). 10.3.2.5. Old chap (an obvious chaps’ term). 10.3.2.6. Man. (see 10.3.2.4 and be aware of the term’s association with certain inhaled substances).
10.3.3. A bloke will commit a serious Code violation if he commits the appalling blunder of addressing a bloke or blokes using any of the following terms:- 10.3.3.1. Chappy/Chappies. 10.3.3.2. You there. 10.3.3.3. You people. 10.3.3.4. Men (the only time this has ever been an even marginally acceptable way to address other blokes is when a military officer – preferably of field rank – is about to lead his troops into battle. And even then You Blokes would be preferable).
10.3.4. Addressing groups of blokes. In a formal or semi-formal situation, a bloke may address a group of other blokes using the following recommended terms:- 10.3.4.1. Youse blokes. Widely applicable and recommended. 10.3.4.2. Gents. More applicable in the semi-formal or formal situation than 10.3.4.1. Only ever used in the vocative case and never in the nominative. The following example is recommended usage: “OK gents. Bit of quiet thanks. Anyone needing a break please use The Gents. Thanks gents.” 10.3.4.3. Ladies. 10.3.4.4. Girls. Note: The latter two terms can be used inter-changeably when addressing any group of blokes but are probably most effectively deployed when addressing members of a rival institution: another sporting team or woodworking club, for example.
Appendix A
Rules of Blokeness
(Note, these Rules are provided in the context of the Code of Practice for persons who are not blokes so that they may better understand blokes. It is, of course, a given that blokes already understand these Rules and have no cause to refer to them – except, perhaps, so they may quote them verbatim when any need arises).
1. Under no circumstances may two blokes share an umbrella. 2. It is OK for a bloke to cry under the following circumstances: a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master. b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse. c) After wrecking your boss's car. d) One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game". e) When she is using her teeth
3. Any bloke who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and eaten by his mates. 4. Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a mate out of jail within 12 hours. 5. If you've known a bloke for more than 24 hours, his sister is off-limits forever, unless you actually marry her. 6. Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden. Complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable. 7. No bloke shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another bloke. In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is questionable behaviour. 8. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest. 9. When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing. 10. You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend. 11. It is permissible to quaff a fruity alcopop drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach - and... it's delivered by a topless supermodel - and... it's free. 12. Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another bloke in the nuts. 13. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked. 14. Mates don't let mates wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed. 15. If another bloke’s fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything. 16. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game (ie, can explain offside or LBW) and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.
17. A bloke in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight. 18. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both - that's just mean. 19. If you compliment a bloke on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer. 20. Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a mate of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response. 21. Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another bloke while lifting weights: a. Yeah, Baby, Push it! b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder! c. Another set and we can hit the showers!
22. Never talk to a bloke in the Gents unless you are on equal footing: i.e. both urinating; both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need. 23. Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary. 24. The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to nail her again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was. 25. It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours. 26. Thou shalt not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.
27. The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox/PS2. End of story. 28. There is no reason for blokes to watch Ice Skating or Men’s Gymnastics. Ever.
Appendix B
Blokeness Quotient: It is a given that a bloke knows he is a bloke. Anyone who doubts his own blokeness is, by definition, not a bloke. He may be a chap, a fellow etc, and he may be a perfectly decent example of one of those species but he’s not a bloke.
However, there are degrees of blokeness. Measured tightly within very fine margins, it is possible to determine the degree of a bloke’s blokeness.
To that end, the following scientifically-designed quiz will help any bloke to measure his own blokeness quotient.
It is recommended that a bloke takes the quiz alone and in private. Upon achieving a successful result, it is permissible for a bloke to give voice to a muted yell of triumph followed by a celebratory blokely drink. In circumstances of a less than successful result ……well, that’s not going to happen, is it?
The Blokeness Quotient Quiz:
1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You decide to:
a. Present it to the Prime Minister.
b. Present it to the Secretary General of the United Nations.
c. Take it apart.
2. As you grow older, what is it about your lost youth that you miss the most?
a. Innocence.
b. Idealism.
c. Those little fart machines made out of cardboard, metal washers & elastic bands.
3. When is it okay to kiss another male?
a. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions.
b. When he is the Pope. (Not on the lips.)
c. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have to have him killed.
4. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:
a. A cat.
b. A dog.
c. A dog that eats cats.
5. You have been seeing a woman for several years. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy - you're watching a football game; she's reading the papers - when suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, she tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together. What do
you say?
a. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don't want to rush it.
b. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
c. That you cannot believe Mick Malthouse burst into tears at the end of the Grand Final in 2003.
6. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her. How do you tell her?
a. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
b. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing through her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.
c. Tell her what?
7. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is:
a. "Do they need to eat or anything?"
b. "They're in school already?"
c. "There are three of them?"
8. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land?
a. He was being tested.
b. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally got there.
c. He refused to ask directions.
9. What is the human race's single greatest achievement?
a. Democracy.
b. Religion.
c. Beer.
Give yourself points for each answer as follows:-
a = 1, b = 2, c = 3.
Ratings:-
24 – 27 points: Maaate!
15 – 23 points: You need to take a long hard look at yourself, son!
9 – 14 points: Poofter!
Appendix C
The following is provided as a service for blokes who are confronted with unreasonable, illogical and generally PITA female demands to behave differently. We recommend that blokes run off several photocopies of this Appendix and have them available to be handed out as necessary.
Because I Am A Bloke
• Because I'm a bloke, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in. The RAC is not an option. I will win.
• Because I'm a bloke, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the bonnet and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another bloke shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink beer and break wind as a form of Holy Communion.
• Because I'm a bloke, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't a problem.
• Because I'm a bloke, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism. (FYI fellas: cumin is a spice, apparently, and not a bodily function).
• Because I'm a bloke, when one of our appliances stops working I will insist on taking it apart despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
• Because I'm a bloke, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator).....applies to engineers mainly.
• Because I'm a bloke, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always sex, cars, or football. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't ask.
• Because I'm a bloke, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come and visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too.
• Because I'm a bloke, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't....and if you are feeling amorous afterwards...then I will certainly remember the name and recommend it to others.
• Because I'm a bloke, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
• Because I'm a bloke, and this is, after all, the year (insert year), I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest...... like wandering around in the garden with a beer wondering what to do.
This has been a public service message for Women to better understand the Bloke.
Appendix D
Acknowledgements
The Drafting Committee
The following members of the UBeaut Woodworking Australia Woodworking Forums have contributed their ideas and debating skills to the drafting of this Code of Practice.
Andy Mac Ashore Bluegum BobL
Bodgy Bookend Cliff Rogers Dan
Dan P doug the slug Driver echnidna
Glenn M Harry 72 Ian 007 JDub
jmk89 MarkW Mkb Robbo
rufflyrustic Scooter silentC SkewChiDAMN!!
Waldo Wild Dingo Wongo Wood Borer
Zed
Source Material
The Drafting Committee is grateful to the various anonymous creative minds that provided the brilliant original work on the following:-
Appendix A – Rules of Blokeness.
Appendix B – Blokeness Quotient.
Appendix C – Because I Am A Bloke. These important documents have been circulating as emails for some years. The Drafting Committee is proud to have an opportunity to include them here and to acknowledge their original creators – even though the nature of generally distributed emails makes it impossible for that acknowledgement to be anything other than anonymous.
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