Mice 0 me 4

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The mice are not doing so well 4 nil to me at the moment...

So that was christmas,Vain Muppets,Winter Sports .....blah blah blah

Judging by the out of date cheese and  half and eaten jar of picked eggs in the fridge

Christmas has been an gone -good I don't have to pretend not to be grumpy anymore -not that I am unhappy, I just enjoy being grumpy-the house is full of plastic tat that "Father sodding Christmas" dropped off and now I'm expected to produce 6 off AA batteries from thin air, at any time of the day, 24/7, to provide  power to the latest monster truck, wall climbing hex bug remote controlled shite made from recycled x-ray machines in China.


 I m still finding pine needles all over the place -but that was my own fault - I bought the biggest cheapest  tree I could find (£12.50 + vat) as the non-drop version was a tenner more - I went large thinking that the more needles you start with you wont notice the little fuckers falling off,I needn't have worried as the kids covered it in four acres of highly flammable  toxic tinsel- I might as well have propped a broom up in the corner for them to decorate-and saved myself the pain of "Blocked sodding Dyson rage"-those things are shite- only any good for hoovering up clean houses.
The best thing about it all was the bonfire  constructed using the excessive "tat" packaging that came free with all the other "tat"- the kids were impressed when I lobbed the Christmas tree on top of it observing the hot sparks and exploding sap rocketing towards them looked  "like fireworks"

I see its been revealed that over the last 19 years our brave political heroes, have seen fit to record themselves in the annuals of parliamentary history- spending over £250k on bloody portraits of themselves - well done,you vain twats that's really helped pay for the new science block.
I decided to save the Tax payer some cash and commissioned a household name (in our household anyway) to draw the cabinet for the price of a packet of chocolate buttons.

All though you shouldn't believe what you read  - the people in charge of the press are as at least as bad as the vain inbred dimwits next to the river Thames.I laughed when they were caught on CCTV playing "hide the lap top" that contained potential evidence that could implement them in the phone tapping scandal -yet they still plead innocence-clinging onto the hope that their vain ex -employers next to the Thames will bail them out.

Ive been slightly cheered up by the start of "winter sports season" - I don't mean the winter Olympics I mean temping mice into old fashioned mouse traps- an annual sport in our house when the temperature outside drops below the temperature inside the house-the furry little feckers  decide they they would rather be inside -lucky for me they cant resist peanut butter -Its brightens up my mornings when I see a tail sticking out the jaws of the trap - all though it puts the kids off their Rice Krispies 

Everythings shite,one step forward ,three back and other very grumpy rants

LIST OF TODAY'S SHITENESS

• Cricket - England cricketers you are bloody awful-one thrashing OK,but learn from it don't allow another two on the trot you muppets-at least try and make it a contest rather than just offering the opposition catching practice...right that's that rant over -Thank god I don't give a monkeys about the overpaid chavs off to Brazil next year - I really do hope they get thrashed.

• Cars with electric sodding windows-What is wrong with a simple window winder handle? It would be a lot easier than reciving a phone call from Bristol sodding Airport car park "The window wont close Im about to miss my flight"
• Mobile bastard Phones-Whats wrong with buttons? I dont want a touch screen that sends a photo of my foot via blue sodding tooth to random parents in "school assembly" watching Donkey "number one" abandon a pregnant virgin to doss down in a stable -all he wants from this rather thinly veiled  bit of adultery celebration is a sodding Monster Truck
• Cars that bloody talk to you-this isn't really the cars fault the car is a good idea- ruined by the stupid things that have been added to it-when I'm driving the last thing in the world I want is for the car  to  get into cohorts with "Samsung random time space continuum  world" and start talking to the hateful thing in my pocket- the novelty of listening to music in the car via my phone wore off as soon as I realized the easiest way to get rid "Steve Sodding Wright in the afternoon" was to press play on the CD player rather than try and memorize 30 separate commands (whilst stationary as the twat behind the dash assumes your driving even if your in the passenger seat and wont let you "connect Samsung random world" to the "car" whilst moving) but whats worse is once they have spoken to each other  your life is ruined-imagine my surprise whilst maneuvering the car out of the drive it asked for a "command" ...right you bastard I thought "Drive the kids to school" I said getting out the car ....did it? did it hell. It did make the kids be quiet as they contemplated walking the 3 miles to lessons,the 8 year old restored order by making the radio work again within about 200 yards of setting off -so now every time I touch the steering wheel I end up phoning people I didnt even know existed they apparently reside in "Samsung's random world" phone book a book  I havent managed to access via the soding touch screen for months -and now the car can do do it if I accidently look at one of the 20 stupid buttons on the steering wheel -and why the hell would I want to talk to anyone whilst driving? I dont want to talk to people much... ever-Again the mobile phone is a good idea that has been ruined  and a car is a good idea that has bee ruined and they certainly don't need to talk to each other 
• WINDOWS 8 - Oh yes where shall I start? what a pile of shiteness. Windows XP worked fine for me- it wound the window down when I wound the handle so to speak-for the last 6 months Ive had to endure something that waters the garden and offers to take the dog for a walk (we don't have a dog,Christ could you imagine having to try and look after one of those as well as children) when I try attach a picture to an email -then it shoots off to "APPs store" Then shows me silly windows all over the screen telling me the fucking weather in New york when all I want to do is find out why the holiday photos have been hidden in some magical fucking "cloud" somewhere - I can just about live with that shiteness believing its "so called progress"  But the best was yet to come -the one  "useful" thing the old lap top could do was to make "Home  DVDs" (in the style of the old family "Cine Films" that  had plenty of viewings at  Christmas family gatherings  before  they got trapped in the projector and caught fire) to  send Grannies and Grandpas around Christmas -WINDOWS 8 has never fucking heard of DVDs -that's not progress  that's just bloody stupid-twats
• CHRISTMAS- enough said

Bastard parking,chocolate for breakfast?..Bollocks it must be December

   I'm not sure how it happened one minute I'm wedging the bank card in Bristol Airports short stay car park machine, causing a large tail back and a small police incident- by illegally dumping the car full of children in the "security zone" and running back towards the  automated gate, "Basil Faulty" stlye to give it a good kicking for failing to return the bank card I offered it,just to let me out the sodding place

   I have to admit the Policeman was very helpful pointing out that they would have to tow the car if I left it there and the children do "look a bit scared"  ...the thought did cross my mind- leave the kids in the care of the state for a week whilst I run off on a jolly in place of the planned half term week with Grannies, Grandpas,Aunties and Uncles etc,instead of a Reginald Perrin week  the Policeman offered to guard the machine, call maintenance guy to come open it up and look for the card, whilst I drove back round  the houses and into the car park for a second fucking time -we were only meant to be "dropping mummy off" for her business trip, I had all ready put 3 pound coins in the hateful machine,before resorting to shoving the team debit card in the slot meant for prepaid tickets-how was I meant to know that? I live in a shed most of the time -by this time the machine had given up the card via maintenance guys screwdriver and I was able to get on my way,fueling up for the 300 mile trip "up north" - 4 of us and various kiddie crap  squashed into 13 year old Audi  A3,only as the 13 year old Land Rover had "rogered" its self the day before.
The sound track was "Are we on the motorway yet?" from the 4 year old accompanied by "Its my turn on the Kindle" every alternate minute from the 6 and 8 year old - I was happy when "Kindle" battery went flat- unfortunately the 8 year old spotted a USB charger at the services- bollocks-how times have changed back in my day you were lucky to get a bag of Golden Wonder to share at the services- but I couldn't endure the whingeing of no Kindle for another 100 miles,plus the 4 year old had moved onto "when are we off the motorway?"  and I could tell he was building up to "are we there yet?"

Anyway -that was the end of  October ,the next thing I know is the little angels can only be pried out of bed in the mornings by reminding them about snowman shaped chocolates hiding behind cardboard windows,which means... its December and "Sodding Christmas" is bearing down on me,what happened to November? I have no idea,I must have used it without noticing, done some house bashing ? come to think of it I  have a distant memory of some shed time,a foreign land, cider,old mates and Rugby.

I know Im paying the price now......

Bastard Clangers

Quote of the day-
“Eventually, Postgate won - and the Clangers apparently swear like troopers, for those who can translate”.

Possibilly they had just learnt of an "99p ebay" purchased full size piano that that is on its way to their once peaceful , happy abode....FFS

Back to the Shed....

Back to the shed..

Shed time is precious once in there the world seems a happier place, a bit like riding the mower up down the garden for a couple of hours- I am in my own happy little place for a while,no bastard ballet, no “Hello kitty” sock strops, and no soddingbastardskirting boards to ruin your day ,so you can imagine my dismay when ¾ the way through some mower therapy my ears were greeted  by a noise similar to a jump jet sucking up a flock of swans – after quickly removing small bits of red hot  ball bearings from my extremities the root cause of the noise was quickly  traced to the two blades hitting each other- due to a massive loss of said ball bearings from  the blade drive train..bugger…. 

This was a mower that was given to me three years ago as it was “knackered” and “didn’t work” since then we have spent a lot of time together not all of it spent cutting grass-a good part of it spent with me swearing at it in the middle of the field surrounded by 6” long grass looking for the “little spring” that just fell out the “widjet” that’s a “bit iffy but keeps it running… if you wedge your foot under this lever”  so needless to say I feel quite attached to the old lump as I do towards the other cobbled  together relics in the shed

Two new bearings, new belt, blades and a quick coat of oxide primer to the deck we are ready to ride 

 again 

Mission accomplished

 

 

 

SPOT THE KNACKERED BEARING! 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Also back in the shed is the Scimitar, back from its “Fireball XL5” exploits in France, Wednesday   morning the insurance assessor came to visit it- ironically back in 1976 he was a  mechanic at the dealership in Bristol that supplied Scimitars (John Dangerfield) and remembers carrying out the modification to the weber carburettors called for in the  recall of 1976,my Scimitar is a 1976 model and still carries the same dealers badge,

 unfortunately the recall modification was never carried out to mine.. resulting in the fire…bugger

 

 

 

 

 

Spot whats missing!

Glitch in grumpiness

Fond memories….(before turning into a grumpy old git again)

15 years ago I knocked off work early and set off down the M3 onto  the A303 heading towards the South West in my trusty 1977 Dolomite sprint (Named “Zanusi” after the old  washing machine that had been used to hold the floor together ) the low cloud cleared traffic disappeared and with a  TDK C90 mix of Stone Roses, Charlatans and Kula Shaker  playing on the stereo  I ragged the Sprint  to Minehead to view a 1977 2500TC that had been off the road for 10 years, I remember the trip well as not only did I end up buying the car (UGP 840R aka “the big red bus”) but remember the roads being great ,the old car going well ,and just feeling good –the world was my oyster so to speak - this was a non-sat nav trip just a dodgy old atlas and a scribbled sheet of A4 with names of towns to head for and road numbers for me to glance at  whilst driving,  I didn’t get lost and even found the sellers house first time from his directions given over the phone, on the way back I had a great 50 mile  tussle with a Golf GTi  who couldn’t get shot of  the shit bucket “old Triumph” which eventually went past him on the inside of one of the big roundabouts on the A303 …

Fast  forward 15 years and I find myself  traveling  from Taunton  to Watchet to pick up a Rover P6 panel this time in an “old” Audi A3 that hadn’t even been built when I made that trip to view the 2000 ,Sat nav on passenger seat and 4 year old Son in the back- I find myself remembering driving that section of road in the Sprint all those years ago, the music was the same but being played via my “shite useless” phone, the sun came out, the roads cleared a bit –the only thing spoiling the trip was the shite awful handling of a 100,000 mile front wheel drive Audi with mud and snow tires on it ! but I found myself caught up in the moment thinking what a lucky boy I’ve been over the last 15 years, and all was well with the world ,its amazing how a section of road some music and a splash of sunshine can lift your mood.

We were a bit early for the vendor so stopped at the cider farm in the village which had tea shop, swings, slides and live chickens and pigs to chase this kept the 4 year (and me) more than happy for 15 mins or so.

The sat nav was turned off for the trip back and we tootled along me teaching the 4 year old the lyrics to “I am the resurrection” (Stone Roses)

Ah happy days….

What a bunch of arse...

I ve been tested this week chasing up getting the Scimitar back from France

Spent all week chasing my tail its goes something like this

The "European rescue cover" that I have worked fine getting me back to the UK- but that wasnt really rocket science, the bit I really wanted them to do was get the car back to the UK ....the saga goes like this
So because there had been a fire the rescue service provided by my insurance company (the one that rhymes with the stuff you use when soldering) needed to send an engineer to provide a report to send to the underwriter for the breakdown rescue service-they sound like the union you join when you are an actor-  they siad this report would happen within 24 to 48 hrs -which it did but they didnt forward it on to anyone for another 3 days and even then they admitted it was in a format they couldn't un-zip!-
I only find this out after phoning them everyday asking whats going on-but I did find out who they eventually  sent it to at the underwriters -I phone the underwriters to make sure they can open the report - only to find that the person they had emailed  is on long term leave and the people back filling work part time and "are not in today"

So I give my details to the underwiter -and credit to them they emailed me the report - but also added its nothing to do with them as the records they have for me are for my old car-and even if it was anything to them they wouldn't repatriate the car as a fire is classed as an accident I need to go back and speak to my broker and an car insurer

Phone my broker-the one you use when soldering or providing insulation for capacitors-
"oh that should have been updated and passed on" please hold the line - 20 mins later a voice at the end of the phone -"hello sir have you broken down what is your location"

"In France  last fucking week " I reply rather tersely

So no further on ........roll on Monday when the claims department of the company the car is insured with opens(the same department that should have been sent the report and dealing with the whole affair...twats) -their company name  sounds like the expression used to describe things that go one for ever and ever and ever and ever

Well that didnt got to plan....

All is not well in the Shed find out why on the "car" blog........and Ive got Bastard Ballet tomorrow....

Calling all grumpy bastards ...I need a theroy?

WHEN IS GRUMPY GOOD?-CALLING ALL GRUMPY BASTARDS

Following some feedback from my last postings of rubbish on “bloody face book” and my “view from the edge blog” it’s been pointed out I am a Grumpy old man –good.

I like being grumpy, here is my theory….

Have the red hot curry, enjoy it, and enjoy being grumpy in the morning when your ring piece looks like a Japanese flag and stings like deep heat rubbed in an open wound.

It’s like shouting at the telly- some smart arse will always point out there is an “off button” or “don’t watch it if you don’t like it”-I like watching it. It makes me grumpy when I shout at the silly twats that that expose their “real lives”- slack jawed bum fluffed afternoon TV watchers, whinging about now they are charged for renting the spare room in their benefit paid London penthouse to Romanian hookers, and now they can only afford to feed the 4X4 kids (i.e. 4 kids 4 different fathers) Findus low grade crispy horsemeat pancakes (compared to Iceland pizzas)

So back to the point –sort of! When is grumpy good?

It was pointed out to me wouldn’t it be easier to take a 50mpg Golf on our forthcoming “Euro-shed tour”? Well that would be like having the mild curry or reaching for the off button…what’s the bloody point?

So hopefully this time next week Team Shed will be at the top of Stelvio pass in a 37 year old car – one that has spent the last 18 years slowly decaying in a shed, one that has taken a lot of Grumpiness to get almost ready, I’ve placed my order for the chefs special Madras and have no intention of backing out now.

(And if that grumpiness leads to raisingsome funds for Cancer Research, good that makes me grumpier Sponsor TEAM SHEDHERE!)

So the “Spanish bombs” holiday is drawing to a close, I am going to miss the “siesta” time, sangria and red wine fueled  card schools – all though the cards in the evening did worry me as” Uncle Bazza” pointed out  its only one step away from a caravanning holiday.

The 8 year old has honed his breast stroke in the hours spent in the pool and developed a very competitive streak playing the “grownups” at “Gin Rummy” which the six year old pronounces as “Gin Mummy?”

I’ve collected all the stick on tattoos given free in the local crisps packets  and plastered them randomly over my chest, arms and back trying to spell out the names of members of girl bands and birthdays in incorrect roman numerals so I blend in with the crowd permanently located at the pool side bar.

I’ve survived two weeks without a shed, enjoyed it and believe it or not am looking forward to getting back to bashing the house and finishing the first floor –with the exception of sodingbastardskirting boards