Scotch Mist,Trade demarcations explained,soapy coffee car wash

Dont poke a bees nest..or a a Highland correspondent who spends too much time alone walking up hills, being grumpy and thinking too much- after his shocking Panda revelations it seems he has got a bee in his bonnet about something else - I really need to have a word with his responsible adult,this was his latest offering-

 Scotlands New Currency 

 

 

 "I see there's a new point of contention on Scottish independence: Scotland says it can stay with the pound, but wants to keep printing it's own (which obviously doesn't have the words 'Bank of England' clearly printed on notes) which are currently printed by the three main Scottish Banks. I say 'Scottish' banks, while acknowledging that the Clydesdale Bank is owned by Australians, Bank of Scotland is English owned, and Royal Bank of Scotland is the laughing stock of the western world, and appears to be principally owned by taxpayers living south of the border. 

Personally, I believe we need to think more pragmatically. How about we introduce multiple forms of currency: most obviously, benefits cheques - they form the very backbone of our financial system here in the skiving north, and so the great majority of people would just continue as normal. Food stamps would be the second string of the new financial system, and the third leg (didn't good old Rolf, my childhood hero, invent this??) would be Stella Artois ring pulls and extra strong White Lightning cider bottle tops. Simples. And as we all know, simples suits Alex the Salmon and his bunch of fish farm rejects.  

Thinking ahead, we can also cut the extortionate costs of setting up the Brave New Nation by having the DSS double up as the central bank. Hey, this could go so much further. What about selling episodes of the comic-tragedy 'Holyrood: the Debate' to the Comedy Channel? I really, really, really hope you've not managed to catch any of this redneck soap south of the border; it looks like a playground full of very angry, yet terminally bored, primary school children, arguing over who's marble it is, why its not round, who gets to hold it, and why its got mysterious (and smelly) brown stains on it. Oh, and there's a big crack through it, which only gets bigger, and bigger. So hey, who's going to reallocate money from the nationwide methadone project to fix it????

Now, back to my pet topic. How extraordinary that Scotland managed, among all the Giant Pandas out there, to find the pair that so perfectly reflected the Scottish work ethic! 36 hours of work per year! I know there are parts of the West Coast where that would be considered an inhumane level of effort, but give Highlanders their due - I'm pretty sure they could handle this. So, our great leader, Salmo Salmo I think is the right way of addressing his mighty drabness,  thinks that, after his recent proclamations on how the main men of Europe would bend over backwards to welcome Scotland into the fold of the oh-so-successful Euro currency, he can deftly shift his foreplay onto the Bank of England. I wonder if, down your way where people wear clothes and can afford to eat, there's a sense of a despotic nutter trying to cash in (literally) on someone else's efforts? But never forget, I said NEVER FORGET, that the North Sea oil is ours. OURS, OURS, OURS.

Did you hear me?

So please. please, can you help us? We are nice people, and we don't understand all those foreign-bus-tour types who look Oriental and don't speak English, sorry, Gaelic, but love to visit our (oh hell, so, yes, they are not ours, they belong to Diageo, Pernod Ricard, and a whole other bunch of Johnny Foreigners) distilleries. 

I sense that I've come full circle, and am in danger of stamping the document that confirms that I've lost the plot.

I wish you well, all you lucky muckers, you scheming Southern bastards who are stealing my money, who are taking my proud nation (see Australian actor shouting at and encouraging his band of 3 flea-infested sheep-rustling followers to take up small claims court actions against the mother of all imperial empire builders) to the landfill.

Even I, father of the calm, home of peace, lair of the decent and honest but downtrodden, think I am losing the aforementioned marbles.

I hasten me to the shed to sharpen my Claymore (yes, check that out; it didn't work for us at Culloden) and to daub myself with Tesco blue fabric coloring.

Blue Dye

Man in Skirt

Giant Panda in skirt awaiting blue dye and foreplay from "Salmon" fish to allow entry into her system

 So that's foreign politics dealt with for another week lets move on to Trade Demarcations the link below is for all the "Professional" job agencies that don't seem to know what an Instrumentation Tech is and all the twats -normally call center staff once employed under Mr Blair's "lets get everyone a pretend job to make me look good policy" trouble is these people have now had asperations above cleaning out the Panda enclosures at the local Zoo and "moved up a notch" now manning the policy amendments phone line where I inevitably have the misfortune to insure my car, they just cant help themselves querying the profession "oh you work in the music industry...not sure if we cover people in entertainment" 

 

Whats all this got to do with soapy coffee? well it was more than likely a failed spanner monkey that installed the rubber seal on the Land Rovers sun roof- his workmanship was put to test  whilst I was wasting time in the car wash trying to get the 3 year old and 5 year old asleep on route to picking up the 8 year old from sodding cubs- soapy car wash water was forcefully blown into my forecourt coffee sitting in the cup holder -who the fuck builds a British car with a sun roof above the cup holder? as sure as your arse points downwards you know it will leak and contaminate your dashboard mounted beverage,for some reason whilst recovering from my unplanned ablutions I wondered how many engineers are in the Government cabinet or even the shadow cabinet - a very quick Google search -something dim witted call center staff don't seem able to do- revealed nothing useful so I looked further into cabinet members qualifications -not a good thing to do 

I would suggest they could all be replaced by a cactus 

Milking Pandas, Ms Piggy,Tree Hugging Bench ... 

Its been awhile since the last communication from the Highland correspondent,I must admit I was starting to get a bit worried that he might have been rounded up and molested by angry fish faced sheep since his last political musings , but as luck would have it he is at large and sent the following to Shed HQ-

"How on earth do you milk a Panda bear for the "juice" for artificial insemination..?I was rather more interested in warming up the "Babe" panda,I would have thought they needed a bit of foreplay,and sent my offer with a recent photo to Edinburgh Zoo,and now after eight hours with the Police I can get on with my life.

Who would have thought?Up here in the Highlands bestiality is encouraged-they say it keeps the locals sane (and reduces the burden on the NHS)"

He has obviously been allowed access to some form of media coverage recently as the above was quickly proceeded by the following-

"Stroke of genius -we've got Miss Piggy to represent UK in the Eurovision"

Back to the Pandas the lady "Babe" bear is only on heat for around 36 hrs or so  a year, and even then not too fussed about getting an early night, I reckon we should explain to the work shy Panda couple our benefits system in the UK-then they would be at it like rats up a drain pipe- pointing out the more cubs they have, the more cash they have,cash  to waste on Sky subscriptions, tattoos and KFC,they could spend the day watching Jeremy Kyle as much they want on expensive Ipads whilst  doing fuck all else useful  in accommodation the public has paid for ...bit like fish faced sheep really.

Well thats current affairs dealt with so back to reality.Three kids and the "Bastard Ballet" run which has become a bit less of a bastard due to a very kind parent of a fellow tutu student (a non range rover "Jordan" type) agreeing to return "pink princess" after the stampeding session,the payoff is I transport her offspring to the class where she meets us,last week was the first run of this new arrangement,unfortunately I had become  preoccupied with crumbling internal walls and left the house for "school pick up" in a bit of a rush leaving the lurid pink change bag containing the "pink mafias  uniform for my said princess -"Buggery Bollocks" I though waiting outside the school-I wanted to demonstrate to the Mother who had left me the charge of her children I wasn't a complete fuckwit so took it upon myself to load up the old TD5 with 5 kids (only 3 of them mine) nail it back home pick up the sodding Tutu,then nail it back to the "Dance School" before I was reported for Child abduction - needless to say spirits were high in the car-especially from the boys asking for more air as the peat bog undulating single track roads provided the entertainment -the three year old shouting faster whilst bracing himself between booster seat and  door then trying to use his sisters ponytailed hair as a grab handle.

We made the lesson just about on time,the "Range rover evoque" brigade cast a few disapproving looks as grubby "builder looking type" waded in with five hyper kids then promptly did a runner leaving three of them behind - the three year  old could be seen punching the air making his way across the car park shouting "Donuts" 

Soon after moving into the faded georgian grandeur of our house with romantic ideas of a restored family home within a "couple of years"  a tree hugger from the council pointed out that the 130 year old "monkey puzzle" tree in the front garden had a T.P.O on it -but as the normally evergreen tree had now turned  a permanent rusty brown it was deemed  dangerous if left to fall on  its own accord and thus had to be chopped down -we duly complied not wanting the thing through the house

I had some of the felled timber planked up "It might be useful" I thought and then used it as a bloody heavy obstruction under a temporary "seasoning shed" in the drive for the next three years -well today I got to use some of it 

After successfully overheating my £40 rip saw several times the shed had a new work bench , Douglas pine legs -left over from roof strengthening works,and "monkey puzzle" (see chilean pine or parana pine) 45mm thick work top

Time to sign off - Ballet run tomorrow, Tutu change bag already loaded in the car..

Getting up early ,back to "normal" ...bollocks

 I needed to get up early...

Mainly to have time to wash and get pack lunches and small people ready for school, and my self ready for intergration with grown up people-hence the wash- so after setting two alarms on the Samsung "six day phone" -see previous comments on my theory regarding Samsung's perception of time -one of them managed to wake me in time for "back to work" routine -well back to" going to a place of work" where other grown ups go - I was quite looking forward to seeing if I could in fact interact with grown ups rather than constantly discussing why cows don't fly with my 3 year old Son - I have to explain it is in fact bird poo on the car windscreen- not cow poo from overhead-he isn't convinced, claiming that it smells of cow poo,even after I point out that the whole area smells of cow poo due to the fact we live in boonie land, where farmers tow big trailers of poo (normally using his favorite red tractors) spraying it over great swathes of land as the weather has been so "cow poo" that the poor cows haven't been allowed outside for a year or so for fear of drowning, or if lucky freezing to death,the standard response to my answers is  "why Daddy?" and so it goes on.. hence why I was looking forward to non "why Daddy" conversation this week.
Unfortunately I will have to wait as the work I am wanted for is on a temporary contract basis  in the public sector as you know the Government has wisely diverted  resources to cover bankers bonuses rather than mending stuff that could save money- so hence  it needs to be tick boxed at several inappropriate high levels across the organization before I can start -I had a sneaky suspicion this may happen and phoned ahead to see if the OK had been given to start, the conversation with my potential team leader made me laugh-
 "Sorry mate it looks like starting next week, David is just off to see Angela Merkel to ask if he can sign the authorization"

Not to worry Ive got plenty to be doing here, so after pouring fresh coffee over myself when the handle fell off the sodding cafeteria

 I ended up helping Dave and Ade being a third pair of hands balancing on a scaffold plank (I was allocated the plank after being told I was the youngest!) fixing full size sheets of plaster board to form the stairwell ceiling -you never know tomorrow we might loose the open plan first floor and have a bathroom wall again
 I also took the opportunity as it wasn't pissing down or blowing a -5  wind from the east to wash and clean out the Spitfire and take some decent pictures of it in an attempt to sell it without pimping it on eBay,something which means enduring 100 watchers, 50 unanswered (silly) questions,5 tire kickers, and 2 no shows that eBay attracts, and then when it does sell pay the dreaded listing fees,so Ive punted it in the free adds of the weekly classic car press and put it in the for "sale in the shed" section of www.shedtune.co.uk

As ever it fired up first time, the sun came out as I put the roof down -it was so tempting to go for a blast but I knew if  I did the ads would be deleted and I would be devising ways of keeping it whilst doing without a new bath, or ways of selling a kidney/child- to fund the other projects in the shed in need of my help.

This or a Kidney

Well time to set the alarm(s) - at least I don't have to get up as early- just pack lunches to make rather than wash- and to think I had ear,nose,and head hair cut in preparation for work..I hope dear old Angela can see me right before it grows back.

"Biggest nose hair Ive seen in years"

 

Old dog new tricks...? why bother the old ones still work.

In between Easter holiday Daddy duties- which has included many motorway miles in old faithful (13 year old Discovery TD5) which now resembles a mobile skip full of Mc Donalds "kids meals toys" empty opal fruit -sorry "starburst" wrappers,and the annoying red wax- stripped from dozens of babybel rolled up into small balls to be  inserted into electrical switches, seat belt buckles and air vents- I managed to resurrect the Shedtune website -all work in progress but the aim is to keep everything  on the website in a messy "eclectic grumpy virtual shed way"

The kids are making the most of a rain free Cumbria and lots of generous hospitality from Aunties,Uncles Cousins,Grannies and Grandpas-(hence why Daddy has had time to clump his way round sorting out the website and trying to master windows sodding 8 on the new laptop-why change things for the sake of changing things-Christ XP worked fine ....)

Back at home bashing goes on without me -

Dave and Ade taking on the stuff I couldn't do with kids running around -as you can see this internal single skin wall which was never tied into ...anything was beyond rescue so the first floor section will come down to be replaced with studding wall -which at least will allow for some insulation to be added.

I'm off to clean out wax from the air vents in preparation for tomorrows return journey..

View from the shed on fixing "stuff" and the supply of power...

All the best things are invented in sheds-I'm sure cider and cars were invented in sheds,anyway I think I have come up with a great money saving invention- its for a new "Reality TV X factor style show"

How does it work and how does it save us money?

Rather than have elections we have a X factor style show where dim witted inbred privileged "contestants" who crave  15 minutes of fame and being popular over doing anything useful, pit their wits against each other- the winner gets to form a "cabinet" of sycophantic similar dim wits, the money generated from the TV show pays for them all to have two central london flats and as many tudor style duck houses as they wish for until the next show
The winners can take part in a "winners tour" across Europe joining up with other successful entrants from other countries -they can all have a big jolly, slap each other on the back feel important and popular- it keeps them busy,keeps them out of politics and thus fucking up the country for the rest of us,it also allows the people who wear white slip on trainers and  waste their benefit wage voting on X factor contestants to feel "part of the system"- so win win all round
 In the meantime the section of  hard working common sense  population left that do have a clue how to team up and make things work can get on with sorting a few things out.
It seems some others having been sitting in their sheds thinking along the same lines-admittedly they haven't managed to come up with a way quite as cunning as mine of distracting politicians, but they have decided to team up and argue on the behalf of common sense regarding energy policy- the "common sense" team have called themselves "Powerline" they are made of big businesses wanting to "start applying logic" to the power debate pushing for "dispassionate debate" -they will be launching a website,national advertising and social media campaign- so look out for it and keep your fingers crossed for common sense -in the meantime  I need to sort out some judges for the TV show..

Just to cheer you up here are some pictures of wind farms-the parts of which were not made in this country,and don't ask how many German vans the non-uk based maintenance company bought after bribing the local politician into awarding them the maintenance contract -enjoy them you paid for them.. a lot.. the ones on land- you are paying twice the wholesale rate for the power they may or may not produce it depends if the turbines are spinning- the twelve I saw today were all stationary,strange as I had to wear a jacket due to the wind to keep warm,-maybe that was the problem it was too cold a wind rather than too strong a wind- fickle thing weather isn't it? anyway the ones in the nasty wet stuff that you need to buy scandinavian boats to get to,just to reset a breaker-their power costs you three times the wholesale rate.....common sense really

Catching up with "Normal" stuff

The house bashing has apparently been progressing -I say apparently as I never seem to notice any change - I always seem to be inhaling dust swearing and cursing at another "fally down broken" or "butchered in the past" bit -but it was nice to rip out the old fire door on the landing (the house was used as boarding for the local prep school and has been badly "cut and shut" all over the place to provide space for boarders) - it was a great physiological boost preparing the stairwell walls for stripping and re-rendering (or a "hardwall coat") prior to  final skim- this involved running in  some new wiring to feed downstairs lighting-we started renovations at the top of the house and worked down so the fact that new stuff is encroaching on the ground floor has got to mean progress

Stairwell getting stripped

Bye bye fire door!

Bathroom activities impacting on the "Temporary" kitchen -its been temporary for the last 3 years!- activities include running in new internal soil pipe

crappy wiring now disconnected

How this place ever passed inspection...?

Landing opened out, walls ready for plasterer "magic" to be done..

Easter holidays mean full on Daddy duty which will put a hold on bashing for a while- plus I let another distraction creep into the shed!

Opps more of this later ..catch up at http://shedtunecars.blogspot.co.uk/

Shed musings...

Day dreaming

Its been a bit of a hectic week -full on Daddy Duties including the dreaded visitation to the  "dark side" well actually its  the "pink tutu side" at the little angels dance school
- I was slightly early  picking up  "dark side angel" -the normal routine is to take her into the building help her into her pink fatigues (whilst avoiding eye contact with all others- painfully aware you are the only person in the building wearing steel toe capped boots) then beat a hasty retreat to do the  "Tescos donut"  run with the two boys,then take in a drive through car wash on the way back to "tutu lair", unfortunately due to the cold weather the car wash was out of order and I found myself (after leaving the two boys in the car listening to Led Zeppelin's Physical Graffiti) -in the "parents waiting room" I managed to resist  the temptation of leafing through the various publications on offer- such as "menopause weekly" and "tat chat" and started to daydream whilst listening to the little pink fairies charge around in attack formation-I was wondering what came first, cup holders in cars or coffee chains? it must have been the coffee chains- we would have no need for cup holders in our cars if it wasn't for the people selling it to us at every opportunity and thus making us drive around with it attached to our dashboards - none of my present  classics have cup holders although a couple I have owned in the past - a Bentley and Rover P5  had  fold down "picnic" tables in the rear- that doesn't really count as someone else would be driving as you tucked into your pickled eggs, scotch pies and various meat based savoury products - I guess its a reflection on our busy life schedules that we need cup holders in our modern cars- in the sixties and seventies we had time to pull over, crack open the tartan thermos and watch traffic from a roadside lay by sipping on lukewarm Maxwell House, thus didn't need the "dashboard mounted  espresso, latte, frappe dispenser"  or was it the fact that driving an older car takes far more concentration and two hands on the wheel to keep it on the road , maybe after 100 miles on dodgy kingpins and worn trunnions you needed the thermos hit to calm your nerves!

My sort of cup holder

Taking the piss..

...more musings later ....

A big thank you ...TOTAL IS IN!

Round Britain Reliability Run Total is in...

Last weekend the total raised for the event was handed over to Children With Cancer at Club Triumphs annual awards Dinner

and the total was ..£65,248.95 

A very big thank you to all that sponsored  "Team Shed" we contributed just shy of £900 to the total -special mention needs to go to the following 

J.H.P -the Yoda of all Sheds (I.E My Dad) 

"Uncle Slimey"

Kempster

"Homer"

Charlotte and my long suffering kids!

The event is run every two years, the next being October 2014 it will be Team Sheds 9th run and the Cairo  Taxi will be back for that one

Still with its 2010 stickers!

For more info on the charity and the event  click here  or here

For a recap of the event viewed from the shed click here   or here for still photos

It goes without saying Team Shed passes on a very  a big "thank you" to Tim Bancroft and his organising team !

Roll on 2014

Pointy food,fish faces and sheep....

Latest from the sheds...

Its good to hear from foreign corespondents once in a while the following tag lines coming from an equally sarcastic grumpy bitter shed dwelling type from north of the border-

"Cumbria claimed back by Russia as part of Siberia" "Suffolk to open first winter sports resort" "Intelligent Scots create refugee wave into England as Alex Salmond gives sheep the right to vote on independence"

So I guess a bit hacked off with the weather and Scottish politics? - this was the latest  update regarding Mr Salmonds cunning plans-

"The flocks revolting!-Ewe cant pull the wool over our eyes fish-face" says spokessheep Shaggy Lamb

Floating a biscuit

Fish Face

sheep

I see a school has banned triangle shaped food

- all though I think horse shaped food is still on the menu-does this mean we will be seeing warnings such as "This food food may contain triangle shapes" -that's Dairylea and Laughing Cow fucked then isn't it?

Anyway stating on a product what it "May" contain is bloody lazy -  what the label should really read is-

 "it may contain something we really cant be arsed testing for" or " our product quality and production methods are so slack that it could contain something that will make you shit like a veal calf for a month or it may not"

Fish face and veal calf's

Sharp soft cheese -safety alert?

Normal stuff,memories, grumpy moans,musical bells

View from the edge has a bed partner http://shedtunecars.blogspot.co.uk/- I thought it would be easier to keep the car stuff separate,they will both be on the Shedtune web site once sorted out 

Normal stuff-

The last week or so has been the familiar combination of house bashing and Daddy duties  - I lucked out of Bastard Ballet this week,my wife being home to take "little pink princess" to the "Pushy Mothers School of Dance" parking our 10 year old Audi A3 next to the new Range Rover "Jordans"

The house bashing has been slow but steady the bathroom floor is now a bit stronger 

Still plenty more to do before I start a temporary contract  for paid work in mid April

Grumpy

The weekend involved a shopping trip and measuring of feet, the 3 year old proving he is actually growing and needing to move up a shoe size, unfortunately the shoes he wanted and threatened to throw a strop about would have gone well with a white track suit, obligatory Range Rover "Jordan" and a hair transplant-the only saving grace being they were blue and not sodding pink.

I did point out to him that if he chose those it would be a slippery slope into track suits, hoodies, KFC and borstal - apparently I said this a bit loud- and without studying the other clientele in the shop -my wife asking me to disappear before I got glassed-he ended up with the bloody shoes, only because his feet are narrow and they were the only ones the right width

 I note with horror that channel four are broadcasting a program called "gogglebox"-which is a "reality show" watching people watching the fucking telly -how bloody lazy, give me a documentary on the 100 year war any-day, I did happen to watch our local news the other day -it must have been a Sunday or a slow news day at least,as they were reporting on a pub music venue in Bath called "The Bell" that might be forced to close-now if I was a local reporter wanting to spice up a boring news report on a grey slow news day Sunday I would have gone with the tag line "Musical Bell ends?" That would have woken them up on (in-front of)"gogglebox" ..."what did he say love?" "not sure something like musical bell ends in Bath" ...."ooh I might watch this pass me the kebab sauce.. don't spill it on my white track suit"

Memories -its odd what can trigger them!

I  managed to sneak into the shed  for a couple of evenings see http://shedtunecars.blogspot.co.uk/ it was whilst stripping the interior out of the P6 that I found an old pink parking chit- one like the old bus tickets-this one was date stamped 1978 - you were given them by the car park attendants ,who had a little machine, not surprisingly just like the bus conductor use to have -the car park was a bit of  what was called "waste ground" back in those days-before property developers existed - parking bays marked out using old concrete sleepers -the attendant was an old boy in a little shed-wore a cap and was more than likely a member of the Royal British Legion,during the seventies every down at heel Northern town had car parks like these.

The ticket brought memories flooding back to me of just that sort of car park in Whitehaven which was the nearest "big" town to where I grew up (It was a fifteen mile drive and always an adventure).

The ticket I had found was in fact printed with  "Whitehaven car park"  - the Rover P6 was a car local to where I grew up and would have used that car park on a regular basis, hence the ticket under the seat -one memory strangely relates directly to the car park itself, it was a sunny day (strange for Cumbria) myself and older sister had obviously be sent off with Dad "to the shops"- in the car park was a brand spanking new Jaguar XJS V12 - red I seem to remember,not the sort of car you saw every day in our bit of west Cumbria,especially in that car park,Dad was obviously quite taken with it as was I,he filmed sister and I walking round it posing pretending to be rock stars or something -the fact he used some of the very precious and expensive " film" in his second hand "fixed in the shed" cine camera (he still calls digital video cameras cine cameras) meant it was an occasion- the only reason I can think he even had the camera with him,could have been why we had gone to the shops in the first place, to buy film for it- in preparation for one of our nomadic family holidays.these were spent touring Scottish lochs with caravan,mirror dinghy and my five brothers and sisters-we had a 1970 Transit 12 seater as a family car,but by 1978 we had a Peugeot 504 "family estate" that could carry 7- (by that time my eldest brother and sister were excused the caravan holidays)-all these memories triggered by a parking ticket in an 41 year old Rover than ended up with me more by accident than plan,I need to dig out that old cine film and convert it to digital ,you never know the P6 could be in the background somewhere.